Procrastination

It is said that Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.  In my case, it feel like trying to keep up with last week.  Especially when it comes to something that I want desperately but don't want my toes stepped on or my heart crushed again.  I'm talking about submitting my manuscript to WiDo.  The query letter thing has always been a bit of a block for me.  I've tried to be witty, I've tried to be businesslike, I've tried to be professional, I've tried to be persuasive, but no matter what I've tried I can't seem to get published.  I have had some very positive feedback from the different people that have read my work, even getting to the final phase of reading when it's voted on as to whether or not it should be published....but it was a no.  I want to be able to support myself with my writing, but it's never going to happen as long as I keep dragging my feet and daydreaming that I'll stumble into a VP at a big publishing house who sees my potential and wit as the next big thing in publishing and signs me on the spot.  And I'm not completely deluded into thinking that I can actually make a great living as a published author.  In truth only a handful get the $1 million dollar advances for their work, which is why I became a phlebotomist, but it's good to have goals.

So, I wrote the query letter for WiDo last week, or it could even be the week before, I forget.  My brain has been swimming in it's own miasma lately, so memory is kind of obscured in the fog.  I took the approach of answering the points they wanted me to cover. Information about myself and my writing, I gave them the "elevator" pitch for the book, and then my activity in social networking and how I would use it to help them market my work.  (Yes, dear reader, you will be updated step-by-important-step of the process when it is accepted for publication.  And more than likely you will be the fifth group of people I notify of my glorious news).  Each section is headed and then a paragraph or two would be under it for ease of reading.  I'd post it here, the query letter, if I thought it would give me an edge, but I think I just need to print it, edit it and then paste it into an e-mail with my first three chapters and send it off.  Why is it that something that looks so simple on paper feel like moving a fifty ton boulder up an 180 degree hill? 

The funny thing is, it's not like I've had a hundred or so "No's" for this project, it's actually been less than 10.  Most people get that done and over with and take on even more before breakfast and don't let something as simple as a little word stop them from their dreams becoming a reality.  Maybe that's the true fear for me....my dreams becoming a reality.  Not to sound morose or anything, but there is a little hermit inside my head that believes as soon as your accomplish everything you've wanted  to accomplish, you die.  He's not very popular with the cool kids in my head, hence the hermit status.  I won't die, I know that because I am always setting goals, always setting the bar higher and always wanting more, which is just human nature as we all know it.  So, Hermit be gone, I'm sending it out on Friday so they can print it up and take it home for the weekend!  Wish me luck!

My New Favorite Opera: Turnadot

The Thick and Thin of It

I've taken the first step into medically assisted  life-long change.  I'm thinking about the Lap Band surgery to aid in my losing weight and hopefully putting some of my endocrine issues to rest for good. My body has thrown up some good arguments to the contrary but I've decided to go onto the next step of the process and talk to my doctor about it.  Am I fluffy?  Yes.  Am I all fluff, no.  I've never really dealt with the idea that I'm overweight until I have to go shopping for clothes.  I try never to look at myself in a full length mirror because, well, they lie.  My image of myself has always been a brain with a mouth on legs.  I try not to think of myself as a physical being.  Kind of like Mr. Bunny over there....he's not just fluffy, but that's all people see.

I've lost a ton of weight once, almost 150lbs (I was like 1-3 lbs off) and it caused some bad wiring in my head and I lost myself, if at 22 anyone really has themselves.  I have me now, I know who I am, what I want to become and I am firmly facing the direction I want to go.  So now, do I want to carry with me just emotional baggage or a steamer trunk of bricks along for the ride?  There are cosmetic issues with the different surgeries I will have to deal with along the way if I do it, and I'll have to give up some wonderfully dangerous practices, I'm going to have to learn to eat three meals a day and exercise more than the average bear, okay more than the average sloth, but I'm starting to believe, the more I think and talk and write about it, that it might actually be worth it.  (sorry for the run-on sentence, you'd think I'd know better by now.)

Have I Forgiven the Terrorists of 9/11?

