Psyche Stew

Violence Against Berkeley Students

2011-11-11T19:31:00.000-08:00

My nephew witnessed the brutality he's reporting on here and I feel it needs to meet a wider audience. Please re-post, respond, resend to anyone and everyone you can think of. It is our right and responsibility to speak out against injustice in this country, we shouldn't be beaten into submission. We are supposed to be living in a DEMOCRACY, aren't we?

Please take 10 minutes of your time to help California students:

Although the Penn State rape scandal and Rick Perry's debate blunder dominated the news cycle this past 48 hours, there is a much more horrifying story being pushed to the side. I was on The UC Berkeley campus when STUDENTS were assaulted and beaten by UCPD and Alameda County Sheriffs. Among the many students arrested was my English professor Celeste Langan, and Nobel prize winning Poet Laureate Robert Haas. These elderly, meek professors were arrested for placing their bodies between the students and the cops batons. Somehow, that qualifies as "resisting arrest."

PLEASE DO NOT ALLOW POLICE BRUTALITY AGAINST STUDENTS TO GO UNCHECKED. I am asking that you take 10 minutes to first read the link below explaining why the students are protesting, then watch the video of the UC response. I have provided below the E-mail addresses of some people who need to know your opinion on the manner. You do not have to agree with the protestors, or even be political to be against violence. What if the small girl who is hit first in the video was your child? Look and see what happened to these kids and voice your opinion! If you don't do it, no one else will.

If you do not want to write a letter, please forward this e-mail along.

Thank you for your time,

-Patrick Gartner, Junior at UC Berkeley

Links:

1) The protest was to send a message to the UC Regents. Over the past two years, the Regents cut staff and wages, increased tuition and gave themselves raises in the mean time. Now they want to increase tuition another 81%. If that was your tax-rate, you would probably march too.

http://blogs.kqed.org/newsfix/2010/11/18/uc-regents-approve-some-big-salaries-along-with-tuition-hikes/

2) This is a video of police beating students. I was personally there to witness this interaction. The cops said they needed to clear the fields to take down the tents, but this is a lie. At the time this happened the tents were already down! Also, I don't see tent poles in anyone's hands.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buovLQ9qyWQ&feature=player_embedded

Voice Your Feelings as Citizens, Activists, Parents and or Tax-Payers.

EMAIL THE GOVERNOR DIRECTLY HERE: http://gov.ca.gov/m_contact.php

Addresses: Send a letter to one, some or all please! It only takes a few minutes.

EX OFFICIO REGENTS
Jerry Brown Governor of California State Capitol Sacramento, CA 95814 (916) 445-2841 Gavin Newsom Lieutenant Governor State Capitol, Room 1114 Sacramento, CA 95814 (916) 445-8994 John A. Pérez Speaker of the Assembly State Capitol, Room 219 P.O. Box 942849 Sacramento, CA 94249 Mark G. Yudof President of the University 1111 Franklin St., 12th Floor Oakland, CA 94607-5200 (510) 987-9074	Tom Torlakson State Superintendent of Public Instruction 1430 N Street, Suite 5602 Sacramento, CA 95814-5901 (916) 319-0800 Bruce Hallett Alumni Regent (President, Alumni Associations of UC) 1111 Franklin Street, 12th floor Oakland, CA 94607 (510) 987-9220 Lori Pelliccioni Alumni Regent (Vice President, Alumni Associations of UC) 1111 Franklin Street, 12th floor Oakland, CA 94607 (510) 987-9220
APPOINTED REGENTS
Richard C. Blum Office of the Secretary and Chief of Staff 1111 Franklin Street, 12th floor Oakland, CA 94607 (510) 987-9220	David Crane Office of the Secretary and Chief of Staff 1111 Franklin Street, 12th floor Oakland, CA 94607 (510) 987-9220
William De La Pena, M.D. Office of the Secretary and Chief of Staff 1111 Franklin Street, 12th floor Oakland, CA 94607 (510) 987-9220	Russell Gould Office of the Secretary and Chief of Staff 1111 Franklin St., 12th floor Oakland, CA 94607 (510) 987-9220
Eddie Island Office of the Secretary and Chief of Staff 1111 Franklin Street 12th Floor Oakland, CA 94607 (510) 987-9220	Odessa Johnson P.O. Box 580595 Modesto, CA 95358 (209) 521-0887
George Kieffer Office of the Secretary and Chief of Staff 1111 Franklin Street 12th Floor Oakland, CA 94607 (510) 987-9220	Sherry L. Lansing, Chairman Office of the Secretary and Chief of Staff 1111 Franklin Street 12th Floor Oakland, CA 94607 (510) 987-9220
Monica Lozano Office of the Secretary and Chief of Staff 1111 Franklin Street 12th Floor Oakland, CA 94607 (510) 987-9220	Hadi Makarechian Office of the Secretary and Chief of Staff 1111 Franklin Street, 12th floor Oakland, CA 94607 (510) 987-9220
George Marcus Office of the Secretary and Chief of Staff 1111 Franklin Street, 12th floor Oakland, CA 94607 (510) 987-9220	Alfredo Mireles, Jr. Student Regent University of California, San Francisco 500 Parnassus Ave. MU-232 East San Francisco, CA 94143-0244
Norman Pattiz Office of the Secretary and Chief of Staff 1111 Franklin Street, 12th floor Oakland, CA 94607 (510) 987-9220	Bonnie Reiss Office of the Secretary and Chief of Staff 1111 Franklin Street, 12th floor Oakland, CA 94607 (510) 987-9220
Fred Ruiz Ruiz Foods, Inc. P.O. Box 37 Dinuba, CA 93618 (800) 477-6474	Leslie Tang Schilling Office of the Secretary and Chief of Staff 1111 Franklin St., 12th floor Oakland, CA 94607 (510) 987-9220
Bruce D. Varner, Vice Chair Office of the Secretary and Chief of Staff 1111 Franklin St., 12th floor Oakland, CA 94607 (510) 987-9220	Paul Wachter Main Street Advisors 3110 Main Street Santa Monica, CA 90405 (310) 392-7607
Charlene Zettel Office of the Secretary and Chief of Staff 1111 Franklin St., 12th floor Oakland, CA 94607 (510) 987-9220
REGENTS DESIGNATES
Ronald Rubenstein Alumni Regent-designate (Secretary, Alumni Associations of UC) 1111 Franklin Street, 12th floor Oakland, CA 94607 (510) 987-9220	Alan Mendelson Alumni Regent-designate (Treasurer, Alumni Associations of UC) 1111 Franklin Street, 12th floor Oakland, CA 94607 (510) 987-9220
Jonathan Stein Student Regent-designate 1111 Franklin Street, 12th floor Oakland, CA 94607 (510) 987-9220
FACULTY REPRESENTATIVES
Robert Anderson Chair, Academic Senate University of California 1111 Franklin St., 12th Floor Oakland, CA 94607-5200 (510) 987-9303	Robert Powell Vice Chair, Academic Senate University of California 1111 Franklin St., 12th Floor Oakland, CA 94607-5200 (510) 987-0711
STAFF ADVISORS
Penny Herbert Staff Advisor Program Human Resources and Benefits 1111 Franklin St., 5th Floor Oakland, CA 94607-5200 (510) 987-0217	Kevin Smith Staff Advisor Program Human Resources and Benefits 1111 Franklin St., 5th Floor Oakland, CA 94607-5200 (510) 987-0217

Occupy Cal 11/9/11 PART 1

By MilesMathews| 1 video

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Feng Shui For The Brain

2011-11-05T22:02:00.000-07:00

I've come to believe that disorder in my life is a signal to me that things are in a disarray inside. I know, this isn't a new concept for the rest of the world, but like a gold fish, everything is new to me ever few minutes or so. I like having my things around me, I like having tableau's of things put together to look cute or as if there is a story why those items are combined in such a way. Sesame Street had that song about same things but one not like the other, I like doing that too. I'll have a grouping of classical books and then throw a rubber dragon among them. That kind of thing. My mom has determined my need to have my stuff around me means I'm a hoarder. Let me make one thing clear I AM NOT A HOARDER. I do not had an unnatural attachment to crap, I do like my stuff, but I own it, it doesn't own me. I'm sloppy, I don't have a problem with my clothes on the floor, or not making my bed and I don't have issues leaving projects out while I'm working on them...and sometime cleaning up after myself when I've finished a project. That isn't hoarding...that's sloppy boarding on slovenly.

So, the goal now is to start working towards having my room, my office and the kitchen reflect my mind more than my poor habits. I have people that will be happy to hear this, so I'm not telling them. Luckily they both don't deal with social media so I don't have to talk to them about it. You'd think this concept would have penetrated my thick skull a long time ago, but with new growth comes new realizations. I'm hoping if I work harder to keep my outside tidy and feng shui'd in a sense the process will replicate itself in my bedraggled brain.

A New Trick for Halloween

2011-10-31T00:37:00.000-07:00

I haven't planned on a costume this year. Not that I've dressed up in dog years, but I think about it from time to time. But this year, I think for a new trick, I will peel off a layer of my mask for a treat. I've been pulling out the bulldozers and excavators to try and figure out why I'm not what I want to be, what I feel I'm supposed to be. Mostly books have been my tool of choice so now I'm trying to gird my loins and actually start doing some of the things the learned authors are telling me to do. So, for this Halloween, I'm going to try and take off my mask and see how long it takes me to get scared before I have to put it back on. We all wear them, we have our work mask, our friendly mask, our pious mask and our flirty one. We've used them from the start of our ascent into adulthood as a way to protect our inner child, and we become dependent upon them....okay, maybe the dependence is only me. So, who's with me? Is the world ready for that much truth? Happy Halloween!

An Unbroken Heart Gathers No Soul

2011-10-15T01:01:00.000-07:00

Tinman can be quoted as saying "Now I know I've got a heart --- 'cuse it's breaking" It hurts, getting your heart broken. Whether it is your emotional heart, your intellectual heart or your social heart, all need to crack the crusty shell, shatter it's once held beliefs and sentiments in order to grow. Luckily for us and Tinman, our hearts are like a Timex watch: Takes a Licking and Keeps on Ticking.

This isn't some dumb-ass war cry to go out and break every heart you can get your hands on, it's not nice to be the breaker and even less fun to be the breakee. I'm saying be open to the breaking, so you can grow. So often I've walked around town, driven through blighted areas in the urban areas and hold my breath until I'm back in 'safe' surroundings. I try not to see the disheveled people leaning in doorways to keep warm and dry. "It's their choice", is one of my favorite emotional barricades to hide behind, which is right next to the second favorite of "It's the City's job to take care of them." That's not to say I don't help out when I can. I put coinage and sometimes even cashy money into poor boxes when asked, I'll buy a meal for a someone who says their hungry, you know, doing my part. Not that I need a pat on the back from anyone for doing that, I'm quite adept at patting my own back, thank you very much. But it's not enough any more.

One of my favorite made-up words is ectopherisis (ekto-fer ee sis), it's a combination word of ectoplasm (If you're a Ghostbusters fan you know that word) and Pheresis which is the process of separating out the different components of the blood in order to harvest white blood cells and plasma. Together it is the process in which our spiritual selves shed our ephemeral skin, like a snake, in order for us to grow spiritually and emotionally to the next level. Just like a snake it normally requires you to bang your head on a sharp rock, or for the sake of this blog, get your heart broken to get things started. When our hearts are frozen from the banality of every day life we turn a blind eye to the suffering of our own and of the world around us. If you are suffering you look at your fellow sojourner and proclaim to yourself that your suffering is far more painful to theirs. That egoism is a trap, it's the mortar that helps seal your heart behind the excuses for not taking a step to fix the problems in the world. To be perfectly honest, it's a very comfortable place to be most of the time. But then it happens. Something, someone, somehow you are exposed to something truly touching or thought provoking or personally painful and your heart is shattered. Then what do you do? You're in pieces....

I say revel in it. Don't try to pull the pieces back together because you will never be the same person you will be before it broke. And, honestly, do you really want to be that person ever again? Some people do, some people abhor change (and seriously, I'm one of them), but you need it to grow. If you don't turn the soil, add fresh compost and new seeds you will never reap the harvest of a well rounded soul. We only have this life to live, shouldn't we live it mindful of ourselves and mindful of the pain around us?

The impetus that brought on this blog was watching Dianne Sawyer on 20/20 showing us the Hidden America: Children of the Plains. I realized my simple "They choose to live like that" or "The Government should fix it, that's why we pay taxes," doesn't cover the horrific lives the Lakota Sioux Indians are living at Pine Ridge, SD. Though I'm not faring much better financially, I'm determined to get a box of school supplies together, even if I have to raid my own personal stock-pile of office supplies and send it to them. I hope, as my employment betters, or if my book is published, I will be in a better position to help more. My heart broke when I saw the drawing of a little girl showing herself hanging and both of her wrists slashed with puddles of blood on the floor. This was a doodle, it wasn't a psyche evaluation. It was heart-wrenching. Not just because she is too young to have those thoughts but because I know what it's like to have those thoughts. The tribe helped her in many ways, one was to give her an Indian name, something like, She Who Stands During Storms. It gave her strength, and seeing her improve over the course of the hour gave me strength. And so my heart ticks anew.....

Remember, Tinman always had a heart, he was just frozen for so long that it took the loss of his friend to hear it ticking again.

Themes in Dreams

2011-10-13T16:35:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you know by now that I have extra-ordinary dreams, life like and even sometimes continuations of dreams that I've had days, weeks or even months before. It's like I live a different life when I'm dreaming, sometimes hoping that the dream world is real and this day-to-day grind is a nightmare I keep falling into. What I like most about dreaming is being able to jump into the air and fly. Flying has got to be my absolute favorite dream element. It's supposed to mean you are happy. Needless to say, I haven't had one in a long, long while because of the stress of the waking world. One theme that has always been with me for as long as I can remember is having to have to go home after being away and having to have to pack all my belonging back up and get them on the plane/car/train home again. But there is just too much stuff. I bring volumes of books, my bird, all my make-up even though I only wear it in real life for a special occasion or when I'm going to get my picture taken. The stress of finding a way to get it all back home again is often more than I can deal with and I'm stymied to do anything at all. Last night, I'm happy to report that I was able to get everything home, even Sammy (my parrot) I secured in a zipped compartment on my carry on.
This is what it means according to www.dreammoods.com

To dream that you are packing, signifies big changes ahead for you. You are putting past issues to rest or past relationships behind you. Alternatively, it represents the burdens that you carry.

