Monkey In The Middle

I had two brothers who, in general, never came together on anything.  One was a sweet, innately loving soul the other was a vicious sociopathic bully.  The one thing that built the bridge between them was the opportunity to terrorize their three younger sisters.  Their favorite game? Monkey in the middle with anything of value to us.  It's not a game that the person in the middle ever wins.  It normally ends when the two perpetrators get tired and go away to reek havoc somewhere else.  The Monkey never, ever wins because brothers that are 11 and 13 years older than you will always be bigger and stronger than you.  The only hope for revenge is to wait until their children are old enough to have special attachments to dolls, balls, or teddy bears and return the favor.

Why bring this up you ask?  The whole political climate has made me feel as vulnerable as that little girl was being terrorized by the two opposites in the house.  We have the Right and the Left fighting for their values, not for the people they represent.  Instead of getting things done (the teddy bear between them) they are constantly volleying it back and forth to each other in verbal skirmishes so nothing gets done.  The teddy bear goes back and forth while the monkey (middle-of-the-road citizens) are exhausting themselves with trying to make due with their shrinking finances, the fears of loosing their job, the anxiety of trying to find a job while raising the next generation in a pseudo-economic depression. (I know they call it a recession, but that's like calling an iPad a chalk slate....they both record information...sorta).  The political pundents are more concerned with their ratings and will say just about anything to tip the scales in their favor.  Taking words out of context or adding a word to fluff up an image of intelligence, or in most cases, idiocy in order to inflame their more slack-jaw viewers arming them for their personal political rants with their friends of the other political persuasion. The media would have you believe that the majority has voted these idiots into office, but the truth is the majority of the people that vote voted these idiots into office, or they vote like me....the lesser of the evils....and then the lesser evil pulls a Jekyll/Hyde us.

The one thing that really annoys the beegeeses out of me is with all the ranting, all the railing against one another in DC, no one takes the time to suggest a fix.  Each side is cemented in their dogma of, to quote Mr. W "My way or the Highway" position.  I'm not talking just Republicans here, but Democrats as well.  If they take the time to write a comment for the press, couldn't they spend just as much time to make a suggestion for a fix so both sides can be happy....or at least less miserable.  Too much time is spent posturing to each other and the monkeys in the middle are too busy to stand up and tell them to put a sock in it and get back to work.  Which is what literally needs to be done.  If any of us spent more time on office politics than getting their job done we'd be hitting the bricks with the other millions of unemployed.  It's just that simple.  However, when you are in the service of the people, apparently office-politics is all you have to be skilled in.

So, here I am, saying that they need to come up with a solution instead of fighting between each other.  There is no difference between the ordinary (me) person and a politicians so here are my solutions for this situation....

• Every one, no matter what your political interests are, VOTE!  And vote for the ones that aren't in the extremes just because they are they are your party d'jour.  Study out the candidates and then find the one that you feel will best serve your interests.
• Set time limits on bills writing, rebuttals, votes and passings.  For example, if a need arises, a bi/tri/multi party committee is pulled together and given three months to write the best solution to the bill that is possible, taking into account all the parties idyllic ideas and then present it for rebuttal to the heads of each party, who would have six weeks to come up with changes, modifications and deletions.  Then the original committee would have three weeks to fix it, if they feel it should be fixed.  Any time spent denigrating the bill in the media is deducted from the time for that group/committee has for making adjustments.  Then after about six months bills should be able to pass through and we wouldn't have the congressional constipation that seems to keep things from passing.
• All politicians should be required to keep a wiki or a blog that explains why they voted the way they did, especially if it's against the way their constituents want.  Their constituents should have access to a voting application on that site where they can go in and cast a vote or post an opinion.
• No "extra" stuff on bills that have nothing at all to do with the bill itself so their won't be any more bribes for votes any more.  All monies need to be accounted for an posted on-line.  We have the technology people, we should be using it.
• If a politician doesn't show up to vote, they don't get paid.  If I don't work I don't get paid, why should they?  Why can't we hold them to the same work standard as the rest of the US.
• They should have to post every meeting they have with a lobbyist, special interest, the minutes from those meetings and any contributions/junkets/parties that take place.  They should be limited to how many they can see and heavy penalties to their office (their paycheck, I mean) should be levied for every infraction.

