The Truth About Lying

Trust is a hot commodity these days.  If you can't trust your friends, how can you ever tell them apart from your enemies?  If you can't trust your family, how can you trust the world?  Words like trust, integrity, reliability, and so on.  These are fundamental building blocks for relationships.  It's a cold day when you realize a role-model has lied to you about EVERYTHING, you end up trusting NO ONE.  The truth may hurt, but it can be delivered in a less than brutal fashion, and then you can go forward and build greater relationships.  On a larger level if a street practiced kind yet exact honesty there would be harmony.  If it spreads to city, county, state, territory, national levels we will have peace because no one is hiding anything.

The flip side of this is: Do any of us really want the truth from our street, city, county, state, territory or nation?  Sometimes it's nice to be kept in the dark for plausible deniability or something to complain about later.  We might ask for the truth and they might even appear to be giving the whole truth and nothing but the truth but can you trust them?  Can you trust anyone?

Obviously, I'm dealing with trust issues at the moment.  Why I don't trust, whether or not I am trustworthy, is my integrity starched and pressed?  I'm wishing, again, that I can go back on my word with my Mom, I promised she could stay with me until she decides to leave.  I gave my word.  Everyone thinks I'm nuts.  I am nuts, I think we know that already. :-)  I feel I am trustworthy, it's just the rest of the world (and eternity) that I'm trying to trust.

I'd ask you to wish me luck, but I don't know if I can trust you to be sincere....

I'm So Tired Because.......

• I'm only sleeping a few hours a day
• I work 8 hrs a day with a 1 hr. commute round-trip
• Yea, I know that's noting really to complain about...some people have an hour both ways.
• I take care of my Mom in the evening and on weekends
• I'm trying really, really hard to be a good daughter
• I'm trying really, really hard to keep my head above water, barely moving fast enough to tread
• Anger still creeps up on me and puts me through a spin cycle or two
• I'm constantly running the list of things I need to do rather than watch TV in my head
• I listen to a baby monitor all night breath and humidifiers click in case my Mom might need me
• My job, thought without challenge is mind numbingly boring
• Play fetch for my Mom
• Take care of my parrot
• Try to keep a social life for myself
• Keeping up the daunting struggle to pry myself out of my shell
• Writing blogs and not working on my book(s)
• Trying to keep some semblance of personal upkeep....it's always the last thing for me to do, and it never gets done....so I rake myself over the thistles to make myself feel like if I didn't do it at least I've paid for it.
• Being my Mom's emotional dumping ground EVERY DAY
• Trying to get through Physical Therapy to move my neck properly again.
• Friends
• Okay, I'll admit friends are a good reason to not sleep, especially when they have opera tickets.
• The frenetic lifestyles of my sisters
• The guilt and self-doubt I've carried around since grade school
• Working on this, but working on this is emotionally exhausting too
• Trying to swing the money to go on my nephews wedding Cruise next June

Here's the thing: It is now 7:38am on a Saturday no less and I'm up, I almost want to get up and get my other things done but I'm really digging the silence and enjoying the darkness of my room.  (Dark room = clean room)  I know if I stay in bed I'll eventually go back to sleep, which is fine.  As I mentioned before, it's SATURDAY, you're supposed to sleep in on Saturday...unless you're a parent that has a child in some sort of sports program, or my sister who is probably on her fourth hour on her treadmill right now training for a 1/2 marathon.  The thing though, is that I know that little bit of stolen sleep won't make up for the days of lack of sleep from the weeks before.  I think at this point I'm hoping for a psychotic break for a vacation destination.  Think about it:

• You're own space to sleep in with a locked door
• Room service for all meals
• A comfy jacket that lets you hug yourself for hours
• Meds that take you on side trips without leaving the comfort of bed
• Being away from your daily grind.

Okay, taking a nap now.  Maybe I'll get up-up in an hour or so.......who knows where exhaustion will lead me today.  I've accepted my fate...I will be tired, oh so tired, until I'm not either by natural or pharmaceutical means.  But some day I know, Ill feel rested, or so rested.

An Attempt at Snarky Poetry....

I Feel Tired

(Sung to I Feel Pretty)

I feel tired, oh so tired

I feel cranky and grumpy and trite 

And I pity

Anyone who talks to me tonight

I feel sluggish oh so sluggish

It's alarming how sluggish I feel

And so hollow

I really don't believe I'm real.

See that tired girl in the mirror there

Who could that tired girl be,

Dark circled eyes

Cracked pale lips 

Messy gray hair

Such a tired me!

I'm exhausted 

And I'm sniping

Hiding in bed would be a great joy

If I don't,

Men with nets they soon will deploy!

Labour Day

 

When did it happen that on the day we observe labour has become a day of rest?

Don't get me wrong,

I'm not complaining.

I Wonder If God Has Wi-Fi....