To dream that you are packing, unpacking and packing and unpacking again, represents chaos in your life. You are feeling overwhelmed with the various things you are juggling in your life. You are carrying around too many burdens and need to let go. Consider what unfinished business you have to tend to. Try to resolve these issues so they can finally be put to rest.

My interpretation of the interpretation is since I'm packing to go home, and constantly packing and unpacking to repack to make more room for what I need to bring home would be that I've been away from my self too long and caught up in the chaos that is my life. Home for me is writing, which was brought home with accuracy last year when I was doing National Novel Writing Month and I completed a novel in 30 days (actually more like 26). Home for me is creating stories and blogging and doing projects that help me think in different angels and direction I never would have before. That is home for me. In my dreams I'm very covetous over my books, my writing items and, of course, Sammy. I think it's telling me that I need to shed, both physically and emotionally, the things that really aren't that important to me getting back home. Getting home, being a full time fiction writer, is the goal, not to tote all my excess baggage around with me until I'm too exhausted to do anything I deem of worth.

Yes, that is a picture of my parrot Sammy. She's doing her "Pretty Girl" trick.

Editing in Real Life

2011-10-10T17:58:00.000-07:00

I've been editing my second book, a girl meets genealogy and stirs up some ghosts of her families past, it's a fun story and I enjoy re-running certain points in my head because they're entertaining, but editing.....I hate editing. It points out that I wasn't good enough to get it right in the first draft. Not that anyone really does, I know, but that is the goal that I strive for. And true to form, I will find anything else to do other than editing, like, I dunno Blogging perhaps? hehe As I was driving around town today, looking at antique shops for a cool cane for my Mom and a nice poison cabinet for when I start making poisons (whole other long story, they aren't for human use or animal use either, I've not found any Borgia in my blood-line...) I was looking at editing from a whole-life perspective instead of just as a tiresome job to do after writing.

How often do we find ourselves like bonsai trees, edited to an ascetically consumable standard. We grow, push our roots out further and as soon as we start to show growth we clip ourselves back into shape, never allowed to really wiggle our roots in a loamy soil. We bend and clamp ourselves into different positions until we can do nothing else. Yes, we're beautiful, but are we happy? Everyone is confined to their dishes, be it large or small, and though we see the trees in the wild and even envy them at times, but no one would trade their cozy, warm, manicured life for the opportunity to grow big and tall and then shot down by lightning or rotted out by mold.

How much editing is needed though? I mean seriously, how much should we keep and how much should we redact from our every day life to 'fit in' or to be loved? I guess it comes down to what kind of bonsai you are. If you are a palm, a ficus or maple tree and what ever other kind of bonsais there are out there. I like the tree I picked for this piece, it shows the seasons, it changes every few months. I'd like to believe that my personal editing makes way for new growth without out-growing my roots or pot I have to grow in this life. Both humble and proud, showy and coy, stalwart and flaky in one big bottomed bowl. Yea, that's me!

Procrastination

2011-09-21T18:40:00.000-07:00

It is said that Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. In my case, it feel like trying to keep up with last week. Especially when it comes to something that I want desperately but don't want my toes stepped on or my heart crushed again. I'm talking about submitting my manuscript to WiDo. The query letter thing has always been a bit of a block for me. I've tried to be witty, I've tried to be businesslike, I've tried to be professional, I've tried to be persuasive, but no matter what I've tried I can't seem to get published. I have had some very positive feedback from the different people that have read my work, even getting to the final phase of reading when it's voted on as to whether or not it should be published....but it was a no. I want to be able to support myself with my writing, but it's never going to happen as long as I keep dragging my feet and daydreaming that I'll stumble into a VP at a big publishing house who sees my potential and wit as the next big thing in publishing and signs me on the spot. And I'm not completely deluded into thinking that I can actually make a great living as a published author. In truth only a handful get the $1 million dollar advances for their work, which is why I became a phlebotomist, but it's good to have goals.

So, I wrote the query letter for WiDo last week, or it could even be the week before, I forget. My brain has been swimming in it's own miasma lately, so memory is kind of obscured in the fog. I took the approach of answering the points they wanted me to cover. Information about myself and my writing, I gave them the "elevator" pitch for the book, and then my activity in social networking and how I would use it to help them market my work. (Yes, dear reader, you will be updated step-by-important-step of the process when it is accepted for publication. And more than likely you will be the fifth group of people I notify of my glorious news). Each section is headed and then a paragraph or two would be under it for ease of reading. I'd post it here, the query letter, if I thought it would give me an edge, but I think I just need to print it, edit it and then paste it into an e-mail with my first three chapters and send it off. Why is it that something that looks so simple on paper feel like moving a fifty ton boulder up an 180 degree hill?

The funny thing is, it's not like I've had a hundred or so "No's" for this project, it's actually been less than 10. Most people get that done and over with and take on even more before breakfast and don't let something as simple as a little word stop them from their dreams becoming a reality. Maybe that's the true fear for me....my dreams becoming a reality. Not to sound morose or anything, but there is a little hermit inside my head that believes as soon as your accomplish everything you've wanted to accomplish, you die. He's not very popular with the cool kids in my head, hence the hermit status. I won't die, I know that because I am always setting goals, always setting the bar higher and always wanting more, which is just human nature as we all know it. So, Hermit be gone, I'm sending it out on Friday so they can print it up and take it home for the weekend! Wish me luck!

My New Favorite Opera: Turnadot

2011-09-18T19:05:00.000-07:00

The Thick and Thin of It

2011-09-16T13:29:00.000-07:00

I've taken the first step into medically assisted life-long change. I'm thinking about the Lap Band surgery to aid in my losing weight and hopefully putting some of my endocrine issues to rest for good. My body has thrown up some good arguments to the contrary but I've decided to go onto the next step of the process and talk to my doctor about it. Am I fluffy? Yes. Am I all fluff, no. I've never really dealt with the idea that I'm overweight until I have to go shopping for clothes. I try never to look at myself in a full length mirror because, well, they lie. My image of myself has always been a brain with a mouth on legs. I try not to think of myself as a physical being. Kind of like Mr. Bunny over there....he's not just fluffy, but that's all people see.

I've lost a ton of weight once, almost 150lbs (I was like 1-3 lbs off) and it caused some bad wiring in my head and I lost myself, if at 22 anyone really has themselves. I have me now, I know who I am, what I want to become and I am firmly facing the direction I want to go. So now, do I want to carry with me just emotional baggage or a steamer trunk of bricks along for the ride? There are cosmetic issues with the different surgeries I will have to deal with along the way if I do it, and I'll have to give up some wonderfully dangerous practices, I'm going to have to learn to eat three meals a day and exercise more than the average bear, okay more than the average sloth, but I'm starting to believe, the more I think and talk and write about it, that it might actually be worth it. (sorry for the run-on sentence, you'd think I'd know better by now.)

Have I Forgiven the Terrorists of 9/11?

2011-09-11T13:32:00.000-07:00

The US is a nation that prides itself on freedom of religion. We have the most religions, I believe, in the world. We cover everything from the classic minister and congregation to Paganism with their nature deities to fundamentalism in every sect. We are, in that sense free. Each religion demands a sort of forgiveness for those who trespass against us in order to be forgiven. But can we forgive the selfish and senseless actions of the pilots, the fierce intent to kill the infidels? I'm still not sure it was a religious attack, just perfectly hidden behind a religious facade. The politics are too convoluted for a non political chess master. So, I am left with my Christian roots and blooming Buddhist values.....Can I-Have I forgive the terrorists that took away the innocence of the United States in an attempt to force us into an extreme way of life to make them heroes in their heavens?

I don't like calling them murderers, even though through the first degree murder description in the CPC calls for a show of "real intent and malice aforethought". They definitely had forethought and will a real intent they took to learning to fly, to setting their affairs in order and got on the planes with every intention to kill and to die.

I'm trying to pull back and look at their intent. Yes, they were motivated by a heaven full of virgins for their sacrifice. It was all the rage to make jokes about it after 9/11 and at times are still used as punch-lines today. I feel that is as wrong as spitting on the Pope. No, I don't approve of their form of proselyting, but that is what they were doing. Missionary work, no matter what the religion, its intent is to change the fundamental attitudes, lifestyle and eternal path of the average person. I was a missionary, though I didn't have a personal fatwa to convert or kill but I did have a jihad to help as many people as I could to make their lives better....one child at a time. What they did with one devastating sweeping gesture (requiring people to change their ways of life) I did by walking door-to-door handing out books and teaching lessons in homes. (Yes, you need to take out the whole killing part...which I admit is hard)

I go back to the general question....have I forgiven them? No, no one I knew died in the towers or in the field or at the Pentagon. I was blessed in that regard. Having used our inept security measures against us, destroying lives, forcing us into a new political paradigm based on fear instead of freedom, and destroying my idealism of the US and shaking my concept of general security? Have I forgiven them for taking away my innocence in the wars of the world? I don't think so. Not because I have tried, because I haven't. Once my mind was numbed from all the reports on TV, the comedians trying to lighten the situation by easing pain of our losses, the chatter on the street as well as then my personal unemployment, my general hatred of life in general and abstract, I just walled it up and tried to never visit it again. So, I would have to say I've never said the words to the masterminds (symbolically of course), to the terrorists that flew the plane, etc. Of course the fear comes up: If I forgive them does that mean I condone what they did? Does it mean I'm okay with them doing this again, and again to us because we are turning the other cheek? Does this mean I am sullying the lives lost of the men and women, children and heroes of that day? I think all those answers are a general NO. Forgiveness isn't about hurting, it's about healing. God will sort out and judge/punish as He sees fit. To forgive means you aren't carrying around so much baggage that when it is time for the blessing of forgiveness to wash over you, you will have full redemption and it not be sidetracked by trying to pry your judgements off you. It's not just saying the words either, you have to forgive. True, it's easier for me, like I said before, because I don't have a dog in the fight, so they say, but I did loose my child-like wonder of being an American.

No, I haven't forgiven them. Dragging up all these ideas has made me dislike them even more. But, today, I plan to take a moment of silence and express my forgiveness to them as I ask a blessing for the families of all to be blessed with the charity of the heavens to help heal the wounds of such violent intents.

Monkey In The Middle

2011-09-07T16:17:00.000-07:00

I had two brothers who, in general, never came together on anything. One was a sweet, innately loving soul the other was a vicious sociopathic bully. The one thing that built the bridge between them was the opportunity to terrorize their three younger sisters. Their favorite game? Monkey in the middle with anything of value to us. It's not a game that the person in the middle ever wins. It normally ends when the two perpetrators get tired and go away to reek havoc somewhere else. The Monkey never, ever wins because brothers that are 11 and 13 years older than you will always be bigger and stronger than you. The only hope for revenge is to wait until their children are old enough to have special attachments to dolls, balls, or teddy bears and return the favor.

Why bring this up you ask? The whole political climate has made me feel as vulnerable as that little girl was being terrorized by the two opposites in the house. We have the Right and the Left fighting for their values, not for the people they represent. Instead of getting things done (the teddy bear between them) they are constantly volleying it back and forth to each other in verbal skirmishes so nothing gets done. The teddy bear goes back and forth while the monkey (middle-of-the-road citizens) are exhausting themselves with trying to make due with their shrinking finances, the fears of loosing their job, the anxiety of trying to find a job while raising the next generation in a pseudo-economic depression. (I know they call it a recession, but that's like calling an iPad a chalk slate....they both record information...sorta). The political pundents are more concerned with their ratings and will say just about anything to tip the scales in their favor. Taking words out of context or adding a word to fluff up an image of intelligence, or in most cases, idiocy in order to inflame their more slack-jaw viewers arming them for their personal political rants with their friends of the other political persuasion. The media would have you believe that the majority has voted these idiots into office, but the truth is the majority of the people that vote voted these idiots into office, or they vote like me....the lesser of the evils....and then the lesser evil pulls a Jekyll/Hyde us.

The one thing that really annoys the beegeeses out of me is with all the ranting, all the railing against one another in DC, no one takes the time to suggest a fix. Each side is cemented in their dogma of, to quote Mr. W "My way or the Highway" position. I'm not talking just Republicans here, but Democrats as well. If they take the time to write a comment for the press, couldn't they spend just as much time to make a suggestion for a fix so both sides can be happy....or at least less miserable. Too much time is spent posturing to each other and the monkeys in the middle are too busy to stand up and tell them to put a sock in it and get back to work. Which is what literally needs to be done. If any of us spent more time on office politics than getting their job done we'd be hitting the bricks with the other millions of unemployed. It's just that simple. However, when you are in the service of the people, apparently office-politics is all you have to be skilled in.

So, here I am, saying that they need to come up with a solution instead of fighting between each other. There is no difference between the ordinary (me) person and a politicians so here are my solutions for this situation....

Every one, no matter what your political interests are, VOTE! And vote for the ones that aren't in the extremes just because they are they are your party d'jour. Study out the candidates and then find the one that you feel will best serve your interests.
Set time limits on bills writing, rebuttals, votes and passings. For example, if a need arises, a bi/tri/multi party committee is pulled together and given three months to write the best solution to the bill that is possible, taking into account all the parties idyllic ideas and then present it for rebuttal to the heads of each party, who would have six weeks to come up with changes, modifications and deletions. Then the original committee would have three weeks to fix it, if they feel it should be fixed. Any time spent denigrating the bill in the media is deducted from the time for that group/committee has for making adjustments. Then after about six months bills should be able to pass through and we wouldn't have the congressional constipation that seems to keep things from passing.
All politicians should be required to keep a wiki or a blog that explains why they voted the way they did, especially if it's against the way their constituents want. Their constituents should have access to a voting application on that site where they can go in and cast a vote or post an opinion.
No "extra" stuff on bills that have nothing at all to do with the bill itself so their won't be any more bribes for votes any more. All monies need to be accounted for an posted on-line. We have the technology people, we should be using it.
If a politician doesn't show up to vote, they don't get paid. If I don't work I don't get paid, why should they? Why can't we hold them to the same work standard as the rest of the US.
They should have to post every meeting they have with a lobbyist, special interest, the minutes from those meetings and any contributions/junkets/parties that take place. They should be limited to how many they can see and heavy penalties to their office (their paycheck, I mean) should be levied for every infraction.