There are a few more but this should give you an idea of what can happen if we all get involved in shaping our future.  Yes, we are at almost the very bottom of our economic foundation.  Everything we have always come know and believe in in our government is either gone or in a state of flux.  This is scary, yes, but it is also a blessing.  We have the opportunity to rebuild the United States to our own ideals if we just take a small amount of time to vote, and to email our representatives and tell them what we feel they should be doing.  It's a leap of faith that we will be heard, but by not doing anything at all is only going to guarantee yourself misery.  We, the monkeys, need to rise, step out of the middle and demand what is rightfully ours!

Addictions: Good or Bad?

I'm addicted to:

• Diet soda with caffeine
• Playing Vegas style solitaire on my computer until the battery wares out
• Chocolate
• Doctor Who
• Parrots and other unique birds
• Humongous marshmallows
• Chocolate
• Ice Cream
• Oatmeal Raisin Cranberry cookies from Safeway
• Outrageous Oatmeal Cookies from Starbucks
• Peanut butter and honey mixed together
• Sleeping
• M&Ms
• Hersey products

Why can't I be addicted to something that's good for me, like:

• Reading my scriptures
• Performing Christlike Service
• Exercising
• Eating three meals a day

So, is addiction bad when it's something good for you?  Addiction, in and of itself is bad, right?  I dunno.

Pinch Me.....I think I'm dreaming!

You know how life goes, your down on your luck, you have a dour outlook and life gives you back what you put out; crap.  I'm learning this, or rather, been taught this, over and over again.  Living Buddha, Living Christ tells me I need to meditate to gain mindfulness in conjunction with Christ.  The When Anger Hurts book concurs with meditation to stifle the dark swirling emotions so I've been 'chanting' I Know Heavenly Father Loves Me from the Primary songbook using each phrase as a cue to breathe in and out and focus on the images it invokes. Or Praise God, From Whom All Blessings Flow, but either way it's the calming and security that I love from these exercises.  It's keeping me from spiralling me out of control.  So, my outlook as been a little more hopeful.  In order to to keep hope alive in my everyday life I've added a Hope journal to my journal and I mindfully choose the ideas/concepts/items I am hopeful for.  Just hoping is a new start for me. (Yea Me!)  So, what does all this have to do with my life?  I'll tell you....

• My sister has been promising me and promising me a job with the company she works with.  She has a had this possible job for me for months now.  It's a fast growing technology company and they need someone to do grunt type work.  It's, as she calls it, brain numbing, but I have enough going on not to want something that's going to take a lot of brain power.  And the plus side....it is real money, forty hours a week, no pressure, no required overtime, etc.  So, win-win-win for me.  Thank you C!
• I am now in charge of all of Mom's hours again, so, again money.  Not that I only hope for money, but trust me, I'm very mindful when it is absent.  I'm looking forward to being able to buy a few necessities as well as a few niceties.  Thank you Mom!
• This one is the most surprising, touching and generous act I had never expected.  P. was talking about selling his car because he doesn't want to have to put out extra money for something he feels he can live without.  Mom probed him as to what he would charge me if I were to buy the car.  Without hesitation he says's "If Aunt Pam needs it I'll give it to her."  Yea, I know, my jaw bounces off the floor every time I think of it.  He's my favorite right now.  True they have to teach me how to better handle a manual transmission, and though she doesn't know it, my best friend is going to have to teach and sit with me as I try to navigate the hills of San Francisco, but I feel like I'm up for the challenge.  To sweeten the gift, it needs about $1k of work, which C. is going to front me the money so it's running and safe for me learn on.  And the ABSOLUTE best thing?  It has AIR CONDITIONING..  You would understand if you've lived in California during heat waves and not have air conditioning for over 8years or so.