Obviously not a Meru School

I'm reading a book about prayer, about deepening my Spiritual practice.  It's something I've gotten away from, and to be honest my mind goes blank when my knees touch the carpet.  Coming from someone that is a returned missionary, that's pretty scandalis.  I find myself repeating the same plea, or asking the same things night after night like some unwritten rote prayer.  I sound mindless, witless and useless.  When I'm done I get into bed and remember everything that I meant to tell Him, then lie down and give him the checklist before I fall asleep or turn on the TV.  I know He 'knows' but we're still supposed to tell Him our problems, to ask Him for the solutions, to thank Him when things go the way He said they would.  You know, the basic manners your mother strove to teach you.

The thing is I'm much better at writing my thoughts than I am thinking and/or saying my thoughts.  I've thought about writing a list of things that I need to say/do in my prayers.  Then as I was forming this in my head, and as a contractor for a networking company, it makes me wonder if Heavenly Father has Wi-Fi?  Can I send him an e-mail and He can reply.  I know, I know, if we could start a written dialog with God, it would negate the need for faith....yadda, yadda, yadda...but think about it.  We could have a direct link to Heavenly Father via our Smart Phones, our computers, our tablets....anywhere there is a wi fi signal we can reach out to Him and Him back to us.  Hopefully He wouldn't be susceptible to carpal tunnel because typing with those restrictive braces on is a real pain.

That is my problem, I know.  I'm thinking of God as this orbiting satellite that is there waiting for me to pick up the phone and call him like some long forgotten grandfather.  It's not a uplink and downlink kind of arrangement.  Thich Nhat Hanh write, quoting Larry Dossey, an American Doctor:

"...our collective consciousness in not like telecommunications satellite.  We don't need to send prayers anywhere because God is omnipresent.  There is no need to convert God into some divine telecommunications satellite in the sky.  Prayer is unlimited by space or time. - Dossey

"What Dossey calls the omnipresent God, Buddhism calls the collective consciousness or the "one mind".  This is the store consciousness in which Buddha and we are one."

 On a pure intellectual level, I know this.  I've read that God is all knowing, all seeing, and all encompassing.  But have I put my faith in that?  Or have I built Him up as this rarefied deity that talking to Him is supposed to be this honor, this sacrament that, as always, I feel unworthy?  God, or Heavanly Father as I refer to him as, is just that. He is a father, my father. Though He is an exhalted being He is the Father of my soul, I should feel comfortable just talking to him. I did that not too long ago and I think I scared myself with how powerful the experience was. Like a hermit living in a cave coming out on the first bright day hurts ones eyes and every movement flutters the heart.

I know I'm a strung a little to tightly right now. I'm hoping rote chanting will help me focus my mind a little better.  Just because I can't doesn't mean I shouldn't try and continue to try until I find my father's hand once again and we can walk side by side together.

Good By Mr. Williams

I wanted to express my deep sadness at the passing of Robin Williams.  It saddens me that a man who brought so much joy and happiness to so many people was suffering so deeply inside.  I know the angels in heaven are falling off their clouds with laughter, but it doesn't soften the tears on earth.  You will be missed.

He was the best wish granter EVER!!!

50 Is As 50 Does.....

My advice to the younger generation....

Time flies like the witches monkeys!  

Carry an umbrella.

So, I've hit a mile-stone....one decade closer to the tomb stone.  Only now, I'm going to be kicking and scratching and fighting every step of the way.  50 for me, is the new 20, but better because I know now what I didn't know then.

Is Hypochondria Hypochondria If You Really Know Your're Not Sick?

Okay, so I got several mosquito bites about a week ago and now I feel crappy, so of course I have West Nile.  Do I need a doctor to tell me this, of course not.  WebMD has walked me through the symptoms, I've checked my glands thanks to the electronic copy of Bartlebys online reference books, my neck hurts, I feel weak and even though I feel like I have a fever, I really don't because I'm on Advil three times a day for my wrists and neck to stop hurting.  Of course it's going to spread to meningitis, encephalitis and eventually massive brain damage because of this new plague that has started to sweep the world.  Maybe this is where zombies come from.....Watch enough of The Walking Dead episodes and you begin to believe it can happen here....and it could be spread by mosquitoes and ticks and all the other little creepy crawlers that wait until we are sound asleep to infect us with the equivalent to a toxic viral stew. 

Okay, on some level, I know I'm not sick.  At least I hope I'm not.  I'm just tired and the idea that I would have to stay in bed for a few days and just sit still in the silence and shaded light sounds like heaven.  No offence to those suffering from West Nile, reading about it today makes it sounds almost unbearable (for those that survive) and it takes quite a long time to get over and I wouldn't wish that on myself or anyone else, but the silence...the bed rest....the darkness....to me in my wound-up state sounds like a slice of heaven.

So, was I bit by blood-sucking vermin, yes at least six times.  Was it one carrying the West Nile Virus? Who knows.  The only thing I do know is that if I don't start perking up I'm going to see my doctor to make sure I don't and maybe talk her into a B-12 shot.  I joke, but no one wants their spinal cord or brain to swell up and become irritated.....that would be like having an itch on your brain that no matter how far you push in the knitting needle, you can't scratch it.

Okay, I'm done whining now.  I just needed to get this down and out so I could sleep without visions of hospital food dancing in my head.

