A New Trick for Halloween

I haven't planned on a costume this year.  Not that I've dressed up in dog years, but I think about it from time to time.  But this year, I think for a new trick, I will peel off a layer of my mask for a treat.  I've been pulling out the bulldozers and excavators to try and figure out why I'm not what I want to be, what I feel I'm supposed to be.  Mostly books have been my tool of choice so now I'm trying to gird my loins and actually start doing some of the things the learned authors are telling me to do.  So, for this Halloween, I'm going to try and take off my mask and see how long it takes me to get scared before I have to put it back on.  We all wear them, we have our work mask, our friendly mask, our pious mask and our flirty one.  We've used them from the start of our ascent into adulthood as a way to protect our inner child, and we become dependent upon them....okay, maybe the dependence is only me.  So, who's with me?  Is the world ready for that much truth?  Happy Halloween!

An Unbroken Heart Gathers No Soul

Tinman can be quoted as saying "Now I know I've got a heart --- 'cuse it's breaking"  It hurts, getting your heart broken.  Whether it is your emotional heart, your intellectual heart or your social heart, all need to crack the crusty shell, shatter it's once held beliefs and sentiments in order to grow. Luckily for us and Tinman, our hearts are like a Timex watch: Takes a Licking and Keeps on Ticking.

This isn't some dumb-ass war cry to go out and break every heart you can get your hands on, it's not nice to be the breaker and even less fun to be the breakee.  I'm saying be open to the breaking, so you can grow.  So often I've walked around town, driven through blighted areas in the urban areas and hold my breath until I'm back in 'safe' surroundings.  I try not to see the disheveled people leaning in doorways to keep warm and dry.  "It's their choice", is one of my favorite emotional barricades to hide behind, which is right next to the second favorite of "It's the City's job to take care of them."  That's not to say I don't help out when I can.  I put coinage and sometimes even cashy money into poor boxes when asked, I'll buy a meal for a someone who says their hungry, you know, doing my part.  Not that I need a pat on the back from anyone for doing that, I'm quite adept at patting my own back, thank you very much.  But it's not enough any more.

One of my favorite made-up words is ectopherisis (ekto-fer ee sis), it's a combination word of ectoplasm (If you're a Ghostbusters fan you know that word) and Pheresis which is the process of separating out the different components of the blood in order to harvest white blood cells and plasma.  Together it is the process in which our spiritual selves shed our ephemeral skin, like a snake, in order for us to grow spiritually and emotionally to the next level.  Just like a snake it normally requires you to bang your head on a sharp rock, or for the sake of this blog, get your heart broken to get things started.  When our hearts are frozen from the banality of every day life we turn a blind eye to the suffering of our own and of the world around us.  If you are suffering you look at your fellow sojourner and proclaim to yourself that your suffering is far more painful to theirs.  That egoism is a trap, it's the mortar that helps seal your heart behind the excuses for not taking a step to fix the problems in the world.  To be perfectly honest, it's a very comfortable place to be most of the time.  But then it happens.  Something, someone, somehow you are exposed to something truly touching or thought provoking or personally painful and your heart is shattered.  Then what do you do?  You're in pieces....

I say revel in it.  Don't try to pull the pieces back together because you will never be the same person you will be before it broke.  And, honestly, do you really want to be that person ever again?  Some people do, some people abhor change (and seriously, I'm one of them), but you need it to grow.  If you don't turn the soil, add fresh compost and new seeds you will never reap the harvest of a well rounded soul.  We only have this life to live, shouldn't we live it mindful of ourselves and mindful of the pain around us?

The impetus that brought on this blog was watching Dianne Sawyer on 20/20 showing us the Hidden America: Children of the Plains.  I realized my simple "They choose to live like that" or "The Government should fix it, that's why we pay taxes," doesn't cover the horrific lives the Lakota Sioux Indians are living at Pine Ridge, SD.  Though I'm not faring much better financially, I'm determined to get a box of school supplies together, even if I have to raid my own personal stock-pile of office supplies and send it to them.  I hope, as my employment betters, or if my book is published, I will be in a better position to help more.  My heart broke when I saw the drawing of a little girl showing herself hanging and both of her wrists slashed with puddles of blood on the floor.  This was a doodle, it wasn't a psyche evaluation.   It was heart-wrenching.  Not just because she is too young to have those thoughts but because I know what it's like to have those thoughts.  The tribe helped her in many ways, one was to give her an Indian name, something like, She Who Stands During Storms.  It gave her strength, and seeing her improve over the course of the hour gave me strength.  And so my heart ticks anew.....