So, now I am on my way to supporting my little family again.  Sammy will be reacquainted with her vet, Mom will have all the things that make her life special and I will have a source for a savings, a little pot for the chance of a vacation, and maybe just a touch more for me. 

I change my mind, don't pinch me.  If I'm dreaming I don't want to wake up because I don't want to leave this world of hope that seems to be springing up around me.

-

Am I Ready?

Okay, I know I railed against the amelioration's of the medical professionals towards the elderly in America.  When my mother finally presented with symptoms that didn't resemble a figment they took action.  We're waiting for her to get out of the procedure room for a dual-chamber pacemaker. Getting a little anxious because it's taking longer than what they said it would...even with the cushion for drugging, scrubbing and cutting. 

Am I ready for my mom to pass?  I don't know.  Yes, it would be the speeding up of my goals and life plans, and No because I feel like I've just gotten to a point where I can meet some emotional goals I have for both of us.  I know, I know I can't force my goals on anyone, no matter how good they are for them, but I can still set the goals.  I know I'm medicated enough to where I can handle it, well, be numb enough not to feel it until the initial stress wains and I can pick apart the emotions one-at-a-time and not be overwhelmed.  I don't like feeling overwhelmed.

Palliative Care in America

I'm not looking forward to old age.  I don't know of anyone that really is, but watching the slow descent of my mother into her, so called, golden years has become a painful warning of what will happen to everyone.  No one, no matter how good your genes are, how rich or how religious you are, if you aren't corralled by other demises will wither and die with the best of them.  I was talking with my mom this evening about her cardiologist reticence in giving her a pacemaker because she is continually maintaining a coma level pulse rate. (In the mid to high 40's).  He keeps poo-pooing her inquiries into a pacemaker and saying to keep taking her drugs and she'll be fine.  The thing is with such low heart rate she is unable to do anything on her own.  I'm not talking rebuilding car engines, I'm talking about making it to the front room from her bedroom without being completely exhausted and needing her oxygen.  I get that she's old, she's 82, but the woman still has spunk.  She has no problem in letting you know what's on her mind, even if she's a few years behind the current idioms of the day.  I'm almost afraid of what would happen if she got the gas to fuel her ambitions....scary.

I get that there isn't much that can be done for her, she's old.  The trend with her doctors seems to be give her some kind of pill to make it better.  I can't totally fault that method of care, I am the poster-child for better living through pharmacology and all, but these drugs seem to work in keeping her sedated.  She sleeps most of the day away and gets precious little out of watching TV and waiting for her kids and grand kids to drop in on her for a chat.  That truly is the extent of her life.

What is the crux of this blog is simple, I don't want to be a victim of palliative care.  I don't want to be put away in a home, away from the up-and-coming generations who fear the old and slowly dying.  I don't want to be drugged into a stupor because my heart inconveniently keeps pumping and brain keeps spinning.  Even if my body betrays me, that doesn't give the medical professionals permission to practice palliative medicine to make their own lives easier.

People keep yelling about Obama Care not being the solution, that it's tantamount to socialism, etc., etc.  But the current system, putting people in old-folks-homes and giving their care to the lowest bidder where they are medicated into a pseudo-death is no better than a concentration camp with hospital corners.  (sorry for the run-on sentence).   Okay, harsh, they don't have gas chambers (unless you consider industrial strength urine remover toxic?) and most of the doctors did get their degrees in the US, but the idea of putting a protected class away, where they are forgotten by their neighbors,weekend do-gooding for their kids with kids, and stock-piled like cord wood in sterile-ish facilities with shared commodes.  Indignities abound all in a days work by slightly more than minimum wage earners.  Whew, I'm glad I got that off my noggin.

I never thought I would be advocating for old-people.  I guess that's yet another indication that I'm growing up.  Damn!  I guess I'm not advocating for the elderly now, but advocating for  change before the family carts me off to the farm.

Avoiding Narcissus' Fate

Narcissus was a beautiful Greek of mythology who was led to a pond of clear cool water to get a look at himself by Nemesis.  He fell in love with his image and couldn't be bothered to leave it and he died.  When I looked closer into the myth I found Narcissus' name was synonymous with the words sleep or numbness.  Is that my problem?  No, I'm no beauty, nothing on Narcissus' level, but I seem to have fallen head-first into a pool of tears and have become half asleep and numb.  Too dramatic?  Possibly.