The US is a nation that prides itself on freedom of religion.  We have the most religions, I believe, in the world.  We cover everything from the classic minister and congregation to Paganism with their nature deities to fundamentalism in every sect.  We are, in that sense free.  Each religion demands a sort of forgiveness for those who trespass against us in order to be forgiven.  But can we forgive the selfish and senseless actions of the pilots, the fierce intent to kill the infidels?  I'm still not sure it was a religious attack, just perfectly hidden behind a religious facade.  The politics are too convoluted for a non political chess master.  So, I am left with my Christian roots and blooming Buddhist values.....Can I-Have I forgive the terrorists that took away the innocence of the United States in an attempt to force us into an extreme way of life to make them heroes in their heavens?

I don't like calling them murderers, even though through the first degree murder description in the CPC calls for a show of "real intent and malice aforethought".  They definitely had forethought and will a real intent they took to learning to fly, to setting their affairs in order and got on the planes with every intention to kill and to die. 

I'm trying to pull back and look at their intent.  Yes, they were motivated by a heaven full of virgins for their sacrifice.  It was all the rage to make jokes about it after 9/11 and at times are still used as punch-lines today.  I feel that is as wrong as spitting on the Pope.  No, I don't approve of their form of proselyting, but that is what they were doing.  Missionary work, no matter what the religion, its intent is to change the fundamental attitudes, lifestyle and eternal path of the average person.  I was a missionary, though I didn't have a personal fatwa to convert or kill but I did have a jihad to help as many people as I could to make their lives better....one child at a time.  What they did with one devastating sweeping gesture (requiring people to change their ways of life) I did by walking door-to-door handing out books and teaching lessons in homes.  (Yes, you need to take out the whole killing part...which I admit is hard)

I go back to the general question....have I forgiven them?  No, no one I knew died in the towers or in the field or at the Pentagon.  I was blessed in that regard.  Having used our inept security measures against us, destroying lives, forcing us into a new political paradigm based on fear instead of freedom, and destroying my idealism of the US and shaking my concept of general security?  Have I forgiven them for taking away my innocence in the wars of the world?  I don't think so.  Not because I have tried, because I haven't.  Once my mind was numbed from all the reports on TV, the comedians trying to lighten the situation by easing pain of our losses, the chatter on the street as well as then my personal unemployment, my general hatred of life in general and abstract, I just walled it up and tried to never visit it again.  So, I would have to say I've never said the words to the masterminds (symbolically of course), to the terrorists that flew the plane, etc.  Of course the fear comes up: If I forgive them does that mean I condone what they did?  Does it mean I'm okay with them doing this again, and again to us because we are turning the other cheek? Does this mean I am sullying the lives lost of the men and women, children and heroes of that day?  I think all those answers are a general NO.  Forgiveness isn't about hurting, it's about healing.  God will sort out and judge/punish as He sees fit.   To forgive means you aren't carrying around so much baggage that when it is time for the blessing of forgiveness to wash over you, you will have full redemption and it not be sidetracked by trying to pry your judgements off you.  It's not just saying the words either, you have to forgive.  True, it's easier for me, like I said before, because I don't have a dog in the fight, so they say, but I did loose my child-like wonder of being an American. 

No, I haven't forgiven them.  Dragging up all these ideas has made me dislike them even more.  But, today, I plan to take a moment of silence and express my forgiveness to them as I ask a  blessing for the families of all to be blessed with the charity of the heavens to help heal the wounds of such violent intents.

Monkey In The Middle

I had two brothers who, in general, never came together on anything.  One was a sweet, innately loving soul the other was a vicious sociopathic bully.  The one thing that built the bridge between them was the opportunity to terrorize their three younger sisters.  Their favorite game? Monkey in the middle with anything of value to us.  It's not a game that the person in the middle ever wins.  It normally ends when the two perpetrators get tired and go away to reek havoc somewhere else.  The Monkey never, ever wins because brothers that are 11 and 13 years older than you will always be bigger and stronger than you.  The only hope for revenge is to wait until their children are old enough to have special attachments to dolls, balls, or teddy bears and return the favor.