But He's Twelve......?

Patrick working at Le Garage in Baltimore, MD

There is something wrong with the way I see my nieces and nephews.  I look at them and they're twelve.  I mean it.  This is Patrick working as a bar manager at Le Garage in Baltimore MD.  I know, he doesn't look twelve, he's actually more than twice that.  But I see the curly haired, blue-eyed boy that had green hair to celebrate getting his black belt.  Not the adult man concocting his own cocktails and providing the unholy spirits to their customers.  However, he did mix something up with me in mind.  It's called Temperance.  He told me what's in it, and it sounds interesting.  When I get enough money together (and the weather isn't too extreme I'm gonna go and try it, or make him fix it for me the next time he's in town.)

Maybe I miss them, the kids they used to be.  One nephew, though has grow to over 6'5", hasn't really changed much still the quick wit and smarty-pants he always was, only now he supervises other technical people.  I look at him and think, "Why are they minding him?  He's twelve?"  His brother has a daughter who is only 5 and she's absolutely adorable and beautiful.  He works at a hospital as a Sr. Tech in the endoscopy department.   Now my niece has a baby boy who will be turning 1 next month while working full time in a Fortune 200 company.  Her brother is working as an audio/visual expert for a large retailer.  They are all accomplished, some even more than myself, and yet, I see them as twelve.

Luckily have have a new crop of kids to spoil and get stuck like amber in my brain as twelve year olds.  Since those kids are having kids, and a nephew that I didn't get to participate in his life until he was old enough to get married are having kids, I get to be Granty (Great Aunty).  I get to spoil them, let them watch all the cool nerdy stuff, hype them up on sugar and caffeine and send them home.  Exactly what a great aunt should do.

 I realize it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm reaching one of those undeniable, unavoidable milestones one has to face in ones life.  It could be that I only feel like I'm holding fine at 25 so they have to be 12 then I can hide safely from reality.  Well, when I say holding fine I mean that my brain is still very alert, my creativity is s flowing again, but the body....well, lets just say the body misses the naps she took in kindergarten.  I don't know why we EVER had to give those up.  So, in about 2 months I will be celebrating my Jubilee.  I just can't say the number aloud, yet.  Give me time, I should come to terms with it.  But honestly, I don't think they will ever be anything but 12 years old in my mind.

Addicted to Addictions

Someone stop me before I go broke(er)!!!

I've known about eBay, I mean seriously, who hasn't heard about eBay?, for a while now.  I have a friend that works there and she does a great job finding tech deals which I check daily, but what really, truly draws me in are the BEADS.  I found this necklace to the left and instantly fell in love with it.  I won't pay the price for it, not when I can make it myself.  (it probably won't be this nice, but it will be me).  So, I set off looking for a labradorite pendant that flashes the blues and greens like this one does.  Labradorite can range from a dirty gray crystal with flecks of color to something this sumptuous and ethereal.  What I truly love about this stone is that it looks like a drop of water with a world frozen inside.  The wire is oxidized sterling silver, which I learned you can put shiny sterling silver in a bag with a hard boiled egg and it will oxidize it for you, they caution you not to eat the egg afterwards.  The smaller beads are 4 or 6mm faceted garnet.  The other findings I can make up as I go along, which is exactly me.

Here's the rub.  Do you know how many beads, pendants, crystals, necklaces and other doo-dads that are on eBay for a remarkable price?  I could die a happy little addict if I hadn't tallied up my costs of what I've paid for so far....$107!!!!  I could have bought the necklace for that price!  Now, don't get me wrong, most of the money is coming out of my allowance, which I can spend anyway I see fit, but still that's a lot of money for four or five labradorite pendants that I purchased and then found what I thought was the perfect one on a Buy-It-Now vendor.....and then I found the ultimate bead for my necklace, and it isn't labradorite at all....It's amethyst.  I don't think it shows well here, but if it has everything I see in it, it should suit me just fine, and amethyst has an innate power of, get this, self-control.  Boy do I need that.  I plan on putting the other pendants to use too, who know, I might inspire someone's addiction in the future with eBay being the dealer of all addictions. After all, a good addiction is a shared addiction.

If I just bought labradorite it would be one thing, but I bought more amethyst, ruby, emerald, ruby in fluorite, druzy, sea settlement jasper, jasper, and peridot and so much more....the only thing bad for the addict is the waiting for it to ship from all over the freaking world!  What addict has that kind of patience, I ask you?  I have to keep my ruler handy too, because it looks HUGE on the screen and it arrives in a flat parcel and you realize it would best fit Barbie and her skinny little friends. Grrrr.

(For those of you wondering why I've been so quiet it's because I've been so internally dead from a tsunami of emotions I was barely keeping my head above water to do my jobs.  My mom is still alive and just turned 85, my parrot is doing fine, and I am getting my creativity on.  I'm even writing again.  I'm stockpiling all these elements for when my mom goes on vacation with my sister in June and I can take over the kitchen table so I can luxuriate in the creative juices.  I'm hoping this won't be the end of the imagination train.)