Depression isn't about self-love, it's more being completely consumed by self-loathing.  One becomes so obsessed with ones problem/situation/failures or whatever ones psychological nemesis has lured one with, and one can't pull away from the pool of tears one sees oneself in. 

I'm reading back over my words and I'm excited by what I'm saying.  Normally I let my brain have a modicum of freedom with my fingers and just let the grey matter do the talking., like the subconscious talks to the conscious.  In the past I've considered depression to be self-inflicted, self-centered, self-indulgent and wrong.  Of course, I was depressed and hated myself when I made those generalizations.  Now, I'm seeing it's not that easy, it's not an excuse to run myself down but a reason to get help.  Though I still feel at time that taking the time to fix myself, to focus in, I'm wasting time and energy.  However,  I am getting the help, equivalent of the nemesis that pushed me towards the negative, to pull myself away from the pool of tears and getting back into the world and not suffer the same fate as Narcissus.

Flight for Tomorrow - A Goal for Today

I'm calmer today, so far.  That's saying it's calmer because Sammy and I are the only two up, so that makes things a little better.  I hope to keep getting up at the earlier hours so I can start getting all my work done before Mom gets up so I don't have to work around her.

I'm still wanting to just be alone.  To be completely cut off from the world and the people who annoy the crap out of me.  I want to fall head first into the narcissistic vein in my soul and revel in it like some of my family.  Yet, I've struggled so hard not to make my world start with "I" and then "Me" before "you" and "Us".  I my goal is to  become a world citizen, not just a drain on the world as a human.  I may never, ever make that big of a ripple in the wide ocean of need, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try.

What if, after the world turns for a new season in my life I find that the world pisses me off, I'll find a new cause, but for now, the idea is like a security blanket making me hopeful, and it makes me push forward so that someday I will be of use and not a waste to the world.  Essentially I'm earning my wings now to someday land on the world stage.

Courage In The Quiet Moments

I've been calling myself a coward for being so, uhm, cowardly in sending my manuscript back out into the wide world for publication.  I know, I know, you will get hundreds of nos before you get that one yes.  You stop getting nos after that, it's just getting that one yes that is driving me bonkers.  I've been looking at a new possible publisher called WiDo.  I'm pronouncing it "We Do" in hopes that they do publish my manuscript.  I've been told by other publishers, in their "Thanks but no thanks" letters that it's a good story, but it doesn't mesh within their wheelhouse. It not like I've recieved a bunch of no's for my work, it's just the handful that I have had are so, I dunno, discouraging.  If I can't handle the single no from a publisher how am I going to handle it when I am published and even if the critics love it there's always one who hates what eveyone loves (you know who you are)  and he says that it's crap-on-a-stick and a tragic waste of trees to print it.  I can't be afraid of the little no, I need to straighten my weak knees, focus on the prize and stop looking at the no's behind me and start hunting for the yes to come.

I hate giving myself pep talks, they all seem a bit self-serving, don't you think?

I've Found Heaven On Earth.....Still Heart Institute

So, I'm cruising Skyline on my birthday as a mini-no-money kind of vacation and I passed the gates of the Still Heart Institute.  I passed it, like I did the other places I saw and was mildly interested in. Only the calm and peace spilling over like a gentle waterfall from the property made me stop, turn around and ascend up the driveway to the beautifully naturally manicured front of old Lodge.  The parking lot was empty save a few of their shuttle vans and it intrigued me.  Was I coming upon private property, like a country club?After parking I walked up, I saw the maintenance workers cleaning things in what looked like a dining area and maids working on a balcony.  The entrance was around a man-made waterfall, the laughing water splashing on the rocky bed.  Carved stones marked the path with a simple message, reminiscent of the Bermashave signs of old, "How far down the rabbit hole are you willing to go."  At this point I though it was a rehab center.  Luckily, I was soooo wrong. 