Why bring this up you ask?  The whole political climate has made me feel as vulnerable as that little girl was being terrorized by the two opposites in the house.  We have the Right and the Left fighting for their values, not for the people they represent.  Instead of getting things done (the teddy bear between them) they are constantly volleying it back and forth to each other in verbal skirmishes so nothing gets done.  The teddy bear goes back and forth while the monkey (middle-of-the-road citizens) are exhausting themselves with trying to make due with their shrinking finances, the fears of loosing their job, the anxiety of trying to find a job while raising the next generation in a pseudo-economic depression. (I know they call it a recession, but that's like calling an iPad a chalk slate....they both record information...sorta).  The political pundents are more concerned with their ratings and will say just about anything to tip the scales in their favor.  Taking words out of context or adding a word to fluff up an image of intelligence, or in most cases, idiocy in order to inflame their more slack-jaw viewers arming them for their personal political rants with their friends of the other political persuasion. The media would have you believe that the majority has voted these idiots into office, but the truth is the majority of the people that vote voted these idiots into office, or they vote like me....the lesser of the evils....and then the lesser evil pulls a Jekyll/Hyde us.

The one thing that really annoys the beegeeses out of me is with all the ranting, all the railing against one another in DC, no one takes the time to suggest a fix.  Each side is cemented in their dogma of, to quote Mr. W "My way or the Highway" position.  I'm not talking just Republicans here, but Democrats as well.  If they take the time to write a comment for the press, couldn't they spend just as much time to make a suggestion for a fix so both sides can be happy....or at least less miserable.  Too much time is spent posturing to each other and the monkeys in the middle are too busy to stand up and tell them to put a sock in it and get back to work.  Which is what literally needs to be done.  If any of us spent more time on office politics than getting their job done we'd be hitting the bricks with the other millions of unemployed.  It's just that simple.  However, when you are in the service of the people, apparently office-politics is all you have to be skilled in.

So, here I am, saying that they need to come up with a solution instead of fighting between each other.  There is no difference between the ordinary (me) person and a politicians so here are my solutions for this situation....

• Every one, no matter what your political interests are, VOTE!  And vote for the ones that aren't in the extremes just because they are they are your party d'jour.  Study out the candidates and then find the one that you feel will best serve your interests.
• Set time limits on bills writing, rebuttals, votes and passings.  For example, if a need arises, a bi/tri/multi party committee is pulled together and given three months to write the best solution to the bill that is possible, taking into account all the parties idyllic ideas and then present it for rebuttal to the heads of each party, who would have six weeks to come up with changes, modifications and deletions.  Then the original committee would have three weeks to fix it, if they feel it should be fixed.  Any time spent denigrating the bill in the media is deducted from the time for that group/committee has for making adjustments.  Then after about six months bills should be able to pass through and we wouldn't have the congressional constipation that seems to keep things from passing.
• All politicians should be required to keep a wiki or a blog that explains why they voted the way they did, especially if it's against the way their constituents want.  Their constituents should have access to a voting application on that site where they can go in and cast a vote or post an opinion.
• No "extra" stuff on bills that have nothing at all to do with the bill itself so their won't be any more bribes for votes any more.  All monies need to be accounted for an posted on-line.  We have the technology people, we should be using it.
• If a politician doesn't show up to vote, they don't get paid.  If I don't work I don't get paid, why should they?  Why can't we hold them to the same work standard as the rest of the US.
• They should have to post every meeting they have with a lobbyist, special interest, the minutes from those meetings and any contributions/junkets/parties that take place.  They should be limited to how many they can see and heavy penalties to their office (their paycheck, I mean) should be levied for every infraction.

There are a few more but this should give you an idea of what can happen if we all get involved in shaping our future.  Yes, we are at almost the very bottom of our economic foundation.  Everything we have always come know and believe in in our government is either gone or in a state of flux.  This is scary, yes, but it is also a blessing.  We have the opportunity to rebuild the United States to our own ideals if we just take a small amount of time to vote, and to email our representatives and tell them what we feel they should be doing.  It's a leap of faith that we will be heard, but by not doing anything at all is only going to guarantee yourself misery.  We, the monkeys, need to rise, step out of the middle and demand what is rightfully ours!

Addictions: Good or Bad?