Remember, Tinman always had a heart, he was just frozen for so long that it took the loss of his friend to hear it ticking again.

Themes in Dreams

I'm sure you know by now that I have extra-ordinary dreams, life like and even sometimes continuations of dreams that I've had days, weeks or even months before.  It's like I live a different life when I'm dreaming, sometimes hoping that the dream world is real and this day-to-day grind is a nightmare I keep falling into.  What I like most about dreaming is being able to jump into the air and fly.  Flying has got to be my absolute favorite dream element.  It's supposed to mean you are happy.  Needless to say, I haven't had one in a long, long while because of the stress of the waking world.  One theme that has always been with me for as long as I can remember is having to have to go home after being away and having to have to pack all my belonging back up and get them on the plane/car/train home again.  But there is just too much stuff.  I bring volumes of books, my bird, all my make-up even though I only wear it in real life for a special occasion or when I'm going to get my picture taken.  The stress of finding a way to get it all back home again is often more than I can deal with and I'm stymied to do anything at all.  Last night, I'm happy to report that I was able to get everything home, even Sammy (my parrot) I secured in a zipped compartment on my carry on. 
This is what it means according to www.dreammoods.com

To dream that you are packing, signifies big changes ahead for you. You are putting past issues to rest or past relationships behind you. Alternatively, it represents the burdens that you carry.

To dream that you are packing, unpacking and packing and unpacking again, represents chaos in your life. You are feeling overwhelmed with the various things you are juggling in your life. You are carrying around too many burdens and need to let go. Consider what unfinished business you have to tend to. Try to resolve these issues so they can finally be put to rest.

My interpretation of the interpretation is since I'm packing to go home, and constantly packing and unpacking to repack to make more room for what I need to bring home would be that I've been away from my self too long and caught up in the chaos that is my life.  Home for me is writing, which was brought home with accuracy last year when I was doing National Novel Writing Month and I completed a novel in 30 days (actually more like 26).  Home for me is creating stories and blogging and doing projects that help me think in different angels and direction I never would have before.  That is home for me.  In my dreams I'm very covetous over my books, my writing items and, of course, Sammy.  I think it's telling me that I need to shed, both physically and emotionally, the things that really aren't that important to me getting back home.  Getting home, being a full time fiction writer, is the goal, not to tote all my excess baggage around with me until I'm too exhausted to do anything I deem of worth.

Yes, that is a picture of my parrot Sammy.  She's doing her "Pretty Girl" trick.

Editing in Real Life

I've been editing my second book, a girl meets genealogy and stirs up some ghosts of her families past, it's a fun story and I enjoy re-running certain points in my head because they're entertaining, but editing.....I hate editing.  It points out that I wasn't good enough to get it right in the first draft.  Not that anyone really does, I know, but that is the goal that I strive for.  And true to form, I will find anything else to do other than editing, like, I dunno Blogging perhaps? hehe  As I was driving around town today, looking at antique shops for a cool cane for my Mom and a nice poison cabinet for when I start making poisons (whole other long story, they aren't for human use or animal use either, I've not found any Borgia in my blood-line...)  I was looking at editing from a whole-life perspective instead of just as a tiresome job to do after writing. 

How often do we find ourselves like bonsai trees, edited to an ascetically consumable standard.  We grow, push our roots out further and as soon as we start to show growth we clip ourselves back into shape, never allowed to really wiggle our roots in a loamy soil.  We bend and clamp ourselves into different positions until we can do nothing else.  Yes, we're beautiful, but are we happy?  Everyone is confined to their dishes, be it large or small, and though we see the trees in the wild and even envy them at times, but no one would trade their cozy, warm, manicured life for the opportunity to grow big and tall and then shot down by lightning or rotted out by mold. 

How much editing is needed though?  I mean seriously, how much should we keep and how much should we redact from our every day life to 'fit in' or to be loved?  I guess it comes down to what kind of bonsai you are.  If you are a palm, a ficus or maple tree and what ever other kind of bonsais there are out there.  I like the tree I picked for this piece, it shows the seasons, it changes every few months.  I'd like to believe that my personal editing makes way for new growth without out-growing my roots or pot I have to grow in this life.  Both humble and proud, showy and coy, stalwart and flaky in one big bottomed bowl. Yea, that's me!

