A New Path

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Word came down yesterday that my job is soon to be by-by.  As a contractor I am subject to the whims of management.  They hired someone to do my job, my exact job.  I'm assuming they are paying them less, which is fine, but they could tell me that instead of making me believe I pissed someone with a long memory off and they want me to leave.  I'm worried that they didn't find the right kind of stupid for this job, but that's really not my concern, besides, who wants to work for a company that doesn't want them?  Seriously.  This is just the kick in the rump I need to get my certificate back and start tying to find a job in the medical profession.  I don't know what your opinion is about Obamacare, I love it.  It has caused an uptick for secondary testing which means more blood tests which means more need for phlebotomists.  To be fair though, I have insurance through one of my jobs so I haven't had to deal with the website or any of the Scheisters out there that are trying to make a buck on the process.  I hear it's frustrating, but in the end it will be worth it because then you can have your blood tested by me.

So here's the dilemma/opportunity this poses.  I got a not from my bank inviting me to apply for a loan.  So, they refinanced my car once and the lady told me I could do it again in a year or two to try and get a better rate (I went from 12% to 5% which I thought was pretty good).  I thought about this.  With unemployment looming in the distance I was worried about my debt.  If I could get enough on my refinance of my car to pay off the approximate $3k in debt I've accumulated it would be easier to pay one payment once a month then trying to keep track which one has the 90 day or the 180 day payment delay and one of them (PayPal Credit) will only let you defer payment on items over a certain amount so the other things that I've purchased that weren't under that amount need to be paid now.  So, I have a small window of time to decide "To Refinance or Not To Refinance".  Opinions are welcome on this topic.  Fiances scare me.  Not enough to not open credit accounts and use them confidently....

The current plan starting November 1 is as follows:

1. Get re-certified
2. Start shopping my resume for any kind of Hospital/Clinic job
3. Finish the final chapter "House of Dragons" and prepare for submission for January 1
4. Do NaNoWriMo my way and edit "Hearts of the Mothers" all the way through so it's about 60k words
5. Get a job
6. Get published
7. Make oodles of money
8. Move to Oregon/Washington and live happily ever after

What's really exciting is Mom now has a daytime caregiver that will allow me to leave the house and do this.  I only have to be at home and take care of Mom from 3:00pm and weekends.  It's going to be totally do-able! (Well, 1-5 anyway I have some control over those....yes I know control is an illusion)

There will be some belt tightening, {sigh}.  Isn't there always.  I'm going to take out the cable and put in one of those year specials from a different company that provides phone, internet and cable.  Or I'll see if having three different companies provide it is better.  Take some of the data off my phone and hopefully I won't run out before the end of the month so I can finish watching The Walking Dead on the treadmill at the gym.  I'm not giving up my gym membership, but I will be giving up the spa membership attached to it.  Sigh.  I think I'll miss that most of all.  I'll have to rely on the kindness of strangers to give me massages and facials.  If you'd like to donate to the charity of keeping me well massaged and beautiful, contact me and I'll tell you where to send the money.

Though life is a little crazy right now with the what-ifs it's still really really good and promising right now.  Wow, life has changed over the past few years.

The Truth About Lying

Trust is a hot commodity these days.  If you can't trust your friends, how can you ever tell them apart from your enemies?  If you can't trust your family, how can you trust the world?  Words like trust, integrity, reliability, and so on.  These are fundamental building blocks for relationships.  It's a cold day when you realize a role-model has lied to you about EVERYTHING, you end up trusting NO ONE.  The truth may hurt, but it can be delivered in a less than brutal fashion, and then you can go forward and build greater relationships.  On a larger level if a street practiced kind yet exact honesty there would be harmony.  If it spreads to city, county, state, territory, national levels we will have peace because no one is hiding anything.

The flip side of this is: Do any of us really want the truth from our street, city, county, state, territory or nation?  Sometimes it's nice to be kept in the dark for plausible deniability or something to complain about later.  We might ask for the truth and they might even appear to be giving the whole truth and nothing but the truth but can you trust them?  Can you trust anyone?