There are a few more but this should give you an idea of what can happen if we all get involved in shaping our future. Yes, we are at almost the very bottom of our economic foundation. Everything we have always come know and believe in in our government is either gone or in a state of flux. This is scary, yes, but it is also a blessing. We have the opportunity to rebuild the United States to our own ideals if we just take a small amount of time to vote, and to email our representatives and tell them what we feel they should be doing. It's a leap of faith that we will be heard, but by not doing anything at all is only going to guarantee yourself misery. We, the monkeys, need to rise, step out of the middle and demand what is rightfully ours!

Addictions: Good or Bad?

2011-09-04T20:29:00.000-07:00

I'm addicted to:

Diet soda with caffeine
Playing Vegas style solitaire on my computer until the battery wares out
Chocolate
Doctor Who
Parrots and other unique birds
Humongous marshmallows
Chocolate
Ice Cream
Oatmeal Raisin Cranberry cookies from Safeway
Outrageous Oatmeal Cookies from Starbucks
Peanut butter and honey mixed together
Sleeping
M&Ms
Hersey products

Why can't I be addicted to something that's good for me, like:

Reading my scriptures
Performing Christlike Service
Exercising
Eating three meals a day

So, is addiction bad when it's something good for you? Addiction, in and of itself is bad, right? I dunno.

Pinch Me.....I think I'm dreaming!

2011-08-26T22:11:00.000-07:00

You know how life goes, your down on your luck, you have a dour outlook and life gives you back what you put out; crap. I'm learning this, or rather, been taught this, over and over again. Living Buddha, Living Christ tells me I need to meditate to gain mindfulness in conjunction with Christ. The When Anger Hurts book concurs with meditation to stifle the dark swirling emotions so I've been 'chanting' I Know Heavenly Father Loves Me from the Primary songbook using each phrase as a cue to breathe in and out and focus on the images it invokes. Or Praise God, From Whom All Blessings Flow, but either way it's the calming and security that I love from these exercises. It's keeping me from spiralling me out of control. So, my outlook as been a little more hopeful. In order to to keep hope alive in my everyday life I've added a Hope journal to my journal and I mindfully choose the ideas/concepts/items I am hopeful for. Just hoping is a new start for me. (Yea Me!) So, what does all this have to do with my life? I'll tell you....

My sister has been promising me and promising me a job with the company she works with. She has a had this possible job for me for months now. It's a fast growing technology company and they need someone to do grunt type work. It's, as she calls it, brain numbing, but I have enough going on not to want something that's going to take a lot of brain power. And the plus side....it is real money, forty hours a week, no pressure, no required overtime, etc. So, win-win-win for me. Thank you C!
I am now in charge of all of Mom's hours again, so, again money. Not that I only hope for money, but trust me, I'm very mindful when it is absent. I'm looking forward to being able to buy a few necessities as well as a few niceties. Thank you Mom!
This one is the most surprising, touching and generous act I had never expected. P. was talking about selling his car because he doesn't want to have to put out extra money for something he feels he can live without. Mom probed him as to what he would charge me if I were to buy the car. Without hesitation he says's "If Aunt Pam needs it I'll give it to her." Yea, I know, my jaw bounces off the floor every time I think of it. He's my favorite right now. True they have to teach me how to better handle a manual transmission, and though she doesn't know it, my best friend is going to have to teach and sit with me as I try to navigate the hills of San Francisco, but I feel like I'm up for the challenge. To sweeten the gift, it needs about $1k of work, which C. is going to front me the money so it's running and safe for me learn on. And the ABSOLUTE best thing? It has AIR CONDITIONING.. You would understand if you've lived in California during heat waves and not have air conditioning for over 8years or so.

So, now I am on my way to supporting my little family again. Sammy will be reacquainted with her vet, Mom will have all the things that make her life special and I will have a source for a savings, a little pot for the chance of a vacation, and maybe just a touch more for me.

I change my mind, don't pinch me. If I'm dreaming I don't want to wake up because I don't want to leave this world of hope that seems to be springing up around me.

-

Am I Ready?

2011-08-20T15:48:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know I railed against the amelioration's of the medical professionals towards the elderly in America. When my mother finally presented with symptoms that didn't resemble a figment they took action. We're waiting for her to get out of the procedure room for a dual-chamber pacemaker. Getting a little anxious because it's taking longer than what they said it would...even with the cushion for drugging, scrubbing and cutting.

Am I ready for my mom to pass? I don't know. Yes, it would be the speeding up of my goals and life plans, and No because I feel like I've just gotten to a point where I can meet some emotional goals I have for both of us. I know, I know I can't force my goals on anyone, no matter how good they are for them, but I can still set the goals. I know I'm medicated enough to where I can handle it, well, be numb enough not to feel it until the initial stress wains and I can pick apart the emotions one-at-a-time and not be overwhelmed. I don't like feeling overwhelmed.

Palliative Care in America

2011-08-14T23:48:00.000-07:00

I'm not looking forward to old age. I don't know of anyone that really is, but watching the slow descent of my mother into her, so called, golden years has become a painful warning of what will happen to everyone. No one, no matter how good your genes are, how rich or how religious you are, if you aren't corralled by other demises will wither and die with the best of them. I was talking with my mom this evening about her cardiologist reticence in giving her a pacemaker because she is continually maintaining a coma level pulse rate. (In the mid to high 40's). He keeps poo-pooing her inquiries into a pacemaker and saying to keep taking her drugs and she'll be fine. The thing is with such low heart rate she is unable to do anything on her own. I'm not talking rebuilding car engines, I'm talking about making it to the front room from her bedroom without being completely exhausted and needing her oxygen. I get that she's old, she's 82, but the woman still has spunk. She has no problem in letting you know what's on her mind, even if she's a few years behind the current idioms of the day. I'm almost afraid of what would happen if she got the gas to fuel her ambitions....scary.

I get that there isn't much that can be done for her, she's old. The trend with her doctors seems to be give her some kind of pill to make it better. I can't totally fault that method of care, I am the poster-child for better living through pharmacology and all, but these drugs seem to work in keeping her sedated. She sleeps most of the day away and gets precious little out of watching TV and waiting for her kids and grand kids to drop in on her for a chat. That truly is the extent of her life.

What is the crux of this blog is simple, I don't want to be a victim of palliative care. I don't want to be put away in a home, away from the up-and-coming generations who fear the old and slowly dying. I don't want to be drugged into a stupor because my heart inconveniently keeps pumping and brain keeps spinning. Even if my body betrays me, that doesn't give the medical professionals permission to practice palliative medicine to make their own lives easier.

People keep yelling about Obama Care not being the solution, that it's tantamount to socialism, etc., etc. But the current system, putting people in old-folks-homes and giving their care to the lowest bidder where they are medicated into a pseudo-death is no better than a concentration camp with hospital corners. (sorry for the run-on sentence). Okay, harsh, they don't have gas chambers (unless you consider industrial strength urine remover toxic?) and most of the doctors did get their degrees in the US, but the idea of putting a protected class away, where they are forgotten by their neighbors,weekend do-gooding for their kids with kids, and stock-piled like cord wood in sterile-ish facilities with shared commodes. Indignities abound all in a days work by slightly more than minimum wage earners. Whew, I'm glad I got that off my noggin.

I never thought I would be advocating for old-people. I guess that's yet another indication that I'm growing up. Damn! I guess I'm not advocating for the elderly now, but advocating for change before the family carts me off to the farm.

Avoiding Narcissus' Fate

2011-08-13T17:04:00.000-07:00

Narcissus was a beautiful Greek of mythology who was led to a pond of clear cool water to get a look at himself by Nemesis. He fell in love with his image and couldn't be bothered to leave it and he died. When I looked closer into the myth I found Narcissus' name was synonymous with the words sleep or numbness. Is that my problem? No, I'm no beauty, nothing on Narcissus' level, but I seem to have fallen head-first into a pool of tears and have become half asleep and numb. Too dramatic? Possibly.

Depression isn't about self-love, it's more being completely consumed by self-loathing. One becomes so obsessed with ones problem/situation/failures or whatever ones psychological nemesis has lured one with, and one can't pull away from the pool of tears one sees oneself in.

I'm reading back over my words and I'm excited by what I'm saying. Normally I let my brain have a modicum of freedom with my fingers and just let the grey matter do the talking., like the subconscious talks to the conscious. In the past I've considered depression to be self-inflicted, self-centered, self-indulgent and wrong. Of course, I was depressed and hated myself when I made those generalizations. Now, I'm seeing it's not that easy, it's not an excuse to run myself down but a reason to get help. Though I still feel at time that taking the time to fix myself, to focus in, I'm wasting time and energy. However, I am getting the help, equivalent of the nemesis that pushed me towards the negative, to pull myself away from the pool of tears and getting back into the world and not suffer the same fate as Narcissus.

Flight for Tomorrow - A Goal for Today

2011-08-08T08:21:00.000-07:00

I'm calmer today, so far. That's saying it's calmer because Sammy and I are the only two up, so that makes things a little better. I hope to keep getting up at the earlier hours so I can start getting all my work done before Mom gets up so I don't have to work around her.

I'm still wanting to just be alone. To be completely cut off from the world and the people who annoy the crap out of me. I want to fall head first into the narcissistic vein in my soul and revel in it like some of my family. Yet, I've struggled so hard not to make my world start with "I" and then "Me" before "you" and "Us". I my goal is to become a world citizen, not just a drain on the world as a human. I may never, ever make that big of a ripple in the wide ocean of need, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try.

What if, after the world turns for a new season in my life I find that the world pisses me off, I'll find a new cause, but for now, the idea is like a security blanket making me hopeful, and it makes me push forward so that someday I will be of use and not a waste to the world. Essentially I'm earning my wings now to someday land on the world stage.

Courage In The Quiet Moments

2011-08-03T23:27:00.000-07:00

I've been calling myself a coward for being so, uhm, cowardly in sending my manuscript back out into the wide world for publication. I know, I know, you will get hundreds of nos before you get that one yes. You stop getting nos after that, it's just getting that one yes that is driving me bonkers. I've been looking at a new possible publisher called WiDo. I'm pronouncing it "We Do" in hopes that they do publish my manuscript. I've been told by other publishers, in their "Thanks but no thanks" letters that it's a good story, but it doesn't mesh within their wheelhouse. It not like I've recieved a bunch of no's for my work, it's just the handful that I have had are so, I dunno, discouraging. If I can't handle the single no from a publisher how am I going to handle it when I am published and even if the critics love it there's always one who hates what eveyone loves (you know who you are) and he says that it's crap-on-a-stick and a tragic waste of trees to print it. I can't be afraid of the little no, I need to straighten my weak knees, focus on the prize and stop looking at the no's behind me and start hunting for the yes to come.

I hate giving myself pep talks, they all seem a bit self-serving, don't you think?

I've Found Heaven On Earth.....Still Heart Institute

2011-07-26T22:51:00.000-07:00

So, I'm cruising Skyline on my birthday as a mini-no-money kind of vacation and I passed the gates of the Still Heart Institute. I passed it, like I did the other places I saw and was mildly interested in. Only the calm and peace spilling over like a gentle waterfall from the property made me stop, turn around and ascend up the driveway to the beautifully naturally manicured front of old Lodge. The parking lot was empty save a few of their shuttle vans and it intrigued me. Was I coming upon private property, like a country club?After parking I walked up, I saw the maintenance workers cleaning things in what looked like a dining area and maids working on a balcony. The entrance was around a man-made waterfall, the laughing water splashing on the rocky bed. Carved stones marked the path with a simple message, reminiscent of the Bermashave signs of old, "How far down the rabbit hole are you willing to go." At this point I though it was a rehab center. Luckily, I was soooo wrong.

Still Heart is a non profit institute for learning. Any kind of learning. The have retreats, they have guests speakers, they have food demonstrations. Anyone willing to take on the responsibility of creating a retreat is able to. I had no idea we had such a bounty hidden in the hills. I wished I knew about it when I was doing silent auctions for Make-A-Wish(r). I would have bid the crap out of this item.

I sought out the administration office and got more information. With the pictures of Buddhist monks in a the lobby and the absolute peace you feel when you walk through he doors, hell, I wanted to see if I could move in. My heart has been searching for a non-church place like this. I've only ever felt it in the temple. If you take away the sacred significance of the temple, this would be the gentile counterpart.

I met Joanne Brohmer and she was kind enough t take me on a tour of the facilities. They have in in-door pool filled with saline. What that means is you have a slightly salty warm pool of water to swim in. The salt is a natural chlorine that doesn't kill everything it come into contact with. Next to the pool was an alcove here he bubbly hot tub was. There is a dry sauna and changing rooms. Up the flight of stairs there was the great room, where you can sit and look at the original Chihuly sculptures floating above you. There is a piano, circle of pillows, a balcony and 180 degree view of the misty trees just outside the building.

Though the accommodations were elegantly appointed, nothing prepared me for the guestrooms!! Goodness gracious were they unbelievable. Okay, maybe not the bedroom area, but the bathroom.....it was unbelievable! It had a stall shower, a commode and then a bathtub I want to live in....and I could live in it if I had to. It's that huge. It goes above and beyond what a soaking tub should be. Being 5'9" tall and almost as wide, you can see why a large soaking tub would be so desirable. (I didn't think to snap a pictureor two with my camera....dumb bunny)

Joanne and I talked numbers. If there isn't a group of people there staying, anyone can stay without having to have to live up to the mandate of education. The price, again a shocker, $150 per person. Considering what you would pay for a B&B that didn't have half the amenities as Still Heart, it's a bargain. You can bring you own food or patronize the local hangouts Two reservation-only continental restaurants and Alice's Restaurant aren't that far from this little bit of heaven on earth.