Procrastination

It is said that Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.  In my case, it feel like trying to keep up with last week.  Especially when it comes to something that I want desperately but don't want my toes stepped on or my heart crushed again.  I'm talking about submitting my manuscript to WiDo.  The query letter thing has always been a bit of a block for me.  I've tried to be witty, I've tried to be businesslike, I've tried to be professional, I've tried to be persuasive, but no matter what I've tried I can't seem to get published.  I have had some very positive feedback from the different people that have read my work, even getting to the final phase of reading when it's voted on as to whether or not it should be published....but it was a no.  I want to be able to support myself with my writing, but it's never going to happen as long as I keep dragging my feet and daydreaming that I'll stumble into a VP at a big publishing house who sees my potential and wit as the next big thing in publishing and signs me on the spot.  And I'm not completely deluded into thinking that I can actually make a great living as a published author.  In truth only a handful get the $1 million dollar advances for their work, which is why I became a phlebotomist, but it's good to have goals.

So, I wrote the query letter for WiDo last week, or it could even be the week before, I forget.  My brain has been swimming in it's own miasma lately, so memory is kind of obscured in the fog.  I took the approach of answering the points they wanted me to cover. Information about myself and my writing, I gave them the "elevator" pitch for the book, and then my activity in social networking and how I would use it to help them market my work.  (Yes, dear reader, you will be updated step-by-important-step of the process when it is accepted for publication.  And more than likely you will be the fifth group of people I notify of my glorious news).  Each section is headed and then a paragraph or two would be under it for ease of reading.  I'd post it here, the query letter, if I thought it would give me an edge, but I think I just need to print it, edit it and then paste it into an e-mail with my first three chapters and send it off.  Why is it that something that looks so simple on paper feel like moving a fifty ton boulder up an 180 degree hill? 

The funny thing is, it's not like I've had a hundred or so "No's" for this project, it's actually been less than 10.  Most people get that done and over with and take on even more before breakfast and don't let something as simple as a little word stop them from their dreams becoming a reality.  Maybe that's the true fear for me....my dreams becoming a reality.  Not to sound morose or anything, but there is a little hermit inside my head that believes as soon as your accomplish everything you've wanted  to accomplish, you die.  He's not very popular with the cool kids in my head, hence the hermit status.  I won't die, I know that because I am always setting goals, always setting the bar higher and always wanting more, which is just human nature as we all know it.  So, Hermit be gone, I'm sending it out on Friday so they can print it up and take it home for the weekend!  Wish me luck!

My New Favorite Opera: Turnadot

The Thick and Thin of It

I've taken the first step into medically assisted  life-long change.  I'm thinking about the Lap Band surgery to aid in my losing weight and hopefully putting some of my endocrine issues to rest for good. My body has thrown up some good arguments to the contrary but I've decided to go onto the next step of the process and talk to my doctor about it.  Am I fluffy?  Yes.  Am I all fluff, no.  I've never really dealt with the idea that I'm overweight until I have to go shopping for clothes.  I try never to look at myself in a full length mirror because, well, they lie.  My image of myself has always been a brain with a mouth on legs.  I try not to think of myself as a physical being.  Kind of like Mr. Bunny over there....he's not just fluffy, but that's all people see.

I've lost a ton of weight once, almost 150lbs (I was like 1-3 lbs off) and it caused some bad wiring in my head and I lost myself, if at 22 anyone really has themselves.  I have me now, I know who I am, what I want to become and I am firmly facing the direction I want to go.  So now, do I want to carry with me just emotional baggage or a steamer trunk of bricks along for the ride?  There are cosmetic issues with the different surgeries I will have to deal with along the way if I do it, and I'll have to give up some wonderfully dangerous practices, I'm going to have to learn to eat three meals a day and exercise more than the average bear, okay more than the average sloth, but I'm starting to believe, the more I think and talk and write about it, that it might actually be worth it.  (sorry for the run-on sentence, you'd think I'd know better by now.)

Have I Forgiven the Terrorists of 9/11?