Obviously, I'm dealing with trust issues at the moment.  Why I don't trust, whether or not I am trustworthy, is my integrity starched and pressed?  I'm wishing, again, that I can go back on my word with my Mom, I promised she could stay with me until she decides to leave.  I gave my word.  Everyone thinks I'm nuts.  I am nuts, I think we know that already. :-)  I feel I am trustworthy, it's just the rest of the world (and eternity) that I'm trying to trust.

I'd ask you to wish me luck, but I don't know if I can trust you to be sincere....

New Years Resolutions

For those that know me I am something of a New Years Resolution fiend.  I have a theme, and how that theme will work in each facet of my life.  My theme this year is HEALTH.  And to be healthy I need to write.  So armed with that ubiquitous theme I am going to resolve to do at least two blogs a month.  I've been so self-absorbed the past year.  Literally self absorbed to the point that I've turned my insides out and I'm still trying to put things back where they belong.  Believe me,  it wasn't fun.  Maybe I'll share some of those lessons learned in the coming year, maybe I'll just share the bits and pieces that make a life worth the taxes we pay for it.  No matter what it is, please hold on, as in most of our lives, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

An Unbroken Heart Gathers No Soul

Tinman can be quoted as saying "Now I know I've got a heart --- 'cuse it's breaking"  It hurts, getting your heart broken.  Whether it is your emotional heart, your intellectual heart or your social heart, all need to crack the crusty shell, shatter it's once held beliefs and sentiments in order to grow. Luckily for us and Tinman, our hearts are like a Timex watch: Takes a Licking and Keeps on Ticking.

This isn't some dumb-ass war cry to go out and break every heart you can get your hands on, it's not nice to be the breaker and even less fun to be the breakee.  I'm saying be open to the breaking, so you can grow.  So often I've walked around town, driven through blighted areas in the urban areas and hold my breath until I'm back in 'safe' surroundings.  I try not to see the disheveled people leaning in doorways to keep warm and dry.  "It's their choice", is one of my favorite emotional barricades to hide behind, which is right next to the second favorite of "It's the City's job to take care of them."  That's not to say I don't help out when I can.  I put coinage and sometimes even cashy money into poor boxes when asked, I'll buy a meal for a someone who says their hungry, you know, doing my part.  Not that I need a pat on the back from anyone for doing that, I'm quite adept at patting my own back, thank you very much.  But it's not enough any more.

One of my favorite made-up words is ectopherisis (ekto-fer ee sis), it's a combination word of ectoplasm (If you're a Ghostbusters fan you know that word) and Pheresis which is the process of separating out the different components of the blood in order to harvest white blood cells and plasma.  Together it is the process in which our spiritual selves shed our ephemeral skin, like a snake, in order for us to grow spiritually and emotionally to the next level.  Just like a snake it normally requires you to bang your head on a sharp rock, or for the sake of this blog, get your heart broken to get things started.  When our hearts are frozen from the banality of every day life we turn a blind eye to the suffering of our own and of the world around us.  If you are suffering you look at your fellow sojourner and proclaim to yourself that your suffering is far more painful to theirs.  That egoism is a trap, it's the mortar that helps seal your heart behind the excuses for not taking a step to fix the problems in the world.  To be perfectly honest, it's a very comfortable place to be most of the time.  But then it happens.  Something, someone, somehow you are exposed to something truly touching or thought provoking or personally painful and your heart is shattered.  Then what do you do?  You're in pieces....

I say revel in it.  Don't try to pull the pieces back together because you will never be the same person you will be before it broke.  And, honestly, do you really want to be that person ever again?  Some people do, some people abhor change (and seriously, I'm one of them), but you need it to grow.  If you don't turn the soil, add fresh compost and new seeds you will never reap the harvest of a well rounded soul.  We only have this life to live, shouldn't we live it mindful of ourselves and mindful of the pain around us?

