Pinch Me.....I think I'm dreaming!

You know how life goes, your down on your luck, you have a dour outlook and life gives you back what you put out; crap.  I'm learning this, or rather, been taught this, over and over again.  Living Buddha, Living Christ tells me I need to meditate to gain mindfulness in conjunction with Christ.  The When Anger Hurts book concurs with meditation to stifle the dark swirling emotions so I've been 'chanting' I Know Heavenly Father Loves Me from the Primary songbook using each phrase as a cue to breathe in and out and focus on the images it invokes. Or Praise God, From Whom All Blessings Flow, but either way it's the calming and security that I love from these exercises.  It's keeping me from spiralling me out of control.  So, my outlook as been a little more hopeful.  In order to to keep hope alive in my everyday life I've added a Hope journal to my journal and I mindfully choose the ideas/concepts/items I am hopeful for.  Just hoping is a new start for me. (Yea Me!)  So, what does all this have to do with my life?  I'll tell you....

• My sister has been promising me and promising me a job with the company she works with.  She has a had this possible job for me for months now.  It's a fast growing technology company and they need someone to do grunt type work.  It's, as she calls it, brain numbing, but I have enough going on not to want something that's going to take a lot of brain power.  And the plus side....it is real money, forty hours a week, no pressure, no required overtime, etc.  So, win-win-win for me.  Thank you C!
• I am now in charge of all of Mom's hours again, so, again money.  Not that I only hope for money, but trust me, I'm very mindful when it is absent.  I'm looking forward to being able to buy a few necessities as well as a few niceties.  Thank you Mom!
• This one is the most surprising, touching and generous act I had never expected.  P. was talking about selling his car because he doesn't want to have to put out extra money for something he feels he can live without.  Mom probed him as to what he would charge me if I were to buy the car.  Without hesitation he says's "If Aunt Pam needs it I'll give it to her."  Yea, I know, my jaw bounces off the floor every time I think of it.  He's my favorite right now.  True they have to teach me how to better handle a manual transmission, and though she doesn't know it, my best friend is going to have to teach and sit with me as I try to navigate the hills of San Francisco, but I feel like I'm up for the challenge.  To sweeten the gift, it needs about $1k of work, which C. is going to front me the money so it's running and safe for me learn on.  And the ABSOLUTE best thing?  It has AIR CONDITIONING..  You would understand if you've lived in California during heat waves and not have air conditioning for over 8years or so.

So, now I am on my way to supporting my little family again.  Sammy will be reacquainted with her vet, Mom will have all the things that make her life special and I will have a source for a savings, a little pot for the chance of a vacation, and maybe just a touch more for me. 

I change my mind, don't pinch me.  If I'm dreaming I don't want to wake up because I don't want to leave this world of hope that seems to be springing up around me.

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Am I Ready?

Okay, I know I railed against the amelioration's of the medical professionals towards the elderly in America.  When my mother finally presented with symptoms that didn't resemble a figment they took action.  We're waiting for her to get out of the procedure room for a dual-chamber pacemaker. Getting a little anxious because it's taking longer than what they said it would...even with the cushion for drugging, scrubbing and cutting. 

Am I ready for my mom to pass?  I don't know.  Yes, it would be the speeding up of my goals and life plans, and No because I feel like I've just gotten to a point where I can meet some emotional goals I have for both of us.  I know, I know I can't force my goals on anyone, no matter how good they are for them, but I can still set the goals.  I know I'm medicated enough to where I can handle it, well, be numb enough not to feel it until the initial stress wains and I can pick apart the emotions one-at-a-time and not be overwhelmed.  I don't like feeling overwhelmed.

Palliative Care in America

I'm not looking forward to old age.  I don't know of anyone that really is, but watching the slow descent of my mother into her, so called, golden years has become a painful warning of what will happen to everyone.  No one, no matter how good your genes are, how rich or how religious you are, if you aren't corralled by other demises will wither and die with the best of them.  I was talking with my mom this evening about her cardiologist reticence in giving her a pacemaker because she is continually maintaining a coma level pulse rate. (In the mid to high 40's).  He keeps poo-pooing her inquiries into a pacemaker and saying to keep taking her drugs and she'll be fine.  The thing is with such low heart rate she is unable to do anything on her own.  I'm not talking rebuilding car engines, I'm talking about making it to the front room from her bedroom without being completely exhausted and needing her oxygen.  I get that she's old, she's 82, but the woman still has spunk.  She has no problem in letting you know what's on her mind, even if she's a few years behind the current idioms of the day.  I'm almost afraid of what would happen if she got the gas to fuel her ambitions....scary.

I get that there isn't much that can be done for her, she's old.  The trend with her doctors seems to be give her some kind of pill to make it better.  I can't totally fault that method of care, I am the poster-child for better living through pharmacology and all, but these drugs seem to work in keeping her sedated.  She sleeps most of the day away and gets precious little out of watching TV and waiting for her kids and grand kids to drop in on her for a chat.  That truly is the extent of her life.