The US is a nation that prides itself on freedom of religion.  We have the most religions, I believe, in the world.  We cover everything from the classic minister and congregation to Paganism with their nature deities to fundamentalism in every sect.  We are, in that sense free.  Each religion demands a sort of forgiveness for those who trespass against us in order to be forgiven.  But can we forgive the selfish and senseless actions of the pilots, the fierce intent to kill the infidels?  I'm still not sure it was a religious attack, just perfectly hidden behind a religious facade.  The politics are too convoluted for a non political chess master.  So, I am left with my Christian roots and blooming Buddhist values.....Can I-Have I forgive the terrorists that took away the innocence of the United States in an attempt to force us into an extreme way of life to make them heroes in their heavens?

I don't like calling them murderers, even though through the first degree murder description in the CPC calls for a show of "real intent and malice aforethought".  They definitely had forethought and will a real intent they took to learning to fly, to setting their affairs in order and got on the planes with every intention to kill and to die. 

I'm trying to pull back and look at their intent.  Yes, they were motivated by a heaven full of virgins for their sacrifice.  It was all the rage to make jokes about it after 9/11 and at times are still used as punch-lines today.  I feel that is as wrong as spitting on the Pope.  No, I don't approve of their form of proselyting, but that is what they were doing.  Missionary work, no matter what the religion, its intent is to change the fundamental attitudes, lifestyle and eternal path of the average person.  I was a missionary, though I didn't have a personal fatwa to convert or kill but I did have a jihad to help as many people as I could to make their lives better....one child at a time.  What they did with one devastating sweeping gesture (requiring people to change their ways of life) I did by walking door-to-door handing out books and teaching lessons in homes.  (Yes, you need to take out the whole killing part...which I admit is hard)

I go back to the general question....have I forgiven them?  No, no one I knew died in the towers or in the field or at the Pentagon.  I was blessed in that regard.  Having used our inept security measures against us, destroying lives, forcing us into a new political paradigm based on fear instead of freedom, and destroying my idealism of the US and shaking my concept of general security?  Have I forgiven them for taking away my innocence in the wars of the world?  I don't think so.  Not because I have tried, because I haven't.  Once my mind was numbed from all the reports on TV, the comedians trying to lighten the situation by easing pain of our losses, the chatter on the street as well as then my personal unemployment, my general hatred of life in general and abstract, I just walled it up and tried to never visit it again.  So, I would have to say I've never said the words to the masterminds (symbolically of course), to the terrorists that flew the plane, etc.  Of course the fear comes up: If I forgive them does that mean I condone what they did?  Does it mean I'm okay with them doing this again, and again to us because we are turning the other cheek? Does this mean I am sullying the lives lost of the men and women, children and heroes of that day?  I think all those answers are a general NO.  Forgiveness isn't about hurting, it's about healing.  God will sort out and judge/punish as He sees fit.   To forgive means you aren't carrying around so much baggage that when it is time for the blessing of forgiveness to wash over you, you will have full redemption and it not be sidetracked by trying to pry your judgements off you.  It's not just saying the words either, you have to forgive.  True, it's easier for me, like I said before, because I don't have a dog in the fight, so they say, but I did loose my child-like wonder of being an American. 

No, I haven't forgiven them.  Dragging up all these ideas has made me dislike them even more.  But, today, I plan to take a moment of silence and express my forgiveness to them as I ask a  blessing for the families of all to be blessed with the charity of the heavens to help heal the wounds of such violent intents.

Monkey In The Middle

I had two brothers who, in general, never came together on anything.  One was a sweet, innately loving soul the other was a vicious sociopathic bully.  The one thing that built the bridge between them was the opportunity to terrorize their three younger sisters.  Their favorite game? Monkey in the middle with anything of value to us.  It's not a game that the person in the middle ever wins.  It normally ends when the two perpetrators get tired and go away to reek havoc somewhere else.  The Monkey never, ever wins because brothers that are 11 and 13 years older than you will always be bigger and stronger than you.  The only hope for revenge is to wait until their children are old enough to have special attachments to dolls, balls, or teddy bears and return the favor.

Why bring this up you ask?  The whole political climate has made me feel as vulnerable as that little girl was being terrorized by the two opposites in the house.  We have the Right and the Left fighting for their values, not for the people they represent.  Instead of getting things done (the teddy bear between them) they are constantly volleying it back and forth to each other in verbal skirmishes so nothing gets done.  The teddy bear goes back and forth while the monkey (middle-of-the-road citizens) are exhausting themselves with trying to make due with their shrinking finances, the fears of loosing their job, the anxiety of trying to find a job while raising the next generation in a pseudo-economic depression. (I know they call it a recession, but that's like calling an iPad a chalk slate....they both record information...sorta).  The political pundents are more concerned with their ratings and will say just about anything to tip the scales in their favor.  Taking words out of context or adding a word to fluff up an image of intelligence, or in most cases, idiocy in order to inflame their more slack-jaw viewers arming them for their personal political rants with their friends of the other political persuasion. The media would have you believe that the majority has voted these idiots into office, but the truth is the majority of the people that vote voted these idiots into office, or they vote like me....the lesser of the evils....and then the lesser evil pulls a Jekyll/Hyde us.