The impetus that brought on this blog was watching Dianne Sawyer on 20/20 showing us the Hidden America: Children of the Plains.  I realized my simple "They choose to live like that" or "The Government should fix it, that's why we pay taxes," doesn't cover the horrific lives the Lakota Sioux Indians are living at Pine Ridge, SD.  Though I'm not faring much better financially, I'm determined to get a box of school supplies together, even if I have to raid my own personal stock-pile of office supplies and send it to them.  I hope, as my employment betters, or if my book is published, I will be in a better position to help more.  My heart broke when I saw the drawing of a little girl showing herself hanging and both of her wrists slashed with puddles of blood on the floor.  This was a doodle, it wasn't a psyche evaluation.   It was heart-wrenching.  Not just because she is too young to have those thoughts but because I know what it's like to have those thoughts.  The tribe helped her in many ways, one was to give her an Indian name, something like, She Who Stands During Storms.  It gave her strength, and seeing her improve over the course of the hour gave me strength.  And so my heart ticks anew.....

Remember, Tinman always had a heart, he was just frozen for so long that it took the loss of his friend to hear it ticking again.

Procrastination

It is said that Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.  In my case, it feel like trying to keep up with last week.  Especially when it comes to something that I want desperately but don't want my toes stepped on or my heart crushed again.  I'm talking about submitting my manuscript to WiDo.  The query letter thing has always been a bit of a block for me.  I've tried to be witty, I've tried to be businesslike, I've tried to be professional, I've tried to be persuasive, but no matter what I've tried I can't seem to get published.  I have had some very positive feedback from the different people that have read my work, even getting to the final phase of reading when it's voted on as to whether or not it should be published....but it was a no.  I want to be able to support myself with my writing, but it's never going to happen as long as I keep dragging my feet and daydreaming that I'll stumble into a VP at a big publishing house who sees my potential and wit as the next big thing in publishing and signs me on the spot.  And I'm not completely deluded into thinking that I can actually make a great living as a published author.  In truth only a handful get the $1 million dollar advances for their work, which is why I became a phlebotomist, but it's good to have goals.

So, I wrote the query letter for WiDo last week, or it could even be the week before, I forget.  My brain has been swimming in it's own miasma lately, so memory is kind of obscured in the fog.  I took the approach of answering the points they wanted me to cover. Information about myself and my writing, I gave them the "elevator" pitch for the book, and then my activity in social networking and how I would use it to help them market my work.  (Yes, dear reader, you will be updated step-by-important-step of the process when it is accepted for publication.  And more than likely you will be the fifth group of people I notify of my glorious news).  Each section is headed and then a paragraph or two would be under it for ease of reading.  I'd post it here, the query letter, if I thought it would give me an edge, but I think I just need to print it, edit it and then paste it into an e-mail with my first three chapters and send it off.  Why is it that something that looks so simple on paper feel like moving a fifty ton boulder up an 180 degree hill? 

The funny thing is, it's not like I've had a hundred or so "No's" for this project, it's actually been less than 10.  Most people get that done and over with and take on even more before breakfast and don't let something as simple as a little word stop them from their dreams becoming a reality.  Maybe that's the true fear for me....my dreams becoming a reality.  Not to sound morose or anything, but there is a little hermit inside my head that believes as soon as your accomplish everything you've wanted  to accomplish, you die.  He's not very popular with the cool kids in my head, hence the hermit status.  I won't die, I know that because I am always setting goals, always setting the bar higher and always wanting more, which is just human nature as we all know it.  So, Hermit be gone, I'm sending it out on Friday so they can print it up and take it home for the weekend!  Wish me luck!

The Thick and Thin of It

I've taken the first step into medically assisted  life-long change.  I'm thinking about the Lap Band surgery to aid in my losing weight and hopefully putting some of my endocrine issues to rest for good. My body has thrown up some good arguments to the contrary but I've decided to go onto the next step of the process and talk to my doctor about it.  Am I fluffy?  Yes.  Am I all fluff, no.  I've never really dealt with the idea that I'm overweight until I have to go shopping for clothes.  I try never to look at myself in a full length mirror because, well, they lie.  My image of myself has always been a brain with a mouth on legs.  I try not to think of myself as a physical being.  Kind of like Mr. Bunny over there....he's not just fluffy, but that's all people see.