Still Heart is a non profit institute for learning.  Any kind of learning.  The have retreats, they have guests speakers, they have food demonstrations. Anyone willing to take on the responsibility of creating a retreat is able to.  I had no idea we had such a bounty hidden in the hills.   I wished I knew about it when I was doing silent auctions for Make-A-Wish(r).  I would have bid the crap out of this item.

I sought out the administration office and got more information.  With the pictures of Buddhist monks in a the lobby and the absolute peace you feel when you walk through he doors, hell, I wanted to see if I could move in.  My heart has been searching for a non-church place like this.  I've only ever felt it in the temple.  If you take away the sacred significance of the temple, this would be the gentile counterpart.

I met Joanne Brohmer and she was kind enough t take me on a tour of the facilities.  They have in in-door pool filled with saline.  What that means is you have a slightly salty warm pool of water to swim in.  The salt is a natural chlorine that doesn't kill everything it come into contact with.  Next to the pool was an alcove here he bubbly hot tub was.  There is a dry sauna and changing rooms.  Up the flight of stairs there was the great room, where you can sit and look at the original Chihuly sculptures floating above you.  There is a piano,  circle of pillows, a balcony and 180 degree view of the misty trees just outside the building.

Though the accommodations were elegantly appointed, nothing prepared me for the guestrooms!!  Goodness gracious were they unbelievable.  Okay, maybe not the bedroom area, but the bathroom.....it was unbelievable!  It had a stall shower, a commode and then a bathtub I want to live in....and I could live in it if I had to.  It's that huge.  It goes above and beyond what a soaking tub should be.  Being 5'9" tall and almost as wide, you can see why a large soaking tub would be so desirable. (I didn't think to snap a pictureor two with my camera....dumb bunny)

Joanne and I talked numbers.  If there isn't a group of people there staying, anyone can stay without having to have to live up to the mandate  of education.  The price, again a shocker, $150 per person.  Considering what you would pay for a B&B that didn't have half the amenities as Still Heart, it's a bargain.  You can bring you own food or patronize the local hangouts  Two reservation-only continental restaurants and Alice's Restaurant aren't that far from this little bit of heaven on earth.

Why am I going on like this you ask?  Well, like I said they are a non-profit and are trying to stay afloat in this hellish economy.  By the time I get my money saved, it might be gone.  So, I'm asking, nay begging, if you want a place for peace, if you need a place for a corporate off-site, you need to call Joanne and see what you can arrange.  To loose something this perfect would be a sad, sad waste.

Pot Gardening

Gartner in the orignial German means Gardener.  Like Adam and Eve were gardeners, or so I read in a book.  I was shocked to see my name in the German translation of a book on castles that I bought in Germany.  It said since the time of the original Gardeners (Gärtner).....  My father was a rancher/Farmer and could put in a backyard garden in his sleep.  My sister C has carried on that tradition and loves to do the whole vegetable garden.  My other sister S likes to do the flower garden thing and I do pot gardening.  Not that kind of pot, more like container gardening.  I've got some herbs going now...basil, thyme, orageno and chocolate pepermint.  I'm not doing an "organic" herbal garden per se, but I'm trying not to mix in the snail killing stuff along with the soil.  I'd love to invent a ring you fill will beer so it can be all organic and the snails die a happy death, but even with all the time in the world that I have now, I don't have the time.

The one thing that I really like about pot gardening in my backyard is the automatic sprinklers we have that keep the roses and the hydrangias and other plants (and weeds) going.  I thought it would be enough water to keep my little ones well nourished with water and I could just let them be on their own and flurish.  Boy, was I wrong.  I just came in from watering them because they were quite parched and then moving them to the side of the house with the hydrangias, because they just aren't getting enough water...plus it's been very hot the past few days.  So, low hydration and heat make some really crispy herb leaves.  I want to grow bushy plants before I start gathering them in.

So, hopefully, given time, my pots will be just as spactacular as C's veggies and S's flowers, because we are all Gardeners in our own way.  Mine is just a little more self contained, clean nail and callous free.