The one thing that really annoys the beegeeses out of me is with all the ranting, all the railing against one another in DC, no one takes the time to suggest a fix.  Each side is cemented in their dogma of, to quote Mr. W "My way or the Highway" position.  I'm not talking just Republicans here, but Democrats as well.  If they take the time to write a comment for the press, couldn't they spend just as much time to make a suggestion for a fix so both sides can be happy....or at least less miserable.  Too much time is spent posturing to each other and the monkeys in the middle are too busy to stand up and tell them to put a sock in it and get back to work.  Which is what literally needs to be done.  If any of us spent more time on office politics than getting their job done we'd be hitting the bricks with the other millions of unemployed.  It's just that simple.  However, when you are in the service of the people, apparently office-politics is all you have to be skilled in.

So, here I am, saying that they need to come up with a solution instead of fighting between each other.  There is no difference between the ordinary (me) person and a politicians so here are my solutions for this situation....

• Every one, no matter what your political interests are, VOTE!  And vote for the ones that aren't in the extremes just because they are they are your party d'jour.  Study out the candidates and then find the one that you feel will best serve your interests.
• Set time limits on bills writing, rebuttals, votes and passings.  For example, if a need arises, a bi/tri/multi party committee is pulled together and given three months to write the best solution to the bill that is possible, taking into account all the parties idyllic ideas and then present it for rebuttal to the heads of each party, who would have six weeks to come up with changes, modifications and deletions.  Then the original committee would have three weeks to fix it, if they feel it should be fixed.  Any time spent denigrating the bill in the media is deducted from the time for that group/committee has for making adjustments.  Then after about six months bills should be able to pass through and we wouldn't have the congressional constipation that seems to keep things from passing.
• All politicians should be required to keep a wiki or a blog that explains why they voted the way they did, especially if it's against the way their constituents want.  Their constituents should have access to a voting application on that site where they can go in and cast a vote or post an opinion.
• No "extra" stuff on bills that have nothing at all to do with the bill itself so their won't be any more bribes for votes any more.  All monies need to be accounted for an posted on-line.  We have the technology people, we should be using it.
• If a politician doesn't show up to vote, they don't get paid.  If I don't work I don't get paid, why should they?  Why can't we hold them to the same work standard as the rest of the US.
• They should have to post every meeting they have with a lobbyist, special interest, the minutes from those meetings and any contributions/junkets/parties that take place.  They should be limited to how many they can see and heavy penalties to their office (their paycheck, I mean) should be levied for every infraction.

There are a few more but this should give you an idea of what can happen if we all get involved in shaping our future.  Yes, we are at almost the very bottom of our economic foundation.  Everything we have always come know and believe in in our government is either gone or in a state of flux.  This is scary, yes, but it is also a blessing.  We have the opportunity to rebuild the United States to our own ideals if we just take a small amount of time to vote, and to email our representatives and tell them what we feel they should be doing.  It's a leap of faith that we will be heard, but by not doing anything at all is only going to guarantee yourself misery.  We, the monkeys, need to rise, step out of the middle and demand what is rightfully ours!

Addictions: Good or Bad?

I'm addicted to:

• Diet soda with caffeine
• Playing Vegas style solitaire on my computer until the battery wares out
• Chocolate
• Doctor Who
• Parrots and other unique birds
• Humongous marshmallows
• Chocolate
• Ice Cream
• Oatmeal Raisin Cranberry cookies from Safeway
• Outrageous Oatmeal Cookies from Starbucks
• Peanut butter and honey mixed together
• Sleeping
• M&Ms
• Hersey products

Why can't I be addicted to something that's good for me, like:

• Reading my scriptures
• Performing Christlike Service
• Exercising
• Eating three meals a day

So, is addiction bad when it's something good for you?  Addiction, in and of itself is bad, right?  I dunno.