Why am I going on like this you ask? Well, like I said they are a non-profit and are trying to stay afloat in this hellish economy. By the time I get my money saved, it might be gone. So, I'm asking, nay begging, if you want a place for peace, if you need a place for a corporate off-site, you need to call Joanne and see what you can arrange. To loose something this perfect would be a sad, sad waste.

Pot Gardening

2011-06-19T17:06:00.000-07:00

Gartner in the orignial German means Gardener. Like Adam and Eve were gardeners, or so I read in a book. I was shocked to see my name in the German translation of a book on castles that I bought in Germany. It said since the time of the original Gardeners (Gärtner)..... My father was a rancher/Farmer and could put in a backyard garden in his sleep. My sister C has carried on that tradition and loves to do the whole vegetable garden. My other sister S likes to do the flower garden thing and I do pot gardening. Not that kind of pot, more like container gardening. I've got some herbs going now...basil, thyme, orageno and chocolate pepermint. I'm not doing an "organic" herbal garden per se, but I'm trying not to mix in the snail killing stuff along with the soil. I'd love to invent a ring you fill will beer so it can be all organic and the snails die a happy death, but even with all the time in the world that I have now, I don't have the time.

The one thing that I really like about pot gardening in my backyard is the automatic sprinklers we have that keep the roses and the hydrangias and other plants (and weeds) going. I thought it would be enough water to keep my little ones well nourished with water and I could just let them be on their own and flurish. Boy, was I wrong. I just came in from watering them because they were quite parched and then moving them to the side of the house with the hydrangias, because they just aren't getting enough water...plus it's been very hot the past few days. So, low hydration and heat make some really crispy herb leaves. I want to grow bushy plants before I start gathering them in.

So, hopefully, given time, my pots will be just as spactacular as C's veggies and S's flowers, because we are all Gardeners in our own way. Mine is just a little more self contained, clean nail and callous free.

Death By Jello

2011-05-28T15:11:00.000-07:00

Not a very dignified death if you ask me. But it could have happened! I was eating lime jellow with diced peaches sort of snarfling it in spoonful at a time and then inhaled. And choked. It didn't take much to clear it but during those chilling moments of the oh-no-I'm-choking panic I saw my tombstone: Died from Jello Inhalation. What have I learned from this? Jello can be a lethal weapon.

Choices Spawning Worlds

2011-05-26T14:52:00.000-07:00

I'm all for science, don't get me wrong. But how is it that scientists just have to put forth math (a dubious proof for me because I can't do math without a calculator, computer and some sort of anti-anxiety medication to figure things out) but religion has to put what they believe in a solid form. I was watching Naked Science on the Nat Geo channel, they were discussing light and the theory of multiple worlds and the multi-universe. Though these theories were very intriguing, they are just theories. Which is why I guess the people that put them forth are called theoretical physicists. (doh)

Choices can spawn complete different universes. Think about that for a minute. If everyone on the planet made a choice between paper or plastic at the same time that would create 7.2 billion new worlds just on that stupid choice, seems kind of, I dunno, as far fetched as there being a God in Heaven is to the atheists. Again, I'm not saying science is wrong, just showing me numbers that somehow prove what they can't hand to me and prove seems just far fetched. Now, if you want to say major choices, like marriage or no, children or no, gay or straight, believer or heathen, then I could grasp it. I could see a "stupid choice' world could come into being, like the trash can on your desktop where all your stupid choices and irrelevant choices go to live (In fact there are days that make me feel like I'm living there now). I know, logic denotes linear thinking, mine is more spacey-wacy and timey-wimey for science. And I know I'm going to hear it from the atheists and heathens in my family for this opinion, but it's just; that mine and an opinion.

I know the universe is infinite, but so is God. I know we can postulate about universes and traveling at the speed of light to our hearts content. But if you look at it from a purely proof-driven point of view, if we have multi-universes, multi-worlds prove it. Show it to me. Without the proof it is no more than a heartfelt belief, not so different than ones belief in an omnipotent and benevolent Heavenly Father. So, I put a challenge out there to the anti-God scientists out there: Prove it!

Turning To The Window

2011-05-17T11:54:00.000-07:00

There is saying that when a door shuts, God opens a window. I've spent far too much of my life mourning at the door closing and not turning towards the widnow. I've been feeling the walls close in on my tighter and tighter as money evaporates before I get it. Just when I think I'm about to suffocate in the empty room a window opens and a rush of cool, fragrant breeze freshens the room and light tumbles into the dark confines. I am truly blessed, truly loved. I am so grateful for the celestial hands that hold me securely in His care. I need to be more grateful for the the little things, the big things, and the things that I don't even realize are there until I get smacked up side the head to make me realize I am NEVER alone when the door shuts.

Tomorrow Is Always A Day Away

2011-05-15T23:46:00.000-07:00

Little Orphan Annie sings that song in the play. The thing of it is, it's always a day away. It's never the now. I have so many grand plans for the ever elusive tomorrow that I give myself on a pass for today. I'll get up earlier tomorrow. I'll get my room straightened out tomorrow. I'll find a job tomorrow. I'll train Sammy how to poop on command tomorrow. I'll read a book tomorrow. I'll get my laundry done tomorrow. I'll shower tomorrow. I'll take care of my blood sugar tomorrow. I'll be happy tomorrow. I'll be better tomorrow. I won't be tomorrow. Tomorrow always comes in that fleeting nanosecond between tick and tock before the chimes ring in the new day. Then it's today, it's now, it's never. But, there's always tomorrow.

Angels and Devils and I

2011-05-14T18:15:00.000-07:00

If my devils were to leave me,

I am afraid my angels

will take flight as well.

- Rilke

*****

When I say "I" I mean

a thing absolutely unique,

not to be confused

with any other.

- Ugo Betti

Ding Dong Osama's Dead - A Phliosophical Dichotomy

2011-05-01T21:51:00.000-07:00

Okay, first let me say it: I'm glad he's dead! I'm a little ashamed of that though. Before you start gnashing your teeth and start swearing at me for my lack of patriotism hear me out....

Just about ten years ago the twin towers fell. Footage from around the world showed people celebrating the destruction and death of New York City. We were mourning and the world was happy we were finally taken down a peg. I don't want to be one of them. I don't want to celebrate death of a nation/group/person because I don't want to be so arrogant to think that other people are less human or more deserving of death than I do. What makes me different from Osama in my beliefs that he's wrong.

Yet, Ding Dong Osama's dead! May he rest in pieces.

Future Dreaming or Nightmare...You tell me...

2011-05-01T14:19:00.000-07:00

So, in the dream Hollywood controlled the world, all movies are interactive, instead of eating food we ate the chemicals they are preserved in, AND there is a resistance group to keep some basic moral boundaries in the government. So, nightmare or what?

Don't say reality, because the dream was scary enough.

Faster than a Breaking Heart

2011-04-28T19:44:00.000-07:00

Well, I've heard back from Maple Tree's appropriate imprint called Trumpet Media. They are currently not taking on new manuscripts. Which is something I wasn't able to glean from their website. I get that there are a lot of unpub'd out there wanting to find that one kind and generous publisher that will take on the adventure of a new author. I get that, really. What I don't get is why they are willing to get unpub's hearts and hopes up because they don't post it on their website instead of sending out a curt "We're not taking submissions at this time" e-mails and making them waste time filling in their forms instead of letting me send a querry letter. So, now that my head has stopped spinning, stitch things back together and find another publisher to send my work to. Chocolate would be so good right now. {{sigh}}

I Done Did It Again

2011-04-26T14:35:00.000-07:00

So, I planned to send my Soul Searching: House of Dragons to Walnut Springs Press yesterday, in honor of my "anniversary". Yea, I know I said I'd do it last week, but the way my chronometer works, then is now, so I'm on schedule. As I was trying to find the newest copy of my novel I realized that leathertreepress.com is where I sent it last June....essentially I already sent it to them, never heard back. Now that we're 'friends' on Facebook, I'll have to poke them and ask them why.

What shocked me the most was how familiar it was to fill out the submissions page for Maple Tree Publishing Company. I'm pretty sure I filled it out once before but abandoned it for some reason or another. Hopefully I'm not being redundant by sending it twice.

I'm wondering though if by sending it to Maple Tree, which is the umbrella publishing arm of four imprints if that means I've met my New Years Resolution of sending House of Dragons off to four different publishers in the year 2011? There's the lazy writer in me that says "Yes!!!" so I don't have to hold my breath for four different "Thanks, but no thanks." or if I just need to pull up my big-girl writing pants and suck-it-up and find another imprint to submit to.

The Dreamer and the Dream

2011-04-23T14:24:00.000-07:00

Had one humdinger of a dream last night. It haunted me most of the morning until I realized what it meant. To start with, I went to bed dizzy. Not the my-feet-aren't-completely-on-the-floor kind of loosing balance but the effect when you turn your head and the vitreous fluid that surrounds the lobes continues to flow in direction of the turn. If I sit still I'm fine.

The dream had me at an event where there were different games and I was winning (which I never do), but I kept on thinking I needed to feed the dogs. I don't have dogs in the waking world, and essentially these weren't my dogs in the dream either, I was just responsible for them. I always made a point of feeding Sammy (my beastly bird) first thing in the morning, and I remembered in the dream that I did that. Days were quick in the dream, and each day I would remind myself to feed the dogs. Even wondering at one point if they were even still alive considering how long it had been since I fed them.

The final game happened and I tied for first. It was this game where I had to roll a bocce sized ball on a U-shaped track with my left hand, catch it with my right and then shoot it over to my left and send it on the track again. The one who make the loop the most wins that bout. I was able to do it fifteen times before time was called, the guy I was competing with did the same. I wanted the big plastic bag of sea shells and plastic dinnerware and I gave him the trophy, it wasn't that important to me.

I found my family on the beach, walking with the two girls that were refereeing the game, they were heading in the same direction. They were doing this for college credit and were amazed that I wasn't a college student too, as if only college kids could play games or were supposed to play games, I don't know. We talked about the dogs and I realized, again, I hadn't fed them.

With the magic of dreams I was at the house I grew up in, the one place that I still think of as home, and I saw the dogs. One was my sisters deceased 16 year old Australian cattle dog and then my nephews Peke named Gratch. Though I recognized Gratch as Gratch it didn't look like his dog. It was completely shaved, including the mohawk, bigger and more brown than cream as his little pooch was and completely emaciated. Shaunzie, Sandy's dog wasn't as bad off. Joey was there, feeding Gratch, rubbing salt in my already wounded heart for neglecting these little animals. Not mean, but well intended berating of sorts. Gratch filled out after one bowl of table scraps and dog food, while Shaunzie really didn't need anything. Neither of the dogs wanted anything to do with me.

It startled me, because, even though I've been a neglectful pet owner in the past (like decades in the past when I was still a kid) I would never do anything like that, consciously starve an animal until I could see their ribs. I've had tug-o-minds with a dog that refused to eat cheap dog food, but I always made sure he ate. (he won by the way, he got the good stuff in the end. Cheeky beast.) That's why it stuck with me so long today, the neglect, the absent mindedness, it's just so not me these days when it comes to living creatures and humans.

Then it dawned on me....

The dogs aren't dogs, they are my creative projects. Clarissa Pinkola Estes talked about dreams in her "Women Who Run With Wolves" book. It's an excellent read if anyone is looking for a chance to see themselves differently and to get a little more comfortable in their own creative skin. Shaunzie represents the book that's finished. It could use a little more work on the end, but I'll wait for an editor to help me through it. It ended where it ended, and that's normally where I make my end, whether it makes sense or not. The starving, smaller one is Gratch. The work in progress. The characters haven't spoken to me in a long time, not since I wrote Purple People Eater and it's like they are always in the back of my mind that they need to be fed, but I never feed them because they won't have anything to do with me. I guess my subconscious is tired of having to do all the character-husbandry and wants me to kick in again and get back to the keyboard and edit the monster down to a more comfortable book. To put it on par with the dream, editing down to me is like wandering through a yard with a shovel to pick up the piles left behind by dogs. It's hard, smelly, dirty work. But it's got to get done. That's not saying my story is poo, I personally enjoy the characters when they fat and happily fed, it's just the work of weeding out the verbose from the sublime.

I guess it's time to let the dogs out......

Checking the OIL

2011-04-18T20:30:00.000-07:00

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage in our country. Well, there's a very simple reson. Nobody bothered the check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason is purely geographical. See, our OIL is located in: Alaska, California, Costal Louisiana, North Dakota, Costal Florida, Wyoming, Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas and Philadelphia. Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC.

Happy Aniversary.....Again

2011-04-17T21:00:00.000-07:00

Looking back over my blogs I found one that dated back to April 8, 2008, it said it had been two long years since I tried to get published. That was three years ago, which means it was five years ago that I began my quest for publication. I'm sorry to say that it has been mostly fruitless because of my lack of trying. Yes, the responses I've gotten so far have been positive 'no's, but they are still nos. I'm trying not to take it personally, but it's like having the ugliest baby in a baby contest. No matter how dog-like your baby, you expect it to win with distinction. So, tomorrow, come hell or high-water I will be finding a publisher and sending off my baby off for judgment. If time is going to fly, I'm going to soar under my own volition!!

Networking is as Networking Does

2011-04-15T14:00:00.000-07:00

I have been toying around with the idea of sticking my electronic hand out there and introducing myself to total strangers to assist in my job search as well as finding in-roads to getting published. I understand the idea of networking, I do, but it's never been a strong suit of mine. Making *friends* of people I've never met seems a little pushy but I'm receiving a welcome far beyond anything that I would have given in return (Says a lot about me, doesn't it). It's not that I'm rude, I try hard not to be, in public anyway, but I've always been more intro rather than extroverted and vain to think that people will want to seek me out instead of the other way around. No one is that good!