I'm addicted to:

• Diet soda with caffeine
• Playing Vegas style solitaire on my computer until the battery wares out
• Chocolate
• Doctor Who
• Parrots and other unique birds
• Humongous marshmallows
• Chocolate
• Ice Cream
• Oatmeal Raisin Cranberry cookies from Safeway
• Outrageous Oatmeal Cookies from Starbucks
• Peanut butter and honey mixed together
• Sleeping
• M&Ms
• Hersey products

Why can't I be addicted to something that's good for me, like:

• Reading my scriptures
• Performing Christlike Service
• Exercising
• Eating three meals a day

So, is addiction bad when it's something good for you?  Addiction, in and of itself is bad, right?  I dunno.

Pinch Me.....I think I'm dreaming!

You know how life goes, your down on your luck, you have a dour outlook and life gives you back what you put out; crap.  I'm learning this, or rather, been taught this, over and over again.  Living Buddha, Living Christ tells me I need to meditate to gain mindfulness in conjunction with Christ.  The When Anger Hurts book concurs with meditation to stifle the dark swirling emotions so I've been 'chanting' I Know Heavenly Father Loves Me from the Primary songbook using each phrase as a cue to breathe in and out and focus on the images it invokes. Or Praise God, From Whom All Blessings Flow, but either way it's the calming and security that I love from these exercises.  It's keeping me from spiralling me out of control.  So, my outlook as been a little more hopeful.  In order to to keep hope alive in my everyday life I've added a Hope journal to my journal and I mindfully choose the ideas/concepts/items I am hopeful for.  Just hoping is a new start for me. (Yea Me!)  So, what does all this have to do with my life?  I'll tell you....

• My sister has been promising me and promising me a job with the company she works with.  She has a had this possible job for me for months now.  It's a fast growing technology company and they need someone to do grunt type work.  It's, as she calls it, brain numbing, but I have enough going on not to want something that's going to take a lot of brain power.  And the plus side....it is real money, forty hours a week, no pressure, no required overtime, etc.  So, win-win-win for me.  Thank you C!
• I am now in charge of all of Mom's hours again, so, again money.  Not that I only hope for money, but trust me, I'm very mindful when it is absent.  I'm looking forward to being able to buy a few necessities as well as a few niceties.  Thank you Mom!
• This one is the most surprising, touching and generous act I had never expected.  P. was talking about selling his car because he doesn't want to have to put out extra money for something he feels he can live without.  Mom probed him as to what he would charge me if I were to buy the car.  Without hesitation he says's "If Aunt Pam needs it I'll give it to her."  Yea, I know, my jaw bounces off the floor every time I think of it.  He's my favorite right now.  True they have to teach me how to better handle a manual transmission, and though she doesn't know it, my best friend is going to have to teach and sit with me as I try to navigate the hills of San Francisco, but I feel like I'm up for the challenge.  To sweeten the gift, it needs about $1k of work, which C. is going to front me the money so it's running and safe for me learn on.  And the ABSOLUTE best thing?  It has AIR CONDITIONING..  You would understand if you've lived in California during heat waves and not have air conditioning for over 8years or so.

So, now I am on my way to supporting my little family again.  Sammy will be reacquainted with her vet, Mom will have all the things that make her life special and I will have a source for a savings, a little pot for the chance of a vacation, and maybe just a touch more for me. 

I change my mind, don't pinch me.  If I'm dreaming I don't want to wake up because I don't want to leave this world of hope that seems to be springing up around me.

-

Am I Ready?

Okay, I know I railed against the amelioration's of the medical professionals towards the elderly in America.  When my mother finally presented with symptoms that didn't resemble a figment they took action.  We're waiting for her to get out of the procedure room for a dual-chamber pacemaker. Getting a little anxious because it's taking longer than what they said it would...even with the cushion for drugging, scrubbing and cutting. 

Am I ready for my mom to pass?  I don't know.  Yes, it would be the speeding up of my goals and life plans, and No because I feel like I've just gotten to a point where I can meet some emotional goals I have for both of us.  I know, I know I can't force my goals on anyone, no matter how good they are for them, but I can still set the goals.  I know I'm medicated enough to where I can handle it, well, be numb enough not to feel it until the initial stress wains and I can pick apart the emotions one-at-a-time and not be overwhelmed.  I don't like feeling overwhelmed.