I've lost a ton of weight once, almost 150lbs (I was like 1-3 lbs off) and it caused some bad wiring in my head and I lost myself, if at 22 anyone really has themselves.  I have me now, I know who I am, what I want to become and I am firmly facing the direction I want to go.  So now, do I want to carry with me just emotional baggage or a steamer trunk of bricks along for the ride?  There are cosmetic issues with the different surgeries I will have to deal with along the way if I do it, and I'll have to give up some wonderfully dangerous practices, I'm going to have to learn to eat three meals a day and exercise more than the average bear, okay more than the average sloth, but I'm starting to believe, the more I think and talk and write about it, that it might actually be worth it.  (sorry for the run-on sentence, you'd think I'd know better by now.)

Am I Ready?

Okay, I know I railed against the amelioration's of the medical professionals towards the elderly in America.  When my mother finally presented with symptoms that didn't resemble a figment they took action.  We're waiting for her to get out of the procedure room for a dual-chamber pacemaker. Getting a little anxious because it's taking longer than what they said it would...even with the cushion for drugging, scrubbing and cutting. 

Am I ready for my mom to pass?  I don't know.  Yes, it would be the speeding up of my goals and life plans, and No because I feel like I've just gotten to a point where I can meet some emotional goals I have for both of us.  I know, I know I can't force my goals on anyone, no matter how good they are for them, but I can still set the goals.  I know I'm medicated enough to where I can handle it, well, be numb enough not to feel it until the initial stress wains and I can pick apart the emotions one-at-a-time and not be overwhelmed.  I don't like feeling overwhelmed.

Palliative Care in America

I'm not looking forward to old age.  I don't know of anyone that really is, but watching the slow descent of my mother into her, so called, golden years has become a painful warning of what will happen to everyone.  No one, no matter how good your genes are, how rich or how religious you are, if you aren't corralled by other demises will wither and die with the best of them.  I was talking with my mom this evening about her cardiologist reticence in giving her a pacemaker because she is continually maintaining a coma level pulse rate. (In the mid to high 40's).  He keeps poo-pooing her inquiries into a pacemaker and saying to keep taking her drugs and she'll be fine.  The thing is with such low heart rate she is unable to do anything on her own.  I'm not talking rebuilding car engines, I'm talking about making it to the front room from her bedroom without being completely exhausted and needing her oxygen.  I get that she's old, she's 82, but the woman still has spunk.  She has no problem in letting you know what's on her mind, even if she's a few years behind the current idioms of the day.  I'm almost afraid of what would happen if she got the gas to fuel her ambitions....scary.

I get that there isn't much that can be done for her, she's old.  The trend with her doctors seems to be give her some kind of pill to make it better.  I can't totally fault that method of care, I am the poster-child for better living through pharmacology and all, but these drugs seem to work in keeping her sedated.  She sleeps most of the day away and gets precious little out of watching TV and waiting for her kids and grand kids to drop in on her for a chat.  That truly is the extent of her life.

What is the crux of this blog is simple, I don't want to be a victim of palliative care.  I don't want to be put away in a home, away from the up-and-coming generations who fear the old and slowly dying.  I don't want to be drugged into a stupor because my heart inconveniently keeps pumping and brain keeps spinning.  Even if my body betrays me, that doesn't give the medical professionals permission to practice palliative medicine to make their own lives easier.

People keep yelling about Obama Care not being the solution, that it's tantamount to socialism, etc., etc.  But the current system, putting people in old-folks-homes and giving their care to the lowest bidder where they are medicated into a pseudo-death is no better than a concentration camp with hospital corners.  (sorry for the run-on sentence).   Okay, harsh, they don't have gas chambers (unless you consider industrial strength urine remover toxic?) and most of the doctors did get their degrees in the US, but the idea of putting a protected class away, where they are forgotten by their neighbors,weekend do-gooding for their kids with kids, and stock-piled like cord wood in sterile-ish facilities with shared commodes.  Indignities abound all in a days work by slightly more than minimum wage earners.  Whew, I'm glad I got that off my noggin.