What is the crux of this blog is simple, I don't want to be a victim of palliative care.  I don't want to be put away in a home, away from the up-and-coming generations who fear the old and slowly dying.  I don't want to be drugged into a stupor because my heart inconveniently keeps pumping and brain keeps spinning.  Even if my body betrays me, that doesn't give the medical professionals permission to practice palliative medicine to make their own lives easier.

People keep yelling about Obama Care not being the solution, that it's tantamount to socialism, etc., etc.  But the current system, putting people in old-folks-homes and giving their care to the lowest bidder where they are medicated into a pseudo-death is no better than a concentration camp with hospital corners.  (sorry for the run-on sentence).   Okay, harsh, they don't have gas chambers (unless you consider industrial strength urine remover toxic?) and most of the doctors did get their degrees in the US, but the idea of putting a protected class away, where they are forgotten by their neighbors,weekend do-gooding for their kids with kids, and stock-piled like cord wood in sterile-ish facilities with shared commodes.  Indignities abound all in a days work by slightly more than minimum wage earners.  Whew, I'm glad I got that off my noggin.

I never thought I would be advocating for old-people.  I guess that's yet another indication that I'm growing up.  Damn!  I guess I'm not advocating for the elderly now, but advocating for  change before the family carts me off to the farm.

Avoiding Narcissus' Fate

Narcissus was a beautiful Greek of mythology who was led to a pond of clear cool water to get a look at himself by Nemesis.  He fell in love with his image and couldn't be bothered to leave it and he died.  When I looked closer into the myth I found Narcissus' name was synonymous with the words sleep or numbness.  Is that my problem?  No, I'm no beauty, nothing on Narcissus' level, but I seem to have fallen head-first into a pool of tears and have become half asleep and numb.  Too dramatic?  Possibly.

Depression isn't about self-love, it's more being completely consumed by self-loathing.  One becomes so obsessed with ones problem/situation/failures or whatever ones psychological nemesis has lured one with, and one can't pull away from the pool of tears one sees oneself in. 

I'm reading back over my words and I'm excited by what I'm saying.  Normally I let my brain have a modicum of freedom with my fingers and just let the grey matter do the talking., like the subconscious talks to the conscious.  In the past I've considered depression to be self-inflicted, self-centered, self-indulgent and wrong.  Of course, I was depressed and hated myself when I made those generalizations.  Now, I'm seeing it's not that easy, it's not an excuse to run myself down but a reason to get help.  Though I still feel at time that taking the time to fix myself, to focus in, I'm wasting time and energy.  However,  I am getting the help, equivalent of the nemesis that pushed me towards the negative, to pull myself away from the pool of tears and getting back into the world and not suffer the same fate as Narcissus.

Flight for Tomorrow - A Goal for Today

I'm calmer today, so far.  That's saying it's calmer because Sammy and I are the only two up, so that makes things a little better.  I hope to keep getting up at the earlier hours so I can start getting all my work done before Mom gets up so I don't have to work around her.

I'm still wanting to just be alone.  To be completely cut off from the world and the people who annoy the crap out of me.  I want to fall head first into the narcissistic vein in my soul and revel in it like some of my family.  Yet, I've struggled so hard not to make my world start with "I" and then "Me" before "you" and "Us".  I my goal is to  become a world citizen, not just a drain on the world as a human.  I may never, ever make that big of a ripple in the wide ocean of need, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try.

What if, after the world turns for a new season in my life I find that the world pisses me off, I'll find a new cause, but for now, the idea is like a security blanket making me hopeful, and it makes me push forward so that someday I will be of use and not a waste to the world.  Essentially I'm earning my wings now to someday land on the world stage.

Courage In The Quiet Moments

I've been calling myself a coward for being so, uhm, cowardly in sending my manuscript back out into the wide world for publication.  I know, I know, you will get hundreds of nos before you get that one yes.  You stop getting nos after that, it's just getting that one yes that is driving me bonkers.  I've been looking at a new possible publisher called WiDo.  I'm pronouncing it "We Do" in hopes that they do publish my manuscript.  I've been told by other publishers, in their "Thanks but no thanks" letters that it's a good story, but it doesn't mesh within their wheelhouse. It not like I've recieved a bunch of no's for my work, it's just the handful that I have had are so, I dunno, discouraging.  If I can't handle the single no from a publisher how am I going to handle it when I am published and even if the critics love it there's always one who hates what eveyone loves (you know who you are)  and he says that it's crap-on-a-stick and a tragic waste of trees to print it.  I can't be afraid of the little no, I need to straighten my weak knees, focus on the prize and stop looking at the no's behind me and start hunting for the yes to come.

I hate giving myself pep talks, they all seem a bit self-serving, don't you think?