So, now I've got more friends on Facebook than I've ever had, I've got leads for associations that I've never known before and people that are willing to help a introverted writer become an extroverted author. I gotta say, than you to all my new friends and a bigger thank you for my friends that have always been there for me. Networking is a good thing.

PS, those in the Bay Area area, I am still looking for work if you know of anyone that needs and admin, office manager, event/tradeshow/project coordinator or a phlebotomist, please let me know. There is a fresh loaf of hame-made bread machine wheat bread in it for you.

Taking Flight into My Future

2010-03-14T17:07:00.000-07:00

Well, I finished my exam, and I have to say it was a transformative experience. I didn't expect that. I was thinking it was from a grub to a butterfly but that didn't seem to encompass my feeling completely. The grub (or pupa or worm...whatever you want to call its pre-flight stage) always knows that she is supposed to have wings one day. A dragonfly starts off as a nymph, a complete and whole as an underwater being skewering small fish, mosquito larva and anything else they can fit in their mouth. This state can last for a few years, and then one day, they drag their wet bodies out of the water and shed their skin and wings appear.

This is a whole new animal, well, insect. She can fly up to speeds of 30 miles per hour. With her four independent wings she can fly forward, side to side and even backwards. When I read that it clicked! That's what happened to me. I pulled myself out of the pond of self oppression, of chasing the wrong dreams, of allowing myself to just slide by with good-enough. I'm not that girl anymore. I'm flying! I can see clearly now, the pond is gone. I'm no longer in still stagnating water, but I have the dexterity to fly to chase my quarry; becoming an author. I still have work to do to become a fully fledged phlebotomist, but for now, I am quite content to just stretch my wings and fly.

Mammon Mammon Everywhere But Not A Thought To Think

2010-02-18T22:28:00.000-08:00

Okay, strange title I know. I'm in a strange kind of mood. I'm observing Lent for the first time ever. Parts of it, I'm regretting, like the exercise part, but I'm enjoying the 30 minutes of reading every day for pleasure. So, not the books I should be reading for school, not the books I should be reading for Church, not the books I should be reading when I exercise, a pleasure book. So I chose Paradise Lost by John Milton.

I know, you're thinking, what kind of pleasure reading is that? Patrick wasn't very helpful, he told me the ending....The Devil did it. Well duh. I'm not that dumb to not know that. I was however caught off guard in regards to Mammon. I always equated Mammon with Manna from heaven. Which is why the verse in Luke confused me...you can't serve God and Mammon. If you substitute manna with Mammon, you'd think like I do that you're turning your back on the physical gifts from God to serve Him. But serving him, even if it meant ignoring the blessings from Him was the path we were to take, so the path was correct, the intention behind it not as clear. So, it didn't make sense, turn your back on the blessings of Heavenly Father to serve Him in which you will gain more blessings to ignore. (The title should start making more sense to you now, hopefully).

Today I read....

"Mammon, the least erected Spirits that fell

From Heaven; for even in Heaven his looks and thoughts

Were always downward bent, admiring more

The riches of heaven's pavement, trodden gold,

Than aught divine or holy else enjoyed

In vision beautific"

Mammon isn't bread that falls in fluffy clumps from heaven but a demon, or a really ungrateful Spirit. But how often I find myself looking at the ground (figuratively) completely engrossed in the things that I don't have. I don't have a lot of money, I have too many things (but in my defence they all fit in my garage now). No, I don't have the shiny brand name uber-expensive cars, I wear my clothes until I pinch every last bit of value out of them, and I don't always have the rent in one place when I need it. But I am so blessed. Unlike Mammon I look up, I walk confidently towards my blessings and trials because by looking up I have my Father and His Son to guide me. To be hunched over, or downward bent, is to welcome more weight onto your shoulders and honestly, who wants to serve THAT? Not I. But it is EVERYWHERE you look. I'm not saying I don't have the odd flash of "Gee, I wish I could buy a new car." "Golly, I wish I could go out to eat at fancy bistros and restaurants," Or "Jimminee, why can't I win the lottery like those rednecks, I'd use it for good, I promise,". More often then not they are just fleeting thoughts and I move on.

Something else I know to be true is who you serve in the name of Heaven you become more heavenly and when you serve Mammon, you become more hunched, more downward bent, more hyper-focused on the pavement that you become trapped in Mammon's snare. When you look up, when you see the infinity that is the sky and space beyond, you see that nothing is impossible, nothing is more limitless than serving. So, yes you end up focused on the manna from Heaven when you learn to stop looking for pennies on the ground to appease Mammon.

My Marbles Moto To Live By

2010-02-09T22:18:00.000-08:00

I've not lost my marbles. Some of them may be cracked and not rolling around anymore, but I have all my marbles!

First Storm of The Year

2009-10-13T08:59:00.001-07:00

I am so grateful fall and winter are finally here! You would be too if you didn't have a working air conditioning unit in your car! It's un-freaking-believable to have the season nip at my nose and to come in dripping wet from rain instead of sweat. We are so abundantly blessed! Okay, maybe it's just me. The rain is playing havoc with Mom's arthritis, she doesn't want to come out from under the heating blanket.

I think of how desperately the Bay Area and parts south need the rain, and how lucky we are to have it. It seems though every blessing is a double edged sword. If too much rain falls in the fire ravaged areas then it will cause ashy mud slides, and in some towns where the elected people didn't keep their word, will be underwater if the storm is as ferocious as the weatherman promised. For now though, I'm not going to think of the mud, the ash or the floating towns. I'm just going to enjoy the sound of the rain as it dances on the pavement to the song of wind in the rose bushes outside my window.

Writers Block, Thy Name Is Jealousy

2009-04-20T16:14:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading The Host last night. I was too wiped from the Gartner Gala for Mom's 80th and about all I was good for was reading or sleeping. So, I read. I had been reading this on the treadmill at the gym, and it actually got me going to the gym for a while.

I love the book, but I also hate the book. I love it because it is a really good story, I hate it because it made me cry. I don't cry, as a general rule. It's too emotionally exhausting. So, I find other ways to express myself. I loved it because it had a happy ending, I hated it because it's made me feel like such a slouch with my writing. I can't get my family to read the book that I have written, how can I get strangers to read it. My friends like it, so that's somewhat consoling, but I still depend on my family for validation.

I know, I know, being jealous isn't a good thing to be, it's counter-productive, I'm not going to get anything really accomplished. I'm not going to be a Stephanie Meyer, I'm not going to be a Victor(ia) Hugo, or even a Jane Austen. We already have them, I just need to be me. But I want to make people cry, I want to publish a book that makes people sit and spend the whole day reading until they get to the end, just because they know they can't sleep unless they know the end. I want to be like that.

I'm whining, I know I'm whining. I need to go to the gym, I'm reading Harry Potter again, it's a simple book to read on the treadmill. Before The Host I read His Dark Materials by Phillip Pullman, which is the title of the trilogy of The Golden Compass, The Subtle Knife, and The Amber Spyglass. All very good books. None of them made me cry, none of them made me wish I was *that* good. I would like to have the imagination to create the world the Phillip Pullman created, I don't think I'm wired towards fantasy. Yes, The Host is fantasy but it's more of a psychological romance, sacrifice and so on.

One of the things that I really admire of Stephanie Meyers is her willingness to stick to standards in her stories. When I say "stick to standards" I mean the LDS standards that she lives. There is some language, but no F-bombs, no degrading behavior human towards human, even though they didn't like the alien, they didn't treat her well at first but some were willing to look past it and that's where the story really takes off. I need to be true to myself, and believe that I have talent, that I am a good writer that people will read me like I read others. At least have hope to faith until faith becomes knowledge......

Fear and Loathing in Silicon Valley

2009-04-09T16:56:00.000-07:00

First my desktop dies, then my car dies. I get my car out of the shop at a $700+ ransom and using my Internet-less laptop, and borrowing other laptops to get other things done beyond the walls of my temporary prison. Then, in a fit of rushed anxiety the housing of my thumb drive came off. One would think it wouldn't be too bad of a mishap, in light of my computer being down, my car being broken, oh, and did I mention I was running late to my appointment with the Cannery so I could fulfill my calling as home storage guru for the ward? But that one particular thumb drive had my current working document of my novel "Hearts of the Mothers". I had just concluded I had over 2/3rds finished. I tried to quickly save it to my laptop desktop but it wouldn't and it completely killed the application. The only soft copy that I had was the twenty six pages I started with in January. It would be okay if I hadn't written over 300 pages since then. I was dying inside.

I refused to curl up on the floor in a fetal position and give up though. I tried to put the housing back on but that didn't work, and I also knew that handling the actual components of the drive I ran the risk of sending some sort of static shock to them so I plugged it back into the laptop I was using and then my 4 gig thumb drive I've been meaning to update everything to and quickly moved all the files over. But when I tried to call the file up the computer wouldn't work. Even without the knowledge that my work was saved I went to the cannery, printed up my backup work there and then came home and took a sleeping pill and prayed that all will be well.

All is well. I was able to pull the actual 321 page document up and save it to my desktop on my laptop, saved it to the desktop of my sisters laptop and I will save it to this desktop of Patrick's laptop. I'm never EVER going to loose that much work again. I can't say that I hate computers, I think I hate more my dependency on them.

The C Word & The S Word

2008-12-09T16:35:00.000-08:00

Cancer. That's all the doctor has to mention and it sends me into a tailspin. Yes, they always err on the side of fatal illnesses so anything else you have feels like a blessing, but it's still disconcerting none the less. No, I don't have cancer....she believes....but she still wants to talk to the oncologist about my case and then check back around with me on Friday. I knew I didn't have it when they biopsied me back in February, but the very idea that they were testing me for it was enough of a loop that it took me some time to recover from it. So, over the last six months when I've had these suspicious symptoms, I never once thought about it. Then when we chatted last week, well, she brought it up again. I know my body, I know that I shut down on a few levels when I'm under stress, and this has happened before. But she didn't have to say cancer. I guess she did, it's her job. I guess what I'm worried about is this being a wish fulfillment kind of thing back when I thought having cancer would be a noble way to die since suicide isn't an option in my belief schema. I don't want that any more, I haven't for a long time. But I still worry whenever someone says the word. Fearing that wishes never die, they just hang out in a nebulous space in our lives waiting for the most opportune moment to blossom into fruition.

Sterilization. I knew that's what was going to happen when I had a hysterectomy, honestly, I knew it. But I've never heard it out loud. Again, I know my doctor is doing her job, she is very good at her job, but the idea that I'll be sterilized brings to mind the idea of eugenics and how the lesser of society was "sterilized" to be sure that they don't bring forth more idiots or morons or whatever the classification for society's excuse for this autrocity. Plus it makes it sound so irreversibly final. I know it's final, I truly am not an idiot or a moron, but I still preferred to sugar coat it for myself. Again, knocked for another loop. I feel like I'm in one of they gyroscope rides trying to stay calm enough to get off before another push sends me spinning again.

I haven't talked to anyone about either of these words. Because, right now, they are just words. My journal would be the best place to explore these concepts but I haven't found the time, the space or the energy to do that. I don't really have the time to do it with being on call 24/7 with my Mom. Even though she doesn't need it any more, she still "requires" it. I just needed to get it out of my head and somewhere and this seemed to be the best place for me to do that. If this doesn't work I'll have to pull out the big guns, only I might just end up shooting myself in the foot. Sigh.

The Price of Blessings

2008-06-23T09:37:00.000-07:00

View all problems as challenges. Look upon negativities that arise as opportunities to learn and to grow. Don't run from them, condemn yourself, or bury your burden in saintly silence. You have a problem? Great. More grist for the mill. Rejoice, dive in, and investigate.

-Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Mindfulness in Plain English"

Very appropriate that it came today. The challenges to me normally come in mechanical packages. I went to the opera on Saturday in the City (That is San Francisco for those who aren't in the know), it's about 50 miles from home. I kept Lulu (my car) at a brisk 75mph all the way there and got through the basic streets towards Portola and Laguna Honda just fine. I started to climb Pacheco to get to 9th. street and there was a major hesitation in the car before it lurched forward into motion. I came to the next stop sign and I figured it was just a bad press on the accelerator on my part, but it happened again, and again I figured I was at fault. I always presume it's a PEBCAK* (Not the same for a car, but the premise is valid) so I tried it again. And again I had problems. Carol, my friend, lives on one of the steepest hills I've ever seen. Not one of the steepest hills in the City, but too steep to walk unless you want a coronary. So parking requires that you pull up to the curb, back up and curb your tires. Even with the emergency break on I wasn't able to control or hold my position on the hill well enough to maneuver into position. So, I backed out of it, using gravity and then went down the street thinking it would be easier to park on the flat of 10th instead of the hill of Ortega...but true to form, there wasn't any parking on the flats. So, I pulled up the hill again, trying to be as close to the curb as possible so I could curb my wheels and just turned her off and went to the opera.

The opera was FANTASTIC. Beautiful, lush, brilliant, everything that I had hoped and wanted in an opera. It almost made me forget about the looming problem ahead of me. Driving home. Well, don't fret, I didn't drive. I stayed over at Carol's and worked at finding a place that had a diagnostic department open on Sunday and had the techs on staff to do the work. Well, I found one....IN PLEASANT HILL. Which meant a $180 towing bill. Well, they couldn't diagnose it until Monday (today) but I was pretty sure it was the belts. To my knowledge they haven't been changed during the whole life of the car....162,000+ miles. It seemed about due.

Carol was kind enough to drive me home after Church. And I arranged with PJ to take me to work this morning and Isis to take me to Pleasant Hill tonight to pick up my car....which is all moot now because, well, it won't be ready tonight. It would be good if I can pick it up tomorrow.

Well, the good news is it's not the engine. The engine diagnostic came back fine. The bad news is, and you know there's always bad news when someone starts the sentence with good news...the transmission is shot. It's shot to the tune of $1,528. You know, horses don't cost that much and when they break, you can shoot them. I can't complain, I really can't. Like I said, I've got over 162,000 miles on her and I've only had her 10 years....you do the math. I can be assured with the new water pump (put on at the beginning of the year), the new (yet used) transmission, and the new tires (put on at the beginning of the year) I should be set with her for the next few years or so which is when I intend on putting the rest of the miles on her so I can trade her in for a hybrid of some sort. I'm hoping by that time competition will have driven the prices down.

But like the quote above says, look at challenges as opportunities. It's an opportunity to insure my safety, it's an opportunity to keep my car for as long as I want to/need to until it's time to upgrade to a more ecologically friendly model. And it has taught me to stop trying to think of ways to comfortably get out of going to church because if you look hard enough, Heavenly Father will provide you a way. I'm blessed that this didn't happen while I was trucking along at 75mph, or while I was at the top of a hill with someone behind or worse, with a person behind me. I could have hurt myself or worse, someone else. I am truly blessed, even with a $1500 price tag.

*PEBCAK: Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard

The Middle

2008-04-16T08:35:00.000-07:00

Take heed that when effort is too strenuous

it leads to strain

and when too slack

to laziness.

So make a firm determination

that you will adopt the middle way,

not allowing yourself

to struggle or to slacken,

but recognizing that

faith,

energy,

mindfulness,

concentration,

and wisdom

are the fruits of a calm and equable way.

-Theragatha

Happy Anaversary

2008-04-08T16:00:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's been two full years since I've started this blog. AND I'M STILL NOT PUBLISHED. It's made the rounds to four other publishers and it's resting comfortably (I hope) at Cedar Fort. I need to be more, hummmm, active here.

I know it's been a while. I'll play catchup later. It's time to go home, and I want to go home, I just wanted to mark this occasion so it didn't slip away into obscurity. I guess this is proof that time flies even when you're not having fun.

My Axiom of the Day

2007-10-11T12:39:00.000-07:00

I would rather stumble and even fall under the weight of my own dreams than excell in the pursuit of someone elses.

Me.

Dancing with the Devil in the Pale Halogen Lights

2007-10-08T15:05:00.000-07:00

At what point in the job search process does the art of selling yourself becomes the tantalizing tango of selling your soul?

What you say/What you think
Yes, I can do that/Why would I want to

Yes, I can work weekends./But I won't

Yes, I can fax, copy, collate, staple and Fed-Ex that/Do you want Fries with that?

No, I don't mind multi-tasking/Idiot

Yes, I can get you more coffee/F***ing Idiot

Please, I don't have enough to do./Someone shoot me, please. Just shoot me.

You'd think by this stage in my life with as many bouts with unemployment as I've endured I would have the whole interviewing for a job that I want, can do, and am willing to do down pat. Maybe I'm jaded, I think I shouldn't *have* to go through all this because I'm just that good. No, really I am. But how do you sell yourself without selling your soul.

It comes down to I have to work, I need to keep a roof over my head until I get published well enough to support myself as a writer. But if you tell people without a sense of humor (and believe me we that have are acutely aware of how the majority of the world doesn't have) they seem to think that your loyalty to your passion will somehow diminish your effort to their proletarian goals for the company. They think they have a life outside of their job, but when they boast about the hours they've put in instead of the sunset they missed the night before, or how many presentations they were able to crank out instead of the blossoms in their garden then they really have no concept of the whole passion thing and they will never understand or accept anything less from their overworked and underpaid minions. I don't want to sellmy soul for an hourly wage, yet I have to keep pace with the world in order to support my passions. My biggest fear is that I will eventually slip on this razors edge and eventually be consumed again by the hemoglobin dependant task masters in the corporate hells we sell ourselves to.

(Sorry, no visual to express myself today. I googled "Faustian contract" and "selling my soul to the devil" and all I got were images of Eva Mendez, Nicole Richie and Mickey Mouse. I have NO idea what that means other than it looks like Mickey has won market share in hell.)

On Death

2007-10-02T14:33:00.000-07:00

Christ taught that we should be a light unto the world, the Dalai Lama has finished the thought as to why....

When you die you go alone, and the only light to accompany you derives from the spiritual practice or positive acts you have done. -The Dalai Lama

My Own Mythology

2007-10-01T11:01:00.000-07:00

This weekend on NPR (PRI) on This American Life there was the history of a father with a directionless rudder allowing him to become whatever the tides of society dictated for that decade. It got me thinking about my mom and my life. I realized on some level the narrator and I shared a lot of the same experiences, only hers were more violent and damaging in ways than mine. Where her father lived in Movies like Ice Storm my mom lived in ones like Gone With The Wind and Donna Reed.

As easy as it is to always cram Mom into molds and say things like above, the truth of the matter is I live in my own Mythology. I guess we all to do some extent. I believe that I am a writer of worth yet with nothing published to make this myth reality. I believe that I am cultured and refined because I love opera when in reality I still cling to the morass of images displayed on the proletariat driven television. The list goes on and on I just don't want to bring all my faults into the light.

I have always wanted to be more than I am and in the past the simple desire has been enough to sustain me. Now that I'm reaching for the more authentic in life I find myself discontent on the mere morsels that mythology has to offer. I'm starved for the sustenance of the here and the now. Maybe that's what college was supposed to teach me but I was too disconnected with my desperate attempt to hold onto the mythology that I never allowed myself to grow. Now that I'm reaching forward, looking forward, living forward I find it difficult to feel my footing under me, to trust in the unseen hand of fate and faith.

I'm trapped in the netherworld between myth and authenticity. I guess my only recourse is to keep my eyes towards the light as I try to leave the world of shadows and hope to find myself, for the first time, on solid ground living the life I've always dreamed.

Look at this when your grumpy.

2007-09-28T13:02:00.000-07:00

How can you look at this and not go AAaaaawwwww.

More Quotes

2007-09-27T13:56:00.000-07:00

As promised over a year ago, here are more of my favorite quotes....

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

If you think Genealogy is supposed to be fun you've either never had fun or never done Genealogy.

Carol Haws

Family History Class

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

To come together is a beginning, to stay together is progress and to work together is success.

Henry Ford quoted by

KC Wu, Cisco Systems

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Enlightenment - That magnificent escape from anguish and ignorance - never happens by accident. It results from the brave and sometimes lonely battle of one person against his/her own weakness.

Bhikkhm Nyanasobhano

Landscapes of Wonder

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Worldliness is next to Ungodliness.

Cameron Shaw

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The soft bigotry of high expectations

Doonesbury

9/21/07

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

More of an original word pairing than a quote...saving it for the moment of greatest impact....

Sphincter fatigue.

Rules To Live By

2007-09-27T11:23:00.001-07:00

Be thankful for what you have

Pray for what you need

and

Work as if you've recieved the answer

Nothing says it better than a cupcake!

2007-06-19T16:14:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling like a cupcake lately. Too small to do anything impressive, confined by one-time-use ruffled paper and thoroughly baked . Cupcake reality: no matter how pretty the cupcake, it's still just a cupcake.

That Wacky President of Ours

2007-05-24T08:51:00.000-07:00

It's good to see that the POTUS is making use of the "Word of the Day" desk calendar Laura gave him for Christmas. Listening to his press conference this morning I heard him use several polysyllabic words without breaking a sweat.

What was fascinating to me were the phrase-pauses he took so the people with the approved Dick-isms can whisper them into his ear. I'm sure any deviation from the scrip will result in a reduction of cookies for snack and an hour more of afternoon nap time.

3 August 2006 & Counting - Fin

2007-04-24T09:09:00.000-07:00

Not counting any more. In fact, I'm back in the dating game, so to speak. I hate the dating game. You have to gear up for the "big sale" only the sale can last upwards of eight tiring months of waiting for the big fish to bite. In this case, they bit me in the ass. I know the picture doesn't make much sense to the rant, but it's one of mine and I thought I'd share.

It's not that the whole rejection letter was bad, it was actually quite positive and complimentary, but to say it was a positive rejection letter is a really bad oxymoron. They said their reviewers gave it an "excellent" rating, and that I really got into the minds of what it was like to be a missionary. Their only criticism was my ending which didn't end the way they had hoped. I don't know what they were expecting, they are missionaries after all, it's not like they can have a kegger or something. I talked to my editor about it and she said I shouldn't change it unless it was something I was going to change in the first place, which I wasn't. It ended where it wanted to end, how can I change that? Everyone had learned the lesson they were supposed to learn and had applied it while they were there...so my question is, where do you take story from there.

I'm now in the process of trying to pick another publisher to send it to. I have the deadline for it to be in the mail of May 1, 2007. I'm going to give them about six months to consider it before I send it out to the next one and then just make it a habit of sending it out every six months. I don't want to have to wait for eight months to find out that they aren't going to take it. I could have had it on the desk of another publishing house for two moths had I initiated this policy before. I guess you live and learn. I think I've narrowed it down to a publisher that published a fictional story about the MTC, at least I think it's fictional. Maybe they'll be interested in adding to their missionary library....we'll see. Time will tell.

No Pressure

2007-04-19T12:25:00.000-07:00

It is not sufficient for religious people to be involved with prayer. Rather, they are morally obliged to contribute all they can to solving the world’s problems.

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

An Evening Quote

2006-11-27T01:16:00.000-08:00

"He's one of those crazy liberal democrats that secretly is a closeted republican."

Denny Crane, Boston Legal

I laughed at first until the question echoed back...."is this me?"

Ex-Lax for Writers Block

2006-11-17T17:01:00.000-08:00

I'm not writing much these days. Well, I'm blogging, but I really don't consider blogging as *writing*. It's more like a stream of consciousness thing where I can talk and express myself, chipping away at the boulder in front of me. There is this story that my mind to comfort me during this time...it goes something like this....

A man was told by God to push on a rock, and as an obedient servant of his Lord he got up each morning and began to push on the boulder with no success in moving it. Undeterred he did this every day for years. Years turned into decades and finally after the man had filled out, his arms and back rippled with muscles and his legs we like unmovable tree-trunks. In frustration he knelt down and prayed "Why? Why have you asked me to do this impossible task. I can't move this rock." The Lord, answered his obedient servant in loving dulcet tones. "Dear child, I told you to push on the rock, not to move it. Look at yourself. You are strong and you are determined. Now you are ready for that which I have prepared for you to do."

Only I know that this writers block isn't a huge trial before me and I'm tired of blogging in hopes to chip away at the mass to either find a vein of weakness and destroy it or chip away at it to be able to pass it. However, my favorite chisel and hammer are gone - Money. I don't *need* money to write, in fact, that's one of the things that I truly love about it, I can write with out any electricity at all. But the ability to buy research materials, to go to restaurants that provide the food that I'm writing about or just to do something that broadens the senses and quickens the mind is what money provides at a time like this.

106 Days and counting.....I think this is the stress that the block is made of. I'm worried that the fiction isn't strong enough to be believable, that the spell I wove with the words isn't strong enough to bind the reader to the page. Which stress bleeds over to the present project...what if I'm not making a cohesive tapestry and it's just a farce that I'm acting out to my own humiliation. I'm going to try and lull myself into a safe state of denial and try to believe that it takes publishers 150 days to read a manuscript and then, after that day, I can start to worry. That puts my fretting off until December 21, 2006. I think, no matter what my finances are, I should have a celebration. That is if I haven't heard back yet.

3 August 2006 & Counting......

2006-11-12T15:43:00.000-08:00

Okay, I know it takes a long time for people to read a manuscript, and I know the longer it takes for the publishing house to review it the better it is for me....well as a writer any way. I'm frazzled....I anxiously peer over a half a block when I'm driving home hoping to not see a box on my door step, my heart races every time I see the Fed-Ex truck pull up in front of our town-house when no one is expecting anything only to have my heart sink to my colon when he is just checking his route in front of our house before he goes onto the true recipient of his delivery.

I'm not whining per se.... well, yes I am. But I've been very lucky in this process so far. The first time I sent out House of Dragons I got a six week turn around and a "Thanks but no thanks" standard letter. Well, not even a standard letter. It looked like it had been written by the high school age temp-receptionist with aspirations in engineering. But that's fine. I sent it to Desert Books thinking that out of loyalty I should sent it to the church's official book publisher before I started to farm it out to other people. So, I polished up my tarnished hopes and sent it out to Covenant. They just wanted three chapters and would call me if I tickled their fancy further. And, in this case I did. I got an e-mail request for the remainder of the manuscript. However, in about six weeks after that I got the three chapters I had originally sent them back. I think they might be a little too conservative for what I wrote. Or, they just don't have the bandwidth and or need for young adult fiction. It took a few weeks to pull my courage up to send it out again.

This time, you'd think I'd feel more hopeful. I mean, common, on my second try I got passed the first and second gates of readers. But I'm more stressed than ever. Maybe being unemployed has something to do with it, I dunno. All I know is I want to know NOW. Granted, it's only been slightly over three months since they had it. The note they sent me that said they would be reviewing it said manuscripts take considerably longer than their music and art submissions (which take up to 6 weeks), but this is twice that. Either it's going through the ranks, which is a good thing, or the initial reader is tripping over his lips as he reads.

I have been praying that they are going to take it, but if they don't, then I have another publisher all picked out to send it to. They have an established young adult line of books posted on their website, so I could only assume this is an area in which they want to expand. Unless their young adult fiction isn't as profitable as they would like it.

You know the joke/prayer "God grant me patience, RIGHT NOW!" and the axiom, I can wait for anything as long as it happens right now....that's what I feel like. My editor (God bless her!) assures me I have a marketable product. I just need to keep sending it out until someone accepts it. In the mean time I need to work on The Song of the Righteous (working title) is ready to go shortly so I can have two out there.... Hopefully increasing my odds.

Be the change you want to see in the world...

2006-11-11T00:27:00.000-08:00

I just finished my sisters penultimate paper for her MBA degree with UofP. It is based on Stephen R. Covey's Principle-Centered Leadership and I thought I'd share it with you. The notation of the book isn't in the ABA style they require and, as she put it, there are some run-on sentences, which isn't bad for a first draft for me. I just love the metaphor I used to weave the information through to create a complete vision. My final statement feels more like a personal mission statement after reading the book. A book which I highly recommend.

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Ask any person in your organization who they truly think the center of the universe is, and they will tell you they consider themselves to be its center. TheyÂre right! To bring into harmony all these stellar bodies into harmony, one must look to the stars to gain guidance. Copernicus said in his book Derevolutionizeu Orbium Caolestium the following; "To ascribe movement to the earth must seem absurd to those who for centuries have consented that the earth is placed immovably as the central point of the universe. But I shrink not from any manÂs criticism. By long and frequent observations and by following a set of fixed principles, I have discovered not only that the earth moves but also that the orders and magnitudes of all the stars an spheres, nay, the heavens themselves, are so bound together that nothing in any part thereof could be moved from itÂs place without producing confusion in all the parts of the Universe as a whole." What Copernicus sought and achieved in science Steven R. Covey seeks to achieve in his highly effective Principle-Centered Leadership for managerial leadership. Through is "true north", "inside-out" approaches he is making the leap that the problem in the organization isnÂt with ÂthemÂ but with ÂusÂ and in order to bridge the gap between theory and practice we must discard the outdated and useless maps of the past, start at the top of the organization re-aligning values to basic and true principles starting from the inside of each individual in the management team and then working outward. Then, when the big bang of a paradigm shift happens all members of the organization will dance in harmony like the celestial bodies Â even down to the PlutoÂs of the group Â and your organization will be ready, willing and able to chart new courses and follow new and exciting horizons into the future.

Covey has proposed that instead of having a value driven organization which can range from the basic "Carrot-and-Stick" approach of managing employees and customers to out and out intimidation tactics for production and control will work for a short period of time with, at times, devastation consequences on the organization, employees and customers. By shifting our organizational centers (see fig. 1) from flawed values such as profit, supplier, employee, owner, customer, program, policy, competition, image and technology, principles that develop security, guidance power and wisdom we un-moor the potential in ourselves as well as our group and organizations.

Figure 1. (pg. 24)

Covey is fond of his "Six Days of Creation" (pg. 79) concept where just as the world was created in six days, each day needing completion before the next could be started, so are we on an emotional maturation process. Just as you canÂt have oceans before you have land, you canÂt expect to achieve emotional maturity without going through each of these steps more completely explained in his renowned book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. He makes five simple suggestions to put us squarely on the path for emotional maturity, propelling us from whatever "Day" weÂre at into the continuum of where we need to be to start garnering the traction needed to make the shift necessary for success. "If we will do the following five things, we will have the strength to be strong in hard moments, in testing time.

* Never make a promise we will not keep

* Make meaningful promises, resolution, and commitments to do better and to be better Â and share these with a loved one.

* Use self-knowledge and be very selective about the promises we make

* Consider promises as a measure of our integrity and faith in ourselves

* Remember that our personal integrity or self-mastery is the basis for our success with others." (pg. 77)

It shouldnÂt be surprising then that the first section of the book is dedicated to the readers and how he can change his behaviors and re-aligning ourselves to the basic principles. His statement on these principles are; "Natural laws, principles, operate regardless. So get these principles at the center of your life, at the center of your relationships, at the center of your management contracts, at the center of your entire organization" (Pg. 17) Pay close attention to the order in which he lays these out for the reader 1) life 2) relationships 3) work 4) organization. You canÂt create a principle centered organization without becoming and staying a principle centered person and practice principle centric values in your life. His axiom on the cover of the book "Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and feed him for a lifetime." Other urban philosophers have expanded on this notion to, "ÂTeach a man to fish and feed him for a lifetime, unless he doesnÂt like sushi, then youÂll have to teach him how to cook. (Auren Hoffman, Herald Philosopher). Even better is "ÂTeach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetime. Teach a man to sell fish and he eats steak." (Author unknown). But no matter how you bate the hook, you have to know how to catch fish on your own before you can hope to teach others. Some arenÂt going to like it and you will have to teach them how to cook it until itÂs palatable and some will run with the concepts and eat steak the rest of their lives, to extend the metaphor even further some will reject it all together because they are not ready for this next step in business or their lives and you will need to cut bait and run. This brings us to the first principle in CoveyÂs thesis. Through use of natural governing principles that we have all grown up with in life such as practice what you preach and donÂt preach as practice, do unto others as you would have them do unto you not do unto others before they do unto you as the hallmarks of most, if not all moderate Judeo/Christian, Islamic and Buddhist sects. Honesty, fairness, integrity and having an "abundance mentality" (pg. 40) but most importantly realizing these changes need to come from the "inside-out", are the guideposts that help us navigate the possibly lethal mistakes of the past.

With all things in life, one must start with the first things first. John Adams, our second president of the United States was fond of saying, "There are only two people of worth in the world. Those that have commitment and those that require the commitment of others." Dictionary.com defines commitment as: 1) the act of committing. 2) the state of being committed. 3) the act of committing, pledging, or engaging oneself. 4) a pledge or promise obligation. 5) engagement; involvement. 6) perpetration or commission, as of a crime. 7) consignment, as to prison. 8) confinement to a mental institution or hospital. The first three definitions are commitments centered on correct principles and the last five could be the consequences of not being thusly committed. To gain a commitment from a loved one, friend, co-worker, peer or boss one must first prove themselves capable of making and keeping commitments. As you build your capacity for commitment your cache of trustworthiness will increase. Building and keeping trust among people is essential to healthy and lasting relationships in life and in business. Personal integrity is paramount to human development and positive growth. Rogue stars in history has shown us that people with great commitment centered on unnatural principles have done great things with devastating consequences. Hitler was able to unify a disjointed Germany only to have the repercussions rippled through history and the pain and agony he unleashed is still felt today. Kidder Peabody imploded after 100 years of business due to a paradigm built around employee bonuses and when a rogue broker took advantage of it through bond price manipulation. Correct principles are the endowments of empowerment, the fish, and once we have them we can teach other, if by example alone, how to launch themselves into a greater understanding and a greater fulfillment in their personal and business lives.

In our solar system all the planetary masses and their sub-masses revolve around the sun, so it is in an organization. The problem with introducing this new paradigm into the workforce and not have it treated like the other programs that have flown through the organization like bright and shiny comets. Your staff has worked hard in the past to learn the new-and-improved vocabulary, push the philosophies like intrusive salesmen, even in the extreme create a cult around nothing more then a quick-fix or band-aide for a chronically acute unnatural principles. In the end these comets leave no more effect on the gravitational entropy in the organization than a comet does. The twinkling dust in their wake settled into files and aphorisms that end up being bandied around in a cynical game of verbal hacky-sack by your ever diligent but uninspired employees. Changing an organization to principle centricity isnÂt a fly-by-night concept and usually requires an assiduous application of patience and understanding. However, once the management team has successfully changed their direction, the organizational entropy well stem and then stop. Start with the mission statement. Norman Vincent Peal wrote "Change your thoughts and you will change your world." Such with the mission statement, it is the agar in which the Oranizations culture is grown. Once the organization as a whole has an idea of the newly charted course, it is a well prepared field to institute the following guides to help with the cultivation of a principled centered organization. "Security" (pg. 57) for employees through a set of procedures and practices, is the foundation on which to start. Next is "guidance" (pg. 57) by both example and through a compass aligned to the "true north" (pg. 92) principles. All this taught through the auspice of an "abundance mentality" will endow each employee with confidence and empower them to act as an individuals and as an invaluable part of the team naturally quashing any rivalries that might have existed under the old paradigm. Then finally, when these principles are at the core of the driving fore will the true adventure of problem solving through the universe of commerce and the synergism of personal and professional fulfillment of everyone on board will be the fuel that moves the organization to seek out new life and new opportunities. To put it simply, a mission statement for change if you will, commit to be the change you want to see in the world.

Why does it always happen....

2006-11-01T00:59:00.000-08:00

The democrats are finally starting to find themselves in a comfortable lead until one or more of them have to open their mouths in an attempt at humor or a statement of fact and throw everything that has been earned into the toilet and ALWAYS days before people go to the poles? Common, Sen. Kerry, did you have to share that joke on TV? I get the joke, I understand where you are going with the inference but you don't EVER pick on the military in a time of war.

If I might admonish the Democrats to remember one thing until the end of the mid-term elections is to shut up and take a page from the Republican playbook (or rather buzz word book) STAY THE COURSE.

Chess As It Applies To Life

2006-10-23T23:44:00.000-07:00

I have come to realize in my travels on this earth that life is a lot like a game of chess. Yes, you can play it like you would a game of checkers, and your outcome would be the same as if you'd played a game of checkers. However, I don't think the person that treats life like checkers is too unhappy or to surprised when life kicks the crap out of them. But in life, as with all things, if you take the time to think even a few moves a head, trying to bate fate into doing your bidding, life takes on a whole new intensity that makes even the mundane pawns embrace a unique and tantalizing dimension all their own.

This analogy/simile/metaphor came to me when I was trying to figure out my mom and trying to see her life through her eyes without anger, without frustration, without the general feelings of being manipulated so completely by her. Yes, the old feelings that keep me from moving my pieces on the board of life in a more energetic fashion. Part of this also happened because of a game of chess my nephew challenged me to the night before I wrote the enlightening journal entry. I watched as he used his pieces and made bold, sweeping moves over the whole board. Very brave, very ambitious and very much who the man he has become. And then I looked at my side of the board. My king and queen were carefully guarded by a rook, a bishop and a host of pawns, only moving when absolutely having no other option. I lost, mostly because I have too hard of a time to disengage my brain from the now and from the mire of the past to focus on the move I'm making, let alone try and figure out the next three or four moves in advance. But I feel knowing this about myself is a piece on the board of life and I am learning to use it as a tool.

How does this impromptu game with the boy work into what I was talking about before and how does my mother play into it? Simple, we are all playing chess, only not against each other or fate, but with Life. We are each in our own game, and no one can play on someone else's board. We can combine forces at times and seek out help for our moves, but ultimately, the choice to move, to capture or to sacrifice a piece is sole our own. It is a game we are going to lose, no one gets out of this life alive. Mom, to me, is a woman that has few pieces left on the board of life. A few pawns and her king. She's within two moves of getting one of her remaining pawns to Life's side of the board to liberate her Queen or Rook, but Life keeps her in check. She keeps trying to out maneuver his pieces, but with the ability to move only one square in any direction, only to be put in check on his next move frustrates her and stymies her, but she doesn't declare defeat and lay down her king. Life on the other hand still has almost all of his pieces in play and has a sweeping vista of the board, any plan made by her is perceived and countered several moves in advance, though with the stealth of a jaguar so she doesn't know she has been thwarted until it's too late. Though she has sacrifices a lot of her men in the cause of her children, expecting to have them charge in and not only save her but rebuild her army with their own, but like I said before, we can't play another persons game. Her gambits are too easily spotted and, when offered unsolicited, go unused when offered in order to protect our game.

It is a sad, sad place to be in at her age and I feel a sence of meloncholy for her situation at times. But I, like her, are powerless to do anything about it and strangely enough, that is comforting. This new vision of Life and her role with it has helped me understand her better. Though I can't add pieces to her board to ameliorate the pain and frustration of always being put into check, I don't fee guilty because she doesn't have the pieces on the board any more, nor do I allow her to make me feel like I owe her something because of it. I never asked her to cash in her retirement any more than my sisters asked her or required her to cash in her retirement in order to support them or give them what she thought she wanted them to give her in return. Reciprocity isn't a one to one, dollar for dollar commitment on this temporal plane. (I know it would be nice if it was, but it's not.) I do what I can, the sisters do what they can, but it will never replace the men she sacrificed, it will never give her the full range of the board again. She doesn't have the pieces to plot behind so now when I see that she has finally caught on to the multi move gambit it is just behind her eyes, visible for the world to see, and frustrating for her daughters who sees it and have always been powerless to stop her maniputlations in the past. Now, I don't see them as manipulations, per se, I see them as the desperate attempts of a woman trying to regain control of a board she hasn't seen from corner to corner in several decades. And my heart cries for her.

Age Classifications

2006-10-13T23:58:00.000-07:00

After many years of human observation, I have concluded that there are new classifications for age beyond the numbers.

Ages 10-20 (More actually 16-20) - Hip
Ages 21-30 - Cool
Ages 31-40 - Retro
Ages 41-50 - Vintage
Ages 51-60 - Antique
Ages 61+ - Relic.

Someone who is hip is on the bleeding edge of now. Not only do they converse in their own improvised language, their sense of style is uniquely theirs. Even if they copy their style from someone else, it will be another cool hipster in their age group.

Cool is just that. You've claimed a stake in a transitory world. You sit back and enjoy the Retro's eyeing you with envy and the Hipsters consider you traders to the ethos you once clung to.

Retro is more of a reactionary age. You have the pressure of being an "adult" (whatever your definition is for that term), you are stifled in your job and you are continually looking back to your Hip and/or Cool days longing for those expansive moments in the sun where they one monthly payments you really had to worry about were your car, rent and your CD club membership.

By the time you reach your Vintage years, you are more secure with yourself. You have a handle on where you are and more importantly, where you want to be in the coming years. You have fully blossomed into a rich bodied soul that you could never have fathomed in your Hipster or Cooler years.

Antique doesn't mean broken down or unusable. At least not in the general sense. You might get pushed out of younger crowds because of your penchant for imparting your wisdom on unwilling ears, hearts and minds. Like most antiques, you aren't really used for that much any more, at least not until you are found by the right collector and then you find yourself truly being appreciated

Relic is a time where people seek you out to hear your wisdom because you have proven to them that you can still be cooly hip with the retro lingo and the vintage glow. You have come full circle and you can see from your vantage point that what effects the hipsters, the cool ones, the retros, vintage and antiques is the same, just the names have changed.

Yosemite Memories I

2006-10-09T23:35:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favorite pictures that I took when I had a break and went to Yosemite...ALL BY MYSELF. It was glorious. I got to watch TV when I wanted to, I ate what I wanted to, and surprisingly enough, it was actually good-for-you food. Mostly just meat and frozen veggies. (The fresh ones freak me, it's like I can hear them cry out in pain when I cook them.....Not really)...But I digress.

I took a tour with one of those bus tours and this is one of the places we went. I'm sure it's one of those pictures that every tourist has in their album, but I think mines special. It was at the beginning of April, a time when I thought it would be rather clear, and according to the weather, it was supposed to be, but instead it snowed. For those of you who don't know me, I have been in the snow maybe three times before this picture, and never when it was actually snowing. That is the freakiest thing I had ever seen. I bought a special hat to wear so I wouldn't get sunburned on this trip, instead the brim worked as a snow catcher and the cute festive cherries on the ribbon ended up with their own little hillocks of snow on their cheery red sheen. I think this picture really shows that. It shows the water running, the green of the trees with the snow heavily sprinkled with confectioners sugar. The bare tree, it's fingers stretching in the spring is starting to show it's green finery for the coming Spring. In the background, if you look closely you'll see the stone masonry work of the footbridge, adding just a touch more of texture to the picture. At first blush you might miss it because it's obviously made from local and natural materials, but it just sort of sets off the picture. Well, in my humble opinion.

A Moment of Perfect Silence

2006-10-05T09:20:00.000-07:00

In the midst of all the hate, destruction and profound confusion a community mourns. Ever weary of the public eye on their private life they strive to keep to their standards, which includes inviting the family of the man that killed their five young girls to be with the families as they all mourn their collective loss. What an example to the people of the world about healing, about hating and about true Christlike love. Though their bucolic lifestyle might never be the same after this tragedy, they've done everything they can to show that even in the maelstrom of bullets and TV cameras, love truly can be the best weapon of choice.

Hope in Hell

2006-10-04T12:57:00.000-07:00

Our purer essence then will overcome

Thir noxious vapour, or enur'd not feel,

Or chang'd at length, and to the place conformd

In temper and in nature, will receive

Familiar the fierce heat, and void of pain;

This horror will grow milde, this darkness light,

Besides what hope the never-ending flight

Of future days may bring, what chance, what change

Worth waiting, since our present lot appeers

For happy though but ill, for ill not worst,

If we procure not to our selves more woe.

John Milton

Paradise Lost

Gentle Mental Musings

2006-10-03T14:41:00.000-07:00

Thoughts for the day

..........if at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you

......"deja moo" is the feeling that you have heard this bull before

......the trouble with doing something right the first time is no one appreciates how difficult it was

......money can't buy happiness but it makes misery easier to live with

......they say one out of four people is mentally ill. Take a look at three friends and if they're ok, you're it

......the two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

2006-10-02T11:36:00.000-07:00

I just love this picture. Little Fairy penguins are dressed in hand knitted sweaters to wait while their body's start to produce the oil necessary to keep them warm. This only happens after a large oil spill and they are cleaned, truly, within an inch of their life. Since the rescuers have to use an oil stripping detergent to get the oil off them they loose the natural ability to keep themselves warm. Some concerned citizen got a bunch of other knitters together and they knitted over 20,000 of these little sweaters for the waddlers to keep warm with until they were ready to be released into the wild again. In the mean time, there is this contingent of wild penguins wandering around South African zoo campus dressed in their hand-made finery. Though they do inspire the general "aww" from passers by, and the desire to just pick them up and cuddle them, we need to stop and think as to why they are in this situation to begin with....The stupidity of MAN. Man meaning both men and women here. Why are we still so addicted to fossil fuel that we are willing to not only put these precious creatures at risk of dying from an oil leakage, but all the other noble and innocent creatures in the ocean? The animals that don't find their way to the shore for help and recovery? They normally just sink to the bottom and join the never-ending circle of life. But poisoned links in the chain only leads to poisoned links in the chain until the food chain breaks down and we have none of these creatures left. The woman who started this didn't do this for one incident, it was needed because this is an almost annual event for these little guys, and slowly they are going to be cuted right into extinction.

I know I'm a hypocrite in that I drive a car. I'm very fond of my car too. I'm just for abolishing transporting the oil across heavily populated channels of water. Which, in essence, means no water at all. Drill on the land that has oil as long as it's not in a nature preserve, and slowly wean people off the whole oil addiction. This isn't going to be easy for the Hummer and Denali set out there. True, the Governator has a bio-diesel Hummer, but how many have the additional income after the initial purchase to afford that kind of conversion to their already $75k SUV. (I guess I assume buying a $75k SUV would tap out people...I know it would me, but if they have that kind of discretionary income, maybe they can). I'm rather opinionated on this subject as well, no one needs a car that big for everyday use. There are some needs for it, but for running to the grocery store or taking the kids to the park, no. Absolutely no need. Especially when these little guys are the ones that are suffering for our addiction.

Midnight Musings

2006-09-30T01:09:00.000-07:00

I love late at night when the world has gone to sleep and all I hear are the bleating of the bats as they scour the sky for the every present insects. They are among the freakiest of God's creatures, but you gotta love 'em. They eat the bugs.

This is the time of night when lightning strikes, when ideas that have slumbered in their hulls break forth and start to germinate in the imagination. Some burst forth with vibrant colors and luscious textures, some take their time to wrap it's tendrils around all the elements until a more elegant, sophisticated product emerges. Either way, the element of both are the late night musings when I'm all alone with either my pen to paper or finger tips on keys. Lightning strikes most dramatically when all is dark, when all is well, when all else is asleep.

Quotes

2006-09-28T13:59:00.000-07:00

I have been having fun collecting quotes from different places, things and people. I thought I'd share some with you for a smile or for enlightenment.

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A point of view can be a dangerous luxury when substituted for insight and understanding.

Marshall McLuhan

*****

Be about the work, be happy or go to hell.

Brigham Young

*****

As long as there is a lack of inner discipline that brings calmness of mind, no matter what external facilities or conditions you have, they will never give you the feeling of joy and happiness that you are seeking. On the other hand, if you possess this inner quality of calmness of mind, a degree of stability within, then even if you lack the various external facilities that you would normally consider necessary for happiness, it is still possible to live a happy and joyful life.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama

*****

Barbara Termaat Quotes:

Wrapped around the axel.

You look slicker than deer guts on a door knob.

*****

When you have children the days are long but the years are short.

Lonny Smith

*****

About raising daughters by Brett England:

When you have a boy you worry about a boy. When you have a daughter, you worry about ALL the boys.

*****

It's all very simple.
Or, it's all very complex.
Perhaps it's neither.
Or both.
(forget the author)

*****

She was not quite what you would call refined.
She was not quite what you would call unrefined.
She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot.

Mark Twain

*****

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Albert Einstein

*****

I have a whole list more but they're at home. I'll do another post soon when I have them all in one place.

Of Two Minds

2006-09-27T10:35:00.000-07:00

This mornings dream was a doozie. Okay, a doozie by my standards. I say that because I said something in my dream that confounded me a bit. (Confound, in this case means, confused and yet still profound...I don't know what it really means). I was trying to explain why I was having problems doing something. My reply was "The minds can do that to the body." I've been a big believer that the mind is in control of the body, that if the mind is sick the body is sick too. But mindS? We're talking plural here. There's the statement of being of two minds on one matter, but to have two minds ruling the body seems rather extreme.

But could it be a temporal and eternal mind? Could it be a physical and spiritual mind? Both the yin and yang working in tandem to rule the body. Our body doesn't choose to succumb to temptation, but our body normally does the deed. In that case you have to have a consensus of the physical and spiritual minds to allow the body to step into a temptation. A physical temptation that is. Mental temptations are few and far between, but they do happen. So, are our minds always at work, the ephemeral working on the physical, to establish dominance over the other? It's not like the body really has a chance over the brain. I know a lot of people feel that the body has a will and a mind of it's own because sometimes you just can't "help" yourself, and this is a conversation that is brought up between me and other friends about the baser temptations in life. They argue that once you've engaged the body you can't stop it, you have to give in. My argument is Bull S**t! It's not easy but you don't have to completely succumb to temptation EVER just because it feels too good to stop. That's like saying you can't quit smoking because you're just too addicted to it and it feels like you're going to die if you don't have a smoke. The truth of the matter is, you're going to die if you don't stop smoking. I'm not saying it's easy, I'm not saying it's painless, I am saying that it can be done and the mind can overrule the body's urges.

I guess you can say we are a walking evolutionary paradox. The body, left on it's own will hunt, will mate and will function without meaning. No better or worse for ware than the wolves of the wild that stay in intimate family groups both for protection and for companionship. Our physical mind is what pushes the body to find something higher, to establish and assign meaning to the every day mundane tasks of hunting, eating and building a home. The spiritual mind is the epitome of the three as it provides and eternal compass to the physical mind. We do what we do because of what we want to do in eternity.

GOOOOOAAAAAAL!!! Revisited

2006-09-19T11:05:00.000-07:00

Okay, after a nice long night of not really sleeping but not really being awake either, I realize this is bothering more than I am willing to admit. I spent the night in dreams about people living in acronyms and houses the size of monopoly hotels on steroids (and just as red). I knew it was my fault and I had to fix it, but like anything, it has to be done piece by piece. So, the first piece of rebuilding this subdivision of goals is to break things up into different pieces Needs (N) verses Want (W), and Time (T) verses Money (M), and then provide a 1 - 3 priority, 1 being the highest. Maybe then I can get some sleep once I have an idea of what I should be doing now as opposed to trying to do everything now.

Needs should always take priority over wants 99.9% of the time, so here are the highest priority wants that have no monetary requirement or time:

Needs
Read Scriptures Daily
Pray Constantly
Increase vocabulary
Be in bed every night by 10:00pm

Needs with Time (I can do these because I'm not restrained by budget and can be done now)
Priority 1:
Read BOM in Spanish
Get SS02 Finished
Do my callings
Write/Keep up in my journal
Get finances straightened out
Transcribe notes out of Lost Christianities and into the computer
Get notes, dreams, ideas out of the small journals into the computer
Get my Young Woman Personal Progress Requirements met
Get mission Statement written and printed

Priority 2:
Exercise regularly
Create my own religion
Write up process for mission statement for the Ensign

Needs with Money (Will have to budgeted and then put on hold until I can afford it)
Priority 1:
Buy a house

Needs with Money & Time
Priority 1
Get healthy

Wants with Time
Priority 1:
Get up at 5:00-5:30 to work every morning
Become better read
Read lost scriptures

Priority 2:
Write Journal Article for New Era
Create origami Christmas Tree Ornaments
Stay on top of Sunday School Lesson
Learn and regularly practice Yoga
Continue research into Spare Parts
Read every night before bed
Keep up with Psyche Stew
Make a good showing on Tolavta
Write my opinion letter to Feinstein
Be active in a community organization

Priority 3:
clicker train Sammy
Get dream about amnesia chick written into a screenplay
Read more! Stop watching so much TV

Wants with Money
Priority 2:
Go back to School
Go to Italy

Wants with Time and Money requirements
Priority 1:
Start my own company

I'm looking at this an it appears that a lot of what I have slated under these are more of a to-do list than an actual goal list. Goals to me, are life changing efforts, not tasks on a list that when it's marked off you don't have to deal with it any more. The needs with a priority of 1 though, who didn't see that coming? Read and Pray always..Isn't' that something taught from the pulpit on any given Sunday?

GOOOOOAAAAAAL!!

2006-09-18T10:53:00.000-07:00

I'm one of those people that continually kick myself when I don't reach my goals. I'm very goal oriented in a lot of ways, yet I'm very procrastinating when I'm not trying to push myself further and harder and longer than before. And what's worse about goals with me is once I achieve them, I forget that I've achieved ANYTHING and feel horrible about myself. I normally have to sit down with myself and go over a list of accomplishments that I've achieved as opposed to the list of the things that I haven't. Of late, I've just feel horribly overwhelmed because I'm not getting anything done. So, I decided to make a list of the things that I want to accomplish in a reasonable amount of time, which I know means to most people reasonable, but it gets twisted in my head as RIGHT NOW! Here is the list I came up with in no particular order....

- Read the Book of Mormon in Spanish
- Get Soul Searching 2 Finished (a novel I'm working on)
- Go back to school
- Write Journal Article for New Era
- Go to Italy
- Buy a house
- Clicker train Sammy
- Read scriptures daily
- Create origami Christmas Tree ornaments
- Start my own company
- Do my callings (Canning specialist & Visiting Teaching)
- Stay on top of Sunday School Lesson
- Write/Keep up in my journal
- Exercise regularly
- Take the trolley to work more
- Learn and regularly practice Yoga. (By learn I mean teach myself)
- Get finances straightened out
- Get SANE!! or stop referring to myself as crazy
- Start/Continue research into Spare Parts (another novel)
- Get the dream about the amnesia chick written into a screen play
- Get up at 5:00-5:30 to work every morning
- In bed every night by 10:00pm
- Read every night before bed
- Read more! Stop watching so much TV
- Become less of a B**** when it comes to certain people
- Get healthy
- Be perfect in all things
- Keep up with Psyche Stew
- Make a good showing on Tolavta
- Increase vocabulary
- Become better read
- Transcribe notes out of Lost Christianities and into the computer
- Read Lost Scriptures
- Create my own religion (for writing purposes only)
- Get notes, dreams, ideas out of the small journals into the computer.
- Be a better person
- Pray all the time
- Get my Young Women's Personal Progress requirements met.
- Write my opinion letter to Feinstein
- Be active in a community organization (ASPCA is the current choice)
- Get mission statement written and then printed
- Write up the process for creating a mission statement for the Ensign

Is it any wonder I'm not getting anything done. I spend my time when I should be working on making money on things that require money to accomplish. I need to think this through a little more and stop requiring so much of myself. But mostly I need to realize that I'm not a bad person for not getting everything on my list done.

Questioning

2006-09-12T12:54:00.000-07:00

If your mother says your beautiful, is that the same as having a "good personality"?

If the program you're working with refuses to load your head shot because it's too large, is it saying you're fat?

In the game of life, how many "just friends" does one have to go through before they realize that a full brain beats a pair, no matter how big they are?

Is it better to be a ministering angel in the eternities then in a temporal marriage here on earth?