I never thought I would be advocating for old-people.  I guess that's yet another indication that I'm growing up.  Damn!  I guess I'm not advocating for the elderly now, but advocating for  change before the family carts me off to the farm.

Flight for Tomorrow - A Goal for Today

I'm calmer today, so far.  That's saying it's calmer because Sammy and I are the only two up, so that makes things a little better.  I hope to keep getting up at the earlier hours so I can start getting all my work done before Mom gets up so I don't have to work around her.

I'm still wanting to just be alone.  To be completely cut off from the world and the people who annoy the crap out of me.  I want to fall head first into the narcissistic vein in my soul and revel in it like some of my family.  Yet, I've struggled so hard not to make my world start with "I" and then "Me" before "you" and "Us".  I my goal is to  become a world citizen, not just a drain on the world as a human.  I may never, ever make that big of a ripple in the wide ocean of need, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try.

What if, after the world turns for a new season in my life I find that the world pisses me off, I'll find a new cause, but for now, the idea is like a security blanket making me hopeful, and it makes me push forward so that someday I will be of use and not a waste to the world.  Essentially I'm earning my wings now to someday land on the world stage.

Choices Spawning Worlds

I'm all for science, don't get me wrong.  But how is it that scientists just have to put forth math (a dubious proof for me because I can't do math without a calculator, computer and some sort of anti-anxiety medication to figure things out) but religion has to put what they believe in a solid form.  I was watching Naked Science on the Nat Geo channel, they were discussing light and the theory of multiple worlds and the multi-universe.  Though these theories were very intriguing, they are just theories.  Which is why I guess the people that put them forth are called theoretical physicists. (doh) 

Choices can spawn complete different universes.  Think about that for a minute.  If everyone on the planet made a choice between paper or plastic at the same time that would create 7.2 billion new worlds just on that stupid choice, seems kind of, I dunno, as far fetched as there being a God in Heaven is to the atheists.  Again, I'm not saying science is wrong, just showing me numbers that somehow prove what they can't hand to me and prove seems just far fetched.  Now, if you want to say major choices, like marriage or no, children or no, gay or straight, believer or heathen, then I could grasp it.  I could see a "stupid choice' world could come into being, like the trash can on your desktop where all your stupid choices and irrelevant choices go to live (In fact there are days that make me feel like I'm living there now).  I know, logic denotes linear thinking, mine is more spacey-wacy and timey-wimey for science.  And I know I'm going to hear it from the atheists and heathens in my family for this opinion, but it's just; that mine and an opinion.

I know the universe is infinite, but so is God.  I know we can postulate about universes and traveling at the speed of light to our hearts content.  But if you look at it from a purely proof-driven point of view, if we have multi-universes, multi-worlds prove it.  Show it to me.  Without the proof it is no more than a heartfelt belief, not so different than ones belief in an omnipotent and benevolent Heavenly Father.  So, I put a challenge out there to the anti-God scientists out there: Prove it!

Tomorrow Is Always A Day Away

Little Orphan Annie sings that song in the play.  The thing of it is, it's always a day away.  It's never the now.  I have so many grand plans for the ever elusive tomorrow that I give myself on a pass for today.  I'll get up earlier tomorrow.  I'll get my room straightened out tomorrow.  I'll find a job tomorrow.  I'll train Sammy how to poop on command tomorrow.  I'll read a book tomorrow.  I'll get my laundry done tomorrow.  I'll shower tomorrow.  I'll take care of my blood sugar tomorrow.  I'll be happy tomorrow.  I'll be better tomorrow.  I won't be tomorrow.  Tomorrow always comes in that fleeting nanosecond between tick and tock before the chimes ring in the new day.  Then it's today, it's now, it's never.  But, there's always tomorrow.

Future Dreaming or Nightmare...You tell me...

So, in the dream Hollywood controlled the world, all movies are interactive, instead of eating food we ate the chemicals they are preserved in, AND there is a resistance group to keep some basic moral boundaries in the government.  So, nightmare or what?

Don't say reality, because the dream was scary enough.