Palliative Care in America

I'm not looking forward to old age.  I don't know of anyone that really is, but watching the slow descent of my mother into her, so called, golden years has become a painful warning of what will happen to everyone.  No one, no matter how good your genes are, how rich or how religious you are, if you aren't corralled by other demises will wither and die with the best of them.  I was talking with my mom this evening about her cardiologist reticence in giving her a pacemaker because she is continually maintaining a coma level pulse rate. (In the mid to high 40's).  He keeps poo-pooing her inquiries into a pacemaker and saying to keep taking her drugs and she'll be fine.  The thing is with such low heart rate she is unable to do anything on her own.  I'm not talking rebuilding car engines, I'm talking about making it to the front room from her bedroom without being completely exhausted and needing her oxygen.  I get that she's old, she's 82, but the woman still has spunk.  She has no problem in letting you know what's on her mind, even if she's a few years behind the current idioms of the day.  I'm almost afraid of what would happen if she got the gas to fuel her ambitions....scary.

I get that there isn't much that can be done for her, she's old.  The trend with her doctors seems to be give her some kind of pill to make it better.  I can't totally fault that method of care, I am the poster-child for better living through pharmacology and all, but these drugs seem to work in keeping her sedated.  She sleeps most of the day away and gets precious little out of watching TV and waiting for her kids and grand kids to drop in on her for a chat.  That truly is the extent of her life.

What is the crux of this blog is simple, I don't want to be a victim of palliative care.  I don't want to be put away in a home, away from the up-and-coming generations who fear the old and slowly dying.  I don't want to be drugged into a stupor because my heart inconveniently keeps pumping and brain keeps spinning.  Even if my body betrays me, that doesn't give the medical professionals permission to practice palliative medicine to make their own lives easier.

People keep yelling about Obama Care not being the solution, that it's tantamount to socialism, etc., etc.  But the current system, putting people in old-folks-homes and giving their care to the lowest bidder where they are medicated into a pseudo-death is no better than a concentration camp with hospital corners.  (sorry for the run-on sentence).   Okay, harsh, they don't have gas chambers (unless you consider industrial strength urine remover toxic?) and most of the doctors did get their degrees in the US, but the idea of putting a protected class away, where they are forgotten by their neighbors,weekend do-gooding for their kids with kids, and stock-piled like cord wood in sterile-ish facilities with shared commodes.  Indignities abound all in a days work by slightly more than minimum wage earners.  Whew, I'm glad I got that off my noggin.

I never thought I would be advocating for old-people.  I guess that's yet another indication that I'm growing up.  Damn!  I guess I'm not advocating for the elderly now, but advocating for  change before the family carts me off to the farm.

Avoiding Narcissus' Fate

Narcissus was a beautiful Greek of mythology who was led to a pond of clear cool water to get a look at himself by Nemesis.  He fell in love with his image and couldn't be bothered to leave it and he died.  When I looked closer into the myth I found Narcissus' name was synonymous with the words sleep or numbness.  Is that my problem?  No, I'm no beauty, nothing on Narcissus' level, but I seem to have fallen head-first into a pool of tears and have become half asleep and numb.  Too dramatic?  Possibly.

Depression isn't about self-love, it's more being completely consumed by self-loathing.  One becomes so obsessed with ones problem/situation/failures or whatever ones psychological nemesis has lured one with, and one can't pull away from the pool of tears one sees oneself in. 

I'm reading back over my words and I'm excited by what I'm saying.  Normally I let my brain have a modicum of freedom with my fingers and just let the grey matter do the talking., like the subconscious talks to the conscious.  In the past I've considered depression to be self-inflicted, self-centered, self-indulgent and wrong.  Of course, I was depressed and hated myself when I made those generalizations.  Now, I'm seeing it's not that easy, it's not an excuse to run myself down but a reason to get help.  Though I still feel at time that taking the time to fix myself, to focus in, I'm wasting time and energy.  However,  I am getting the help, equivalent of the nemesis that pushed me towards the negative, to pull myself away from the pool of tears and getting back into the world and not suffer the same fate as